"celebrating" one year...

mom & i in greece, 2008

It was a year and 11 days ago Sunday (19 August) that Mom found out her diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.  I found out a day later.  I don't think any of us knew what to expect, and to some degree, we still don't.

I went home for a week in mid-August to spend time with family which was much needed. I was mentally and emotionally prepared to see Mom without her wig, and it only freaked me out because she looked exactly like her mother (genetics, I tell ya). However, with the wig, you'd never know anything was wrong with her.  Fortunately, the chemo does not hinder her from doing daily activities or excursions (such as an Orioles game until 1 am) - but she does tire easily.  Again,if this is one of the only side effects, it's a win in my book.

I also had the opportunity to take her to her chemo appointment at Johns Hopkins during my visit. It was something I knew I had to do, and something I wanted to do - even with my dislike of hospitals (probably because I've been in too many of them). The appointment takes a full day; I really thought Dad was kidding about that.  However, after meeting Shawna (Mom's nurse) and other staff, I'm assured that she is in excellent hands.  Since I had plenty of time to sit and wait, I realized how well-off Mom is compared to other patients. Mom went up to register herself, didn't have a walker and doesn't have to wear a surgical mask (the germ factor). I was also shocked to see how young (and worse-off than Mom) some of the patients where - I'm sure about 33% where younger than me.  I came away appreciating my own health and in the grand scheme, allergies and crappy knees really aren't that big of a deal.

This has also been a learning experience.  I - along with my family - have researched pancreatic cancer extensively.  I won't talk about the statistics, as they are not uplifting by any means. Sadly, I've had three friends lose a parent to this disease; and Mom has survived longer than any of them.  The only good thing (if any) about that is that I have support from friends who know EXACTLY what is going on. But knowing is half the battle (thank you GI Joe) - the other is imparting that knowledge. I educate anyone who will listen - whether they want to hear about it or not.  The more who know, the more we can continue the fight.

Finally, this journey has made me fully aware of the power of the human psyche.  Attitude and the mind from which it springs is the biggest, baddest, and best weapon we have against this bitch of a disease. It's all about perspective - being angry or upset isn't going to help anyone at this point. Hope and strength will.

I have always said (and likely always will say) that I can only hope to handle whatever life throws at me with half the grace, courage and positivity Mom has exhibited in the past year. She truly is an inspiration to us all. 

for more information or to donate, check out the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network

orioles baseball, i missed you

I remember going to my first baseball game with my granddad, dad and brother when I was a couple months shy of seven years old. (note: I had the choice of the baseball game or my aunt's bridal shower.  Years later, given the same choice, I'd still pick the game). 

And that's how I got hooked on baseball.

Back then, my beloved Orioles played at Memorial Stadium - a great park but in a shitty area of "Balmer". Getting there was always an experience (I liken it to N. 27th St. & W. Fond du Lac in Milwaukee). We'd always go to at least couple games a year, and since my grandparents lived across the street from the play-by-play announcer, we'd always get some swag. In fact, I still have my stuffed Oriole bird. 

The Orioles moved to Oriole Park at Camden Yards (aka "Birdland") in 1991, and since I've lived out of state most of that time, I haven't been there often. Earlier this month, I finally got to return Camden Yards after a ten-year hiatus and finally saw a game...after a three-hour rain delay.

What else do you do at a ballpark waiting for the rain to subside? Talk Oriole baseball, and those memories came flooding back (pun intended).  Rick Dempsey using the tarp as a slip-n-slide during rain delays.  Earl "of Baltimore" Weaver throwing second base whilst in a argument with the umpire. Celebrity crushing on Jim Palmer (even to this day). Chants of "Eddie! Eddie!" whenever Eddie Murray came to bat. Anything involving Cal Ripken, Jr.

By coincidence, it was a "Legends" night. Eddie Murray's statue was unveiled at the ballpark, and each aforementioned Oriole was in attendance.  And for the first time in over a decade, chants of "Eddie! Eddie!" rang through Camden Yards.

And even if for a few moments, I was a kid at the ballpark in awe of America's pastime. 

i am a liberal

A self-admitted conservative (and yes, a friend of mine) wrote “common sense, morals, responsibility, hard working...so glad Mitt went with Paul Ryan”.  To me, this implies these words only refer to the conservative persuasion. Ergo...

I am a liberal.  I am not a party voter, but if you checked my voting record, I vote Democrat 95% of the time.

I am a hard-working individual, having been in the workforce since I was sixteen. I will be happy to share my tax returns with you to prove it.

Alternatively, I have also collected unemployment in the course of my life.  This does not make me a bottom-feeder or a detriment to society.  I worked my ass off looking for a job during my four months off. I believe that welfare should only be a stage in life, not a way of life.

I am pro-choice. This does not make me immoral. Every person and every situation is different. While I likely would not encourage abortion, it’s not my body or my life.  Furthermore, it should be a viable (and safe) option in the cases of rape & incest, the health of the mother and/or the quality of life of the unborn.

I possess common sense.  Even my conservative friends will agree, penning me a “common sense liberal”. Why?  I understand that the budget needs to be balanced and the country as a whole needs to curb spending. I just disagree in HOW they want to balance the budget – largely on the backs of the middle class, poor and elderly.

I am a liberal. And I’m damn proud of it.

2012 birthday wishes

oh, 2012...how you move so quickly. 2011 tested me quite a bit - and although I survived, I probably could have handled some situations better. 

ergo, most of these year's wishes focus on me and what I can do to better myself, my relationships and perhaps society as a whole (if only for a few hours).

2012 birthday wishes (in no particular order):

• successfully complete a 5k - about seven years ago, I actually embarked training for a marathon (stop laughing) but I changed careers and stopped. despite my knees, I could do this.
• continue to be physically active - ideally, I'd like to do something "active" (read: swimming, hitting the gym, hashing, yoga/pilates) five times/week. if that three-week boot camp in September doesn't kill me first...
  
• explore more in the culinary world - ok, I am a good cook (something my dad apparently "knew"?) and I finally enjoy it. but I'd like to learn how to cook Thai food and take some classes.  I love chicken & veggies, but a girl needs variety.
• continue the "no soda" quest - I've been soda-free since 4 June 2012 (thankfully there's La Croix and tonic water). and honestly, I haven't even craved one since.
• increase social media knowledge/promote rjl creative -  I decided to combine these two this year.  I may even slightly change the direction (and potentially the name) of rjl creative to more of an SoLoMo focus, while keeping the design aspect secondary.  I love design, but the future is SoLoMo - and sadly, pretty isn't as important in that arena (but dammit, my stuff will be pretty AND functional!)
  
• continue to engage in artistic endeavors - this might be a little easier as the focus of my paying job is evolving (more online, less design). I would like to do picture journaling more frequently (read: more than once every two years) and perhaps will revisit "The Artist's Way".
• get my bartending license - I just always wanted to do this, for no particular reason.
• become involved in causes I believe in (namely Pancreatic cancer and APBT/AmStaff groups) - since I was so stellar with this last year (sans the PanCan walk),  it's really something I need to make time for this year. if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem
• visit at least two of the remaining 11 states I haven't yet - in a nutshell, I'm either going west or south. 
• organize my finances - this will be hard. I like spending and not saving, unless I'm saving for something (see above bullet).
• figure out this whole "relationship" thing - thing about these things...they are work. plus, when there are possibilities - including one from complete left field that throws a wrench in it all - it makes it that much more difficult/interesting/<insert word here>...
• cherish the time with friends & family - life is short (something that came to realization about a year ago). make time for those you care about.  remember, it's not what you do it's who you're with.
• be thankful/grateful for the things I have, rather than lamenting about what I don't have - this will likely be the hardest. human nature is to want what we don't or can't have (myself included) and all that does is sabotage us.  time to practice an "attitude of gratitude".

go on living, always keep on breathin'

from the mouth of memory, you give back yourself

~ the gufs

anthem 2012?

maybe this should serve as my anthem for the coming year...

the way it was, the way it is 

i don't think much about it 

i've tried too hard 

to redefine the things in life i want 

if you could live inside of me 

i don't think you would like it 

you're much to late to appreciate 

all the things i have lost 

i'm stuck in the heart of this 

i know in that in time 

i'm the one you'll miss 

and i don't give a damn what you think about me 

the things i've said and done 

i don't give a damn what you think about me 

the things i have become 

if i would bend i'd break in two 

i'd rather feel unwanted 

you're much too late to appreciate 

everything i have become 

i've found a better place 

you can't come in so get away 

i'm stuck in the heart of this 

i know in that in time i'm the one you'll miss 

and i don't give a damn what you think about me 

the things i've said and done 

i don't give a damn what you think about me 

the things i have become