i interrupt your christmas cheer...

The holidays are usually "a time for joy, a time for cheer" - but the recent events in Connecticut have put a somber curtain on the season and have many of us (further) questioning our own mortality.

A good friend and I have discussed this issue more often than I wish to admit, largely because both of our mothers are battling the same disease.  While it's a comfort to know that someone is going through the same wave of emotions, at the same time you wish this wasn't one of the bonds you were sharing. Then last night, his 31-year cousin unexpectedly passed away leaving behind two young children.

Death - even if it is inevitable - is sad and difficult. Period. Perhaps more so when it's unexpected. My friend and I discussed that notion last night. To reminiscence, I was very saddened by the passing of my granddad and both my grandmothers. However, I had mentally/emotionally come to terms with my grandmothers as their health was failing for quite some time. With my granddad, it was a shock - and while he was no more or less important - it weighed heavier on my heart because it hit like a ton of bricks.  But regardless of how many brushes with death one may have had, it still isn't easy.

I know both of us are ready (or as ready as one can be) for the passing of our mothers. However, no matter how prepared I may be, it still will be difficult as one of the most important people in my life will no longer be of this earth - but I know a part of her will always remain with me.

So this Christmas season, remember the good times and make new memories. Cherish times with family and friends.

You may now return to your Christmas cheer....and I'll join you.

alfie, the christmas tree

the holiday season is the one time of year I turn into a pseudo-sap and can get somewhat emotional. Christmas was - and still is - my favorite holiday. and while this Christmas may be bittersweet for obvious reasons, I'm fortunate enough to have Christmas memories and traditions to last my lifetime.

one of these traditions is the almost constant playing of John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together CD. I'm really not sure how it came about, but to me Christmas isn't complete without it.  my favorite song on the CD has always been Alfie, The Christmas Tree (and much to the chagrin of everyone, I can still recite the whole song). 

to me, it simply yet eloquently states the "reason for the season"....




Did you ever hear the story of the Christmas Tree
who just didn't want to change the show?
He liked living in the woods and playing with squirrels, he liked icicles and snow.

He liked wolves and eagles and grizzly bears
and critters and creatures that crawled.
Why bugs were some of his very best friends, spiders and ants and all.

Now that's not to say that he ever looked down on the vision of twinkling lights,
or on mirrored bubbles and peppermint canes and a thousand other delights.
And he often had dreams of tiny reindeer
and a jolly old man and a sleigh full of toys and presents and wonderful things,
and the story of Christmas Day.

Oh, Alfie believed in Christmas all right, he was full of Christmas cheer.
All of each and every day and all throughout the year.
To him it was more than a special time much more than a special day,
It was more than a beautiful story. it was a special kind of way.

You see, some folks have never heard a jingle bell ring,
And they've never heard of Santa Claus.
They've never heard the story of the Son of God. And that made Alfie pause.

Did that mean that they'd never know of peace on earth
or the brotherhood of man?
Or know how to love, or know how to give? If they can't, no one can.

You see, life is a very special kind of thing, not just for a chosen few.
But for each and every living breathing thing. Not just me and you.

So in your Christmas prayers this year, Alfie asked me if I'd ask you
to say a prayer for the wind, and the water, and the wood
and those who live there, too.

three months in...

It's hard to believe that three months of "my" year have already gone by.  and here's the progress (or lack thereof)....

• successfully complete a 5k - I will do this...and I officially start training today. hopefully my friend won't kill me - not because of the workout itself, because I'll probably complain. a lot.
• continue to be physically active - I was doing so well with this, until I decided to fracture my foot on 11 September.  kinda puts a damper on that whole running, boot camp, volleyball thing.  although I've been vigilant about doing my weights in the morning and I've become re-acquainted with my physical therapist, and will be cleared for higher-impact stuff (i.e. running) on tuesday.
  
• explore more in the culinary world - having to stay off my foot makes it difficult to cook. which sucks. hopefully I'll improve on this in a few weeks.
• continue the "no soda" quest - I've done good!  almost five months, with only a couple slips here and there. and Rockstar energy drink is not a soda - it has vitamins.
• increase social media knowledge/promote rjl creative -  I decided to combine these two this year.  I may even slightly change the direction (and potentially the name) of rjl creative to more of an SoLoMo focus, while keeping the design aspect secondary.  I love design, but the future is SoLoMo - and sadly, pretty isn't as important in that arena (but dammit, my stuff will be pretty AND functional!)
  
• continue to engage in artistic endeavors - meh. I've done a couple freelance logos and that's about it. however, I do have some ideas for that "east side special" coffee table.
• get my bartending license - I just always wanted to do this, for no particular reason...but no, I don't have it yet.
• become involved in causes I believe in (namely Pancreatic cancer and APBT/AmStaff groups) -  if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. right now I'm part of the problem.
• visit at least two of the remaining 11 states I haven't yet - in a nutshell, I'm either going west or south. but I did see a Bears game at Solider Field. no, not a new state...but I'd never been there before (and da Bears won too)
• organize my finances - this IS hard (and I'm sure the doctor and PT bills will help immensely). I should resort to gourmet ramen noodle cooking, if I could bring myself to eat ramen.
• figure out this whole "relationship" thing - there's this guy who's after you like a fat kid on cake and you want to smack him upside the head. ugh. I'm attempting online dating again - may the experience be better the second time. but there are a few possibilities in the non-cyber realm...perhaps one will work out. or not.
• cherish the time with friends & family - life is short (something that came to realization about a year ago). make time for those you care about.  remember, it's not what you do it's who you're with.
• be thankful/grateful for the things I have, rather than lamenting about what I don't have -time to practice an "attitude of gratitude".  I've gotten better at this, not perfect, but better. baby steps.

foot fracture...could be worse...

das boot with das bier

For anyone who knows me, it shouldn't come as a shock that I tend to injure myself now and then...ok, that might be an understatement. And in fine fashion, I decided it would be a good idea to fracture my foot whilst running earlier this month. (note to self: re-evaluate the run a 5K goal)

I'm no stranger to visiting the orthopedic section at any medical facility.  Having knee issues since I was in my early teens,  I've become well-versed (for a non-medical professional) in physical therapy, x-rays, MRIs and orthopedic devices.  In my life I've managed to accumulate a variety of assistive walking devices and immobilizers, as well knee and ankle braces - now add "das boot" (aka walking cast) to collection.

As with anything, I try to put a positive and humorous spin on it. Case in point: last Friday I had an appointment with same doctor that did my knee surgery almost three years ago, basically to confirm the inevitable diagnosis of a fracture. Apparently the doctor and the physician's assistant remembered me, so I told them I missed them and wanted to visit. It also helps that said physician's assistant is hot (and how did I not notice this during treatment for my knee?)

fun with friends

Sometimes my "determination" will overtake my otherwise positive outlook. While with friends, I can joke about the fact my foot looks like that of a Stormtrooper or Moon Man. Or that if someone annoys us, I'll give them das boot in das ass. But once I try to get up and do something, such as get a chair to prop up my foot or go buy by own beer, no one lets me get up.  They insist on doing it for me.  While I greatly appreciate the gesture as I know they do it because they care, but I'm of the mindset I can do still do things myself.  Oh, and I might be a bit stubborn.

This not being able to do things is frustrating beyond belief.  I like playing volleyball and my "running" club, and I miss the daily 2.5 mile walk with the pup. And being a beerleader at vball can only do so much.. It is incredibly hard to sit and "do nothing", especially when it's not in my nature. Yes, I know it's for my own good and that's required for healing, but dammit, it's hard!  (another note to self: use this "down" time to work on creative pursuits)

It's enough to drive me bat-shit crazy - and thankfully I have friends who will accommodate plans to work around my gimpiness.  And it could be worse...

As frustrating (in my mind) as a fractured foot is, in 2-3 months I'll be good as new and back to my active self (and hopefully not finding a new way to injure myself). But the ordeal - no matter how minor or insignificant - will be over.   

And I know I'm lucky health wise (some would argue, but injury-prone is different than health issues) amongst people I know. I don't have chronic allergies or asthma. I only take one medication daily, and that's by choice. I don't have any heart ailments or abnormalities. I don't have cancer.

mom & i at plaza de espana

Then I think of Mom - and all the chemo, radiation, procedures and medication she has gone through in the past 13 months for treatment of pancreatic cancer. If she can courageously put her body, mind and spirit through all that AND still maintain a level of optimism, surely I can walk around in das boot for a couple more weeks with minimal bitching. 

And then when I'm out das boot, maybe we can use it to kick cancer's ass.

what is scarier than change?

"celebrating" one year...

mom & i in greece, 2008

It was a year and 11 days ago Sunday (19 August) that Mom found out her diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.  I found out a day later.  I don't think any of us knew what to expect, and to some degree, we still don't.

I went home for a week in mid-August to spend time with family which was much needed. I was mentally and emotionally prepared to see Mom without her wig, and it only freaked me out because she looked exactly like her mother (genetics, I tell ya). However, with the wig, you'd never know anything was wrong with her.  Fortunately, the chemo does not hinder her from doing daily activities or excursions (such as an Orioles game until 1 am) - but she does tire easily.  Again,if this is one of the only side effects, it's a win in my book.

I also had the opportunity to take her to her chemo appointment at Johns Hopkins during my visit. It was something I knew I had to do, and something I wanted to do - even with my dislike of hospitals (probably because I've been in too many of them). The appointment takes a full day; I really thought Dad was kidding about that.  However, after meeting Shawna (Mom's nurse) and other staff, I'm assured that she is in excellent hands.  Since I had plenty of time to sit and wait, I realized how well-off Mom is compared to other patients. Mom went up to register herself, didn't have a walker and doesn't have to wear a surgical mask (the germ factor). I was also shocked to see how young (and worse-off than Mom) some of the patients where - I'm sure about 33% where younger than me.  I came away appreciating my own health and in the grand scheme, allergies and crappy knees really aren't that big of a deal.

This has also been a learning experience.  I - along with my family - have researched pancreatic cancer extensively.  I won't talk about the statistics, as they are not uplifting by any means. Sadly, I've had three friends lose a parent to this disease; and Mom has survived longer than any of them.  The only good thing (if any) about that is that I have support from friends who know EXACTLY what is going on. But knowing is half the battle (thank you GI Joe) - the other is imparting that knowledge. I educate anyone who will listen - whether they want to hear about it or not.  The more who know, the more we can continue the fight.

Finally, this journey has made me fully aware of the power of the human psyche.  Attitude and the mind from which it springs is the biggest, baddest, and best weapon we have against this bitch of a disease. It's all about perspective - being angry or upset isn't going to help anyone at this point. Hope and strength will.

I have always said (and likely always will say) that I can only hope to handle whatever life throws at me with half the grace, courage and positivity Mom has exhibited in the past year. She truly is an inspiration to us all. 

for more information or to donate, check out the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network

orioles baseball, i missed you

I remember going to my first baseball game with my granddad, dad and brother when I was a couple months shy of seven years old. (note: I had the choice of the baseball game or my aunt's bridal shower.  Years later, given the same choice, I'd still pick the game). 

And that's how I got hooked on baseball.

Back then, my beloved Orioles played at Memorial Stadium - a great park but in a shitty area of "Balmer". Getting there was always an experience (I liken it to N. 27th St. & W. Fond du Lac in Milwaukee). We'd always go to at least couple games a year, and since my grandparents lived across the street from the play-by-play announcer, we'd always get some swag. In fact, I still have my stuffed Oriole bird. 

The Orioles moved to Oriole Park at Camden Yards (aka "Birdland") in 1991, and since I've lived out of state most of that time, I haven't been there often. Earlier this month, I finally got to return Camden Yards after a ten-year hiatus and finally saw a game...after a three-hour rain delay.

What else do you do at a ballpark waiting for the rain to subside? Talk Oriole baseball, and those memories came flooding back (pun intended).  Rick Dempsey using the tarp as a slip-n-slide during rain delays.  Earl "of Baltimore" Weaver throwing second base whilst in a argument with the umpire. Celebrity crushing on Jim Palmer (even to this day). Chants of "Eddie! Eddie!" whenever Eddie Murray came to bat. Anything involving Cal Ripken, Jr.

By coincidence, it was a "Legends" night. Eddie Murray's statue was unveiled at the ballpark, and each aforementioned Oriole was in attendance.  And for the first time in over a decade, chants of "Eddie! Eddie!" rang through Camden Yards.

And even if for a few moments, I was a kid at the ballpark in awe of America's pastime. 

i am a liberal

A self-admitted conservative (and yes, a friend of mine) wrote “common sense, morals, responsibility, hard working...so glad Mitt went with Paul Ryan”.  To me, this implies these words only refer to the conservative persuasion. Ergo...

I am a liberal.  I am not a party voter, but if you checked my voting record, I vote Democrat 95% of the time.

I am a hard-working individual, having been in the workforce since I was sixteen. I will be happy to share my tax returns with you to prove it.

Alternatively, I have also collected unemployment in the course of my life.  This does not make me a bottom-feeder or a detriment to society.  I worked my ass off looking for a job during my four months off. I believe that welfare should only be a stage in life, not a way of life.

I am pro-choice. This does not make me immoral. Every person and every situation is different. While I likely would not encourage abortion, it’s not my body or my life.  Furthermore, it should be a viable (and safe) option in the cases of rape & incest, the health of the mother and/or the quality of life of the unborn.

I possess common sense.  Even my conservative friends will agree, penning me a “common sense liberal”. Why?  I understand that the budget needs to be balanced and the country as a whole needs to curb spending. I just disagree in HOW they want to balance the budget – largely on the backs of the middle class, poor and elderly.

I am a liberal. And I’m damn proud of it.

2012 birthday wishes

oh, 2012...how you move so quickly. 2011 tested me quite a bit - and although I survived, I probably could have handled some situations better. 

ergo, most of these year's wishes focus on me and what I can do to better myself, my relationships and perhaps society as a whole (if only for a few hours).

2012 birthday wishes (in no particular order):

• successfully complete a 5k - about seven years ago, I actually embarked training for a marathon (stop laughing) but I changed careers and stopped. despite my knees, I could do this.
• continue to be physically active - ideally, I'd like to do something "active" (read: swimming, hitting the gym, hashing, yoga/pilates) five times/week. if that three-week boot camp in September doesn't kill me first...
  
• explore more in the culinary world - ok, I am a good cook (something my dad apparently "knew"?) and I finally enjoy it. but I'd like to learn how to cook Thai food and take some classes.  I love chicken & veggies, but a girl needs variety.
• continue the "no soda" quest - I've been soda-free since 4 June 2012 (thankfully there's La Croix and tonic water). and honestly, I haven't even craved one since.
• increase social media knowledge/promote rjl creative -  I decided to combine these two this year.  I may even slightly change the direction (and potentially the name) of rjl creative to more of an SoLoMo focus, while keeping the design aspect secondary.  I love design, but the future is SoLoMo - and sadly, pretty isn't as important in that arena (but dammit, my stuff will be pretty AND functional!)
  
• continue to engage in artistic endeavors - this might be a little easier as the focus of my paying job is evolving (more online, less design). I would like to do picture journaling more frequently (read: more than once every two years) and perhaps will revisit "The Artist's Way".
• get my bartending license - I just always wanted to do this, for no particular reason.
• become involved in causes I believe in (namely Pancreatic cancer and APBT/AmStaff groups) - since I was so stellar with this last year (sans the PanCan walk),  it's really something I need to make time for this year. if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem
• visit at least two of the remaining 11 states I haven't yet - in a nutshell, I'm either going west or south. 
• organize my finances - this will be hard. I like spending and not saving, unless I'm saving for something (see above bullet).
• figure out this whole "relationship" thing - thing about these things...they are work. plus, when there are possibilities - including one from complete left field that throws a wrench in it all - it makes it that much more difficult/interesting/<insert word here>...
• cherish the time with friends & family - life is short (something that came to realization about a year ago). make time for those you care about.  remember, it's not what you do it's who you're with.
• be thankful/grateful for the things I have, rather than lamenting about what I don't have - this will likely be the hardest. human nature is to want what we don't or can't have (myself included) and all that does is sabotage us.  time to practice an "attitude of gratitude".

go on living, always keep on breathin'

from the mouth of memory, you give back yourself

~ the gufs

anthem 2012?

maybe this should serve as my anthem for the coming year...

the way it was, the way it is 

i don't think much about it 

i've tried too hard 

to redefine the things in life i want 

if you could live inside of me 

i don't think you would like it 

you're much to late to appreciate 

all the things i have lost 

i'm stuck in the heart of this 

i know in that in time 

i'm the one you'll miss 

and i don't give a damn what you think about me 

the things i've said and done 

i don't give a damn what you think about me 

the things i have become 

if i would bend i'd break in two 

i'd rather feel unwanted 

you're much too late to appreciate 

everything i have become 

i've found a better place 

you can't come in so get away 

i'm stuck in the heart of this 

i know in that in time i'm the one you'll miss 

and i don't give a damn what you think about me 

the things i've said and done 

i don't give a damn what you think about me 

the things i have become

2011 birthday wishes (in review)

In a few short days, my (undisclosed age here) "year" will come to an end. It's been an interesting year to say the least, and despite that, I think I actually achieved some things on this list.  Yes, you should be as shocked as I am...

2011 Birthday Wishes (original):

• procure a MacBook (fail) - I could get a red Dell.  or a pink one. or design my own. yes, I think I've given up on this. 
• amp up physical activity (success) - the bike still needs a tune-up. however, I have been walking/jogging with the Badgerland Striders and I did join a gym...with a pool!  that'll be useful for the possible return to "death by tri".  otherwise, I'll just try to emulate Dana Vollmer (USA, WR holder in the 100m fly)
• try to eat better (even) - I'm blaming beer, and those damn cheese balls.
• attempt to be culinary (success) - people have actually asked me for recipes.  I don't know how the hell that happened.
• embrace my curls (even) - I straightened it today as I renewed my DL (it should have been a curly day).  I've gotten WAY better, yet not a full embrace yet.
• beat my brother in "Words with Friends" (success) - 13 August bitches!  I don't think my bro plays this anymore but I still won a game, dammit!
• travel somewhere besides DC & Chicago (success) - I'm calling this a success loosely.  I did go to St. Louis and Ohio...not exotic but elsewhere none the less.
• see Wisco Gov. Scott Walker get recalled (fail) - I voted to get the douche out of office! but damn that "instilling the fear of God in people" campaign tactic.
• increase social media knowledge (even) - a few weeks ago, this would have been a success, then I went to a SoLoMo seminar, and I don't know jack. sadly, I do know more than the average person despite not knowing jack
• engage in artistic endeavors (success) - I've painted wine bottles, taken artsy photos (soon coming to a canvas near you)...looking to do more.
• continue to promote rjl creative (even) -  still promoting and the HAHS annual fundraiser logo was pretty cool. but beyond that not much.
• become involved with APBT & AmStaff dog rescue/advocacy (fail) -  Caye is a great ambassdog and speaks for the breed beautifully. still. must.go.to.an.event.
• that my mom wins her battle with pancreatic cancer (success) - well, I can't really do a success/fail on this in the truest form, but I'll call it success. she hasn't beaten it yet, but the tumor has shrunk by 50% and chemo is down to every other week. go Mom!

Real exciting, I know.  Stay tuned, the 2012 "wishes" will be up in a few days....

dating...

I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. 

I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there you're wondering "Do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I'm not really interested. Should I play like I'm interested? But I'm not that interested, but I think she might be interested. But do I want to be interested, but now she's not interested, so now all of a sudden I'm getting--I'm started to get interested." 

And when is he supposed to kiss me? Do I have to wait for the door 'cause then it's awkward? Or should I just kiss him? It's like, well, "Goodnight. Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close or just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all?" 

It's very difficult trying to read the situation.

being thankful (i don't care if it's the "wrong" month)...

It's amazing how much growing up (even at my age) that one can do in a week...

We like to think our personal problems are the most important in the world (and if you say you've never done this, you're lying).  These problems could include a co-worker you want to punch in the face, feeling left out by a group of friends, attempting to interpret whether there's more than friendship with certain males....you get the picture.  For better or worse,  these problems tend to consume us, as petty as they might be in the grand scheme. 

And that grand scheme hit like a ton of bricks (both bad and good) in the past week...

the bad (because it's better to start with the bad and end on a high note)...

On Tuesday prior to volleyball, I was kind of bummed that I wasn't going to the Cubs/Brewers game and made mention of it to a couple teammates (who knew the underlying reason why). After telling me to shut up and have fun, it ended up being a good night with friends.  

The next morning, I check my Twitter account (per usual) and see a tweet from DS about "a terrible wreck".  "WTF?" was my exact tweet back.  Turns out, the shuttle transporting my friends home from said baseball game got broadsided by a car.  One of the guys (MK) was thrown out the door and was "beaten up" - more precisely, a broken collarbone and a few broken ribs. Fuck...

the good...

Since Mom's diagnosis in August, I try to talk to her at least twice per week (although right now I'm failing miserably at this).  We usually talk about her treatment, along with the sports page.  Overall she's in good spirits, but every once in a while she'll complain about side effects - mostly being tired & run-down - which is to be expected.

On Sunday, I talked to Mom (per usual).  I was excited to share with her that I met an 18-year survivor of pancreatic cancer while at the PurpleStride Milwaukee event. (note: the average life span after diagnosis is 14 months, so 18 years is f-ing amazing) But Mom had fabulous news of her own....her tumor shrunk by 50%!!!!!  This not only means the chemo is working, but the treatments will now be less frequent and evasive. Woot!

In comparison, yes, my problems are trivial. I'm not lying in a hospital bed in pain. I'm not fighting the battle of my life against a deadly disease. I'm not living in a country were even my basic needs are compromised.  Again, you get the point...

As a society we tend to focus on the bad and what we don't have, rather than be grateful for the good and what we do have (myself included). And I know I really need to stop doing this and think about how lucky I really am. 

Thus, I'm thankful...

• that MK's injuries weren't more severe (and wish him a speedy recovery) and that everyone else came away relatively unscathed
• for the medical advances in cancer research, giving all of us hope
• that Mom is at Johns freakin' Hopkins and is receiving among the best care in the nation; as well as Mom continuing to handle herself with positivity, grace and resiliency 
• the above mentioned traits may have been passed down to me (at least in some capacity) 
• for the health, happiness and well-being (generally speaking) of my friends and family
• for my immediate family - their love, their support, the knowledge they'll always be there even across the miles
• for the unending support of my friends (both old and new) - the past ten months would have been hellish without all of them, and their friendships mean more than they know

Life is too short already.  Take the time to be thankful for and savor all the good things.

for mom...

My mother taught me about the power of inspiration and courage, 

and she did it with a strength and a passion that I wish could be bottled.  

~ Carly Fiorina 

Although some people wouldn't believe it now, I wasn't too fond of my mother as a teenager.  Granted, no one really is, but I was truly convinced my mother was related to Satan. Even when I went to college, I recall hanging up on my mother more than once (and my dad calling back). It's not that my mom was a bad person. I'm just an optimist and she's what I would call critical. We just had different ways of seeing things and combined with our stubbornness, it just didn't mesh well.

After college graduation, my mom and didn't always see eye to eye, but we garnered a mutual respect. Through the years, the relationship with my mom has blossomed into a  good one. Years ago, no one (family included) could imagine that we could go on one - let alone three - two week vacations together. Yes, we did get on each others nerves once in a while - but no one got thrown off a balcony or anything. And I discovered we both share a hobby of photography and the pursuit of that perfect shot. I cherish the memories and time I spent with Mom on those trips, and hope to venture to Alaska in 2013.

This is poignant as Mom was diagnosed with cancer in August 2012.  I have always thought my mom to be "a strong, stubborn German woman" - much like my grandmother - but with a caring, compassionate side.  I figure if anyone is going to fight this disease - it's her.  And I truly believe she can...and will.  

I've said this before, but I am still in awe of how Mom has handled everything.  While I was going to through my divorce, my dad told me "Your mother and I raised you kids to be strong, independent and able to handle anything thrown at you".  Little did I expect that  we'd have to deal with something like this thrown at us.  But dammit, that phrase is true - and I see we got a lot of that resiliency from Mom. Her persistence actually prompted the doctors to perform more invasive tests - which lead to diagnosis.  I firmly believe that, because of this, her treatment is going well as they caught it early enough. However,  It is debatable whether my trait of persistence has served me well - I guess it depends what side you're on.

But I am most in awe of her positive spirit (and not just because she's "a realist" - her term for it). I for one would be scared shitless and probably be dropping f-bombs if it were me.  Granted, I have done both in the past nine months (mostly with close friends), but I feel I need to be strong for Mom (and provide the comic relief).  Despite all the poking, prodding, chemically infused things going into her body - she is happy and living each day to the fullest.  I figure you can let the diagnosis kick your butt, or attempt to kick the butt of the diagnosis.  The latter seems to suit  Mom better - and her daughter is always up for some butt-kicking as well, although I may be a bit more obvious and verbal about it.

Mom is someone I have grown respect and admire, and most importantly, someone I couldn't imagine life without - and hope not to have to experience that anytime soon. I can only hope to exhibit half the grace, poise, courage and positive attitude as she has in the past nine months - in any situation.

So on this Mother's Day...it really is all about Mom.  If your mom is no longer with us, remember the good times and cherish the memories.  If your mom is indeed alive, take her out to lunch or a movie (or a botanical garden) - or if there are miles between you, at least call her.  After all, you only get one mother.

♥  Thanks Mom, for all you've instilled and given me...love you! ♥

what to do?

Well, it's been about six months since the break-up.  I'd like to say things have gotten easier, but in all honesty, they haven't. Sure, there have been some successes (and some setbacks), but I feel that things are pretty much back where they started.

This is foreign territory to me, as I've been able to maintain friendships with most of my exes.  This is something I actually pride myself on, and a couple of them remain some of my best friends.  Yes, it took time and effort; however, in the end it was well worth it.

I'm reminded of something said to me during the break-up:  "We'll still be friends and hang out.  And if there's an informal lab gathering, I can let you know about it."

I can say with 100% confidence that the only informal lab gathering I've been extended the invite to was a "successfully defended her dissertation" soiree - and that's because the guest of honor invited me.  Since December, I haven't been invited to anything outside of playing volleyball.  I didn't expect things to stay exactly the same, but I didn't expect to be completely shut out either.  It kinda sucks - no, it really sucks.

Despite the events (or lack of) that have occurred, I can't fault anyone for saying that.  When one is in an emotional situation, things are said to smooth said situation over.  But based upon my past track record, there was no reason for me not to believe it.  I'm not upset with what was said; I'm upset at myself for whole-heartedly believing it.

To say this situation isn't par for the course would be an understatement.   I was also told around Thanksgiving:   "I still want to be friends, but I'm not sure how to make that transition easier."  And to be honest, I don't know either.  

I feel like every time I extend the proverbial olive branch, it's either ignored or broken and handed back to me.  I also don't know how to initiate a conversation about this without it being perceived as hostile or confrontational (although that is not my intent).  I am literally at a loss about what to do.

And yet I keep trying...

nine months (no...not that!)

It's that time again...time for the quarterly re-visit of my 2011 Birthday Wishes (and I've even hit the date spot on!).  Besides, I know y'all are anxiously awaiting the update (ha ha...yeah right...)

2011 Birthday Wishes (original):

• procure a MacBook - maybe I should just give up on this one and buy a new Dell (even though I really want a MacBook) - the Dell is cheaper and has the same crap. 
• amp up physical activity - well, I've done a couple yoga classes and have procured a bicycle (now just to get it a tune-up and new tires).  I've done two walk/runs for charity, with a third one on 2 June.plus, I think I'm doing "death by tri" this year. and I may have been talked into doing something crazy in Vegas in December.
• try to eat better - this would be easier without the invention of cheese balls.
• attempt to be culinary - I have more than attempted...I have succeeded! from greek pasta to chicken/broccoli/cheese casserole, I have done it.  and it's been pretty darn tasty! (and surprisingly healthy)
• embrace my curls - hmmm, my hair is currently staging a coup and wants to be straight. that's ok, once the humidity kicks up the curls will be back as they are today.  the biggest dilemma is what color to dye it.
• beat my brother in "Words with Friends" - 13 August bitches!  I don't think my bro plays this anymore - something about caring for a four and two year old - but I still won a game, dammit!
• travel somewhere besides DC & Chicago - I went to St. Louis in March! oh yeah, Madison & Chicago...again.  rumor has it I may be in Ohio in May...
• see Wisco Gov. Scott Walker get recalled - recall primary 8 May, recall election 5 June...let's get the douchebag out of office!
• increase social media knowledge - I continue to read up on trends and increase my employers presence on the interwebs.  go me.
• engage in artistic endeavors - I've painted a couple wine bottles...here's one of them. and I think I might put some of my photos on canvas. and maybe stop taking pics of my pup, but he's so dang cute.
• continue to promote rjl creative -  still promoting.  did get a freelance job for an insurance agency. but even cooler, I've designed the logo/collaterals for the HAHS annual fundraiser.
• become involved with APBT & AmStaff dog rescue/advocacy -  Caye is a great ambassdog and speaks for the breed beautifully. still. must.go.to.an.event.
• that my mom wins her battle with pancreatic cancer - she is responding to chemo well and continues to be in good spirits.  if anyone wonders where I get my strength and resiliency from, it's from mom. and I wouldn't trade that for the world. this is also the third charity walk, but the only one for which I'm accepting donations. (shameless plug, I know.  I don't care either...it's a good cause).

yes, for real...

I have gotten "interesting" messages via online dating sites before...but, yeah...I can't make this up:

Hi! I like your profile, and I would love to hear from you. I am a crossdresser with a pantyhose fetish looking for an open minded woman to roleplay fantasies with. 

The guy gets props for not being shy and up front about his fetishes.  And while I'm pretty open about things, how does one respond to that?

can we go back to the old way?

Whatever happened to the good old days where you met a significant other through friends or common activities?  I think I want those back...

Let's face it.  I'm a social person.  I like meeting people...in person.  The interwebs are a great tool and all, but nothing really beats meeting someone in person and striking up a conversation (in my opinion anyway). I get the whole notion that online dating sites allow you to "weed out" people - or in my case, find out how bad your grammar really is or your propensity to use texting talk (read: how r u?) in a message.  Ok, to be honest, I hate texting talk (even whilst texting) but for a text, it is what it is. But really, you can only hide behind the mask of technology for so long...

That being said, I have met a few people I've conversed with online.  It's been fun and interesting...to say the least.  A majority of the guys have been recently divorced after 10+ years of marriage and are looking to get back in the dating scene.  That is respectable.  They have been decent conversationalists and overall cordial.  With one I ever had a conversation about the whole Tebow trade (only I could work Tebow into a date...geesh).  

However, I have noticed a couple commonalities with the guys I've met:

They all hunt in some capacity.  Again....why???  It's a horrible assumption that a female who likes sports is ok with hunting - which I don't view as a sport, I view it as killing an animal  (but I've blogged about this at length already). But I'll talk your ear off about sports, especially NHL at this moment. And oddly, being a Cubs fan is not a deterrent.(and a side note: not a lot of NHL fans out there)

They all seem extremely bitter about the demise of their marriage and divorce. Having been there, it's not a pleasant experience. And I get there are issues (personal and otherwise) one must work through after any relationship break-up. But bringing up these issues during an initial date? Really?

So back to searching for "other fish in the online sea", unless I meet someone the old-fashioned way.  

Who knew this modern woman would long for something nostalgic and traditional?

online dating is weird. and annoying.

I have begun to embark on a strange journey....the journey known as online dating.  And let me tell you, I haven't even been on an actual date and I'm already annoyed.

But first, let me talk about the dating sites themselves.  Despite being in the marketing field, I am absolutely horrible at marketing myself (but dammit, I can market the hell out of just about anything else) - thus, writing a profile is somewhat daunting.  Mine consists mostly of one-liners and smart ass comments, and if someone likes that, great.  If not, then we obviously wouldn't get along really well.  That being said, I do actually get people interested in messaging/getting to know me.  And then I look at their profile...

You'd think people would have someone review their profile or use spell check or something.  I swear, half the profiles I've viewed have some of the most horrific grammar and spelling I've seen in my lifetime.   It literally makes me cringes.  I could blame being in marketing (again) where you must proof everything before it leaves the office, but really?  There is a difference between "you're" and "your" - as well as "there", "their" and "they're".  When you write a sentence, don't omit words.  Use the correct tense.  Yes, I may sound like the grammar police but to me, that reflects on your intelligence (or lack thereof).  This is not to say you need to have an advanced degree - or even a degree - but please show some sign of a functioning brain.

The other thing that baffles me is that I tend to attract people that enjoy hunting.  It seems that if I'm a woman who enjoys sports and hiking, it must follow that I would enjoy hunting.  That's fine and good, but I actually state I'm anti-hunting (just goes to show how much folks actually read the profile). WTF?  I know how to shoot a gun and will take target practice.  I like communing with nature.  I fail to see the point of shooting a deer, elk, duck, goose, grouse, etc. - especially since I don't eat said animals (and regardless, I would still not be a fan of killing an animal with a gun).  Thus, I will not date someone who hunts...I just can't.  Fishing is ok as I like boating, but don't expect me to clean the fish or anything like that. 

Then there are a few that aren't so scary, and thus, I feel safe/comfortable enough to give them my phone number so we can text and/or talk - plus that is way easier than going through the dating site all the time.  While some of these "select few" have proofread their profile, their lack of attention to the English language whilst texting drives me batty.  I despise it when people don't spell out "are" and "you", among other words (so yes, many titles of Prince songs annoy me).  Admittedly, I get annoyed when even my brother messages me "R u busy?" Yes, it's a pet peeve.  Grammar aside, it has been interesting.  I also tend to attract people from Racine, Wisconsin (which is another sordid tale entirely) and I've been texting a few from that area.  Thankfully, none of them went to Horlick High - I know WAY too many people from that school despite not be a native Wisconsinite.  

So I've been texting this guy from Racine I'll call "G".  It starts off fine and good, until he sent me the following text on 15 February "I called you last night but you weren't around.  Why not?"  To be fair, he left a message that Monday. Mondays are usually my "detox" night and I don't talk to anyone much, plus I think I was still recovering from an epic Madison weekend.  Not to good have a first convo with someone when you're half-zombie.  Had I been home on Tuesday (VD), I likely wouldn't have picked up as a first convo on VD is too weird.  I still have been texting G (even though the spelling and spacing is horrific in these texts), but it's become relatively apparent that he doesn't have much of a life - and I feel it's important for someone to have a life and have friends.   Based upon texts, I believe G is free every Friday and Saturday; and this concerns me (if you knew my ex-hole, you'd understand).  I am sort of a social butterfly (apparently) and discovered my first free Saturday is 7 April. I say this to verify (and maybe convince myself) that I'm not being a bitch, I really am busy.  Thus, I'm not sure how this one is going to pan out.  I'll continue texting him and see how it goes...

I've actually talked to a person I met online (novel concept, I know) - I'll call him "M".  I'm not making any predictions after one convo, but he appears more promising than G for a few reasons:  

1 - He admittedly has friends that he hangs out with, which is why it took a couple times to catch each other at home 

2 -  He has a good working knowledge of the English language (I know this shouldn't be a big deal, but it is)

3 - He likes hanging out in Bay View and on the East Side

4 - He asked about hashing (a drinking club with a running problem) and thinks it sounds fun

Again, we shall see how things pan out...

I really am trying to keep a positive attitude about dating (really, I am trying...) While it would be nice to meet some new people, part of me is just happy hanging out with my friends and heading out on some sort of crazy new adventure.  

Then again if my VD status of "where is that stupid little fat baby? he may have an arrow, but I have a shotgun" is any indication of where I'm at in the dating realm, it could be a while...

six months in...

I always thought it was cool that my 1/2 birthday fell on Groundhog Day.  This year, Punxsutawney Phil said there would be six more weeks of winter, while Jimmy in Sun Prairie (WI) said it would be an early spring. I'm going with Jimmy because I like his prediction better.  

Since it IS my 1/2 birthday, it's also that time to revisit the good 'ol birthday wishes...and see if any of them actually came true. 

 

2011 Birthday Wishes (original):

• procure a MacBook - yes, I asked for one for Christmas.  no, I did not get one. tax money is going to other crap. ugh. 
• amp up physical activity - a friend and I have talked about going to yoga classes - and we downloaded the schedule...now we just need to actually go.  I'm still considering purchasing a bike (Rob would be so proud). and I've signed up for a couple fun runs for charity already.  perhaps I will be ready for the Dirty Girl Mud Run in August?  
• try to eat better - it's a good theory, if only I could really put it into practice.  the holidays killed me, but I'm hoping to get back on track.
• attempt to be culinary - ha ha ha ha.  I still define cooking as "empty contents of package into bowl, add water and microwave for five minutes". but pinning recipes to pinterest counts right?
• embrace my curls - my hair is still short.  as long as it's in this style, curls will not be embraced.  however, if I grow it out for summer, this can be revisited.
• beat my brother in "Words with Friends" - 13 August bitches!  sad part is I haven't won since...but we haven't really played either.  this is to my advantage, really.
• travel somewhere besides DC & Chicago - Madison once (but it's still in Wisco).  however, I'm going to St. Louis in March...yippee!!!  and maybe NOLA in June.
• see Wisco Gov. Scott Walker get recalled - signatures have been collected - over one million - so I guess that makes me one in a million :).  currently they're being analyzed and then we can oust the douchebag out of office (not that I have an opinion about it...)
• increase social media knowledge - pinterest and instagram ARE social media tools.  seriously, I've continue to read up on trends and increase my employers presence on the interwebs.  go me.
• engage in artistic endeavors - I did not tile my "east side special" coffee table...but I did this instead. plus, I have a few cool ideas for those wine bottles I now have, and the blank wall by the tv, and....
• continue to promote rjl creative -  still promoting.  still getting little jobs here and there.  I'd have more time for this if I wasn't actively looking for another full-time job in the process.
• become involved with APBT & AmStaff dog rescue/advocacy - I know when events are (3rd Annual Bully Bash is 30 March) . must.go.to.an.event.
• that my mom wins her battle with pancreatic cancer - mom is on an aggressive chemo schedule now :(  however, she remains in good spirits and is resilient as ever (amazingly). 

grinding gears 1.0

We'll call this a post about "what really grinds my gears" - because I most of the time I tend to write when someone or something aggravates me.  

A couple days ago, Starbucks posted this status message on Facebook:

We are proud to support Marriage Equality legislation in the Washington State Legislature. (read full article).  

This was awesome.  Granted, if I'm going out for coffee I'd much rather patronize Alterra or Stone Creek Coffee because they're local - but now I feel a bit better about going to a "big box coffee shop".  Hey, a girl needs a caramel frappucino every once in a while. Outside of my need for a java fix, it's nice to see a mega-corporation align with my views on an issue - especially one I've been involved with (some could say personally) for quite some time.  

One of my best friends from college came out to me seven months after we graduated.  My response was "That's nice, could you get me another beer."  A unique response?  Perhaps.  But the point was his that I didn't care if he was gay - he was still my friend.  That wasn't about to change.  And on that cold December day over a decade ago, my journey as a straight LGBT advocate began.  More than a handful of friends have come out to me since, probably because I won't judge and I accept people for who they are, not their sexual orientation.  Period.  And honestly, I feel every else should do the same (but we sure as hell know that isn't the case).

Back to this wonderful (and somewhat ballsy, seeing the issue at hand) post from Starbucks. I try to keep political banter to a minimum, so I simply "liked" the status.  Then I noticed a male friend posted this comment:

I am so glad I am no longer associated with this filthy corporation.

My initial response was "what the fuck?"   I fail to see why their stance on marriage equality is "filthy".  Seriously.  You can come at the religious angle all you want.  From what I choose to accept and translate from the collection of stories called the Bible, Jesus accepted EVERYONE - regardless of race, creed, religion, socio-economic status, etc. EVERYONE includes sexual orientation. Alienating and damning a whole facet of our population to hell is certainty not "Christian-like".  And I don't think Jesus would approve.

Religious views aside, It seems to me that legislation (and constitutional amendments) were supposed to grant citizens rights - not take them away.  With all the "exclusions" currently in our society, I seriously question the state humanity and our future.

To be in love with someone and be raising a family with someone and want to make that commitment and not be able to is ludicrous, just ludicrous. - Brad Pitt

judgement

this is my choice

my conscience – my life

don’t think i haven’t thought about it

i do every day

and make choices so i don’t have to

make that decision again

the path traveled is the same today

for different reasons

not to repeat the past

i am responsible for this choice

one i should not be ostracized for

walking through doors where my life

dramatically changed

now offer salvation

but more importantly understanding

no questions asked

once the door closes

the interrogation begins

does one really have the right

to question – even judge

you don’t know me or my reasons

who are you to pass judgment

or preach verses to me

allow me to drive off in peace

embracing who i am

from home to home and back...

this past holiday week, I made the 12.5 hour (25 hours round trip) trek from Milwaukee to Potomac and back.  that's quite a lot of time in a vehicle alone, and thus my mind decided to wander.  below are some observations from the road and my visit, complete with the quirky randomness I so enjoy...

• the Chicago skyline is awesome regardless of the time of day (or night)
• Gary, Indiana is still a stinkhole
• "Killing an Arab" by the Cure will likely never be heard on US radio (or radio in general) again, but it will on my iPod 
• the "mountains" of Pennsylvania seemed way more daunting when I was six.  I'm sure they're not "mountains" in the true sense
• even though i can make the dish myself, Mom's mac-n-cheese tastes way better when she makes it
• one can never listen to the John Denver & the Muppets Christmas CD enough 
• my nephews are still freakin' cute

• Gavin is my brother's mini-me.  Liam, on the other hand, has channeled is auntie as a two (and three) year old.  I've already apologized for this
• a four year old boy and truly move at the speed of light to avoid "Santa"
• "Santa" was cool as a kid because he brought toys.  he's even cooler as an adult because now he brings bottles of rum
• watching "A Christmas Story" with Mom (while drinking Bailey's) every year never gets old
• screw a white Christmas.  I'll take a 50 degree green Christmas anyday...
• my aunt called me "cutie".  maybe one day it will resonate (I still maintain that tall, linebacker-built people like myself cannot be "cute")
• within a period of two years, I have become taller than my uncle
• compliments are great, especially when they come from unlikely sources
• there is such a thing as "bad" stuffing and "too sweet" sweet potatoes
• the Loss clan is apparently overwhelming even if you're dealt with them for 45 years
• my brother is way more like our dad than he'd care to admit
• in a room full of trains designed to mesmerize children and enthusiasts alike, I find the Cerberus (three-headed dog) train and a sign that reads "No Humping"
• my legs are freakishly short for my height
• Jim Vance is the shit.  I'd have a beer with him
• Mom and I don't like shopping, but we sure love Target 
• despite not living in the area, I still drive like a native Washingtonian and have a pronounced Maryland "o"
• it's still weird for me to see Ravens jerseys all across Maryland.  growing up it was still Redskins country
• Tilted Kilt is better than Hooters.  yes I wrote that
• the only way I'd be able to fit into a Tilted Kilt "uniform" is if I didn't eat for five months.  that's not gonna happen
• my dad asked me how much air I liked in my tires (prior to getting it checked before my return trip).  I almost responded "I like my tires like my men...hard".  parental filter success
• it is possible for a cute, little Scottie to be incredibly annoying.  ask Caye
• Maryland crab cakes are the shit
• it's ok for Rutgers to upset #10 Kansas, but NOT ok for Vandy to upset #13 Marquette in the same evening
• watching Marquette games with Mom rarely turns out favorably
• Mom sent me home with over three dozen cookies.  if she only knew...
• my iPod has a thing for Erasure
• Bryan Adams is still great driving music.  so is Chicago...this chick digs Cetera
• stupid drivers are bred everywhere...slower traffic keep right and pass on the left...fucktards
• it is still necessary to "salute" any billboard promoting Indiana University.  especially if it involves men's basketball (here's why)
• the College Football Hall of Fame is in South Bend...who knew?
• if Newark, New Jersey is the armpit of the USA, then Gary, Indiana is the bunghole
• Chicago rush hour sucks.  Tastykakes made it a little better
• it is possible for a dog to stay awake the duration of a road trip 
• I am incredibly lucky to have fabulous friends and family in my life
• Mom is a truly amazing woman.  I could only hope to handle myself with such positivity, poise and grace as she has
• I am unfortunate enough to have two places I can call home