2011 birthday wishes (in review)

In a few short days, my (undisclosed age here) "year" will come to an end. It's been an interesting year to say the least, and despite that, I think I actually achieved some things on this list.  Yes, you should be as shocked as I am...

2011 Birthday Wishes (original):

• procure a MacBook (fail) - I could get a red Dell.  or a pink one. or design my own. yes, I think I've given up on this. 
• amp up physical activity (success) - the bike still needs a tune-up. however, I have been walking/jogging with the Badgerland Striders and I did join a gym...with a pool!  that'll be useful for the possible return to "death by tri".  otherwise, I'll just try to emulate Dana Vollmer (USA, WR holder in the 100m fly)
• try to eat better (even) - I'm blaming beer, and those damn cheese balls.
• attempt to be culinary (success) - people have actually asked me for recipes.  I don't know how the hell that happened.
• embrace my curls (even) - I straightened it today as I renewed my DL (it should have been a curly day).  I've gotten WAY better, yet not a full embrace yet.
• beat my brother in "Words with Friends" (success) - 13 August bitches!  I don't think my bro plays this anymore but I still won a game, dammit!
• travel somewhere besides DC & Chicago (success) - I'm calling this a success loosely.  I did go to St. Louis and Ohio...not exotic but elsewhere none the less.
• see Wisco Gov. Scott Walker get recalled (fail) - I voted to get the douche out of office! but damn that "instilling the fear of God in people" campaign tactic.
• increase social media knowledge (even) - a few weeks ago, this would have been a success, then I went to a SoLoMo seminar, and I don't know jack. sadly, I do know more than the average person despite not knowing jack
• engage in artistic endeavors (success) - I've painted wine bottles, taken artsy photos (soon coming to a canvas near you)...looking to do more.
• continue to promote rjl creative (even) -  still promoting and the HAHS annual fundraiser logo was pretty cool. but beyond that not much.
• become involved with APBT & AmStaff dog rescue/advocacy (fail) -  Caye is a great ambassdog and speaks for the breed beautifully. still. must.go.to.an.event.
• that my mom wins her battle with pancreatic cancer (success) - well, I can't really do a success/fail on this in the truest form, but I'll call it success. she hasn't beaten it yet, but the tumor has shrunk by 50% and chemo is down to every other week. go Mom!

Real exciting, I know.  Stay tuned, the 2012 "wishes" will be up in a few days....

dating...

I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. 

I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there you're wondering "Do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I'm not really interested. Should I play like I'm interested? But I'm not that interested, but I think she might be interested. But do I want to be interested, but now she's not interested, so now all of a sudden I'm getting--I'm started to get interested." 

And when is he supposed to kiss me? Do I have to wait for the door 'cause then it's awkward? Or should I just kiss him? It's like, well, "Goodnight. Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close or just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all?" 

It's very difficult trying to read the situation.

being thankful (i don't care if it's the "wrong" month)...

It's amazing how much growing up (even at my age) that one can do in a week...

We like to think our personal problems are the most important in the world (and if you say you've never done this, you're lying).  These problems could include a co-worker you want to punch in the face, feeling left out by a group of friends, attempting to interpret whether there's more than friendship with certain males....you get the picture.  For better or worse,  these problems tend to consume us, as petty as they might be in the grand scheme. 

And that grand scheme hit like a ton of bricks (both bad and good) in the past week...

the bad (because it's better to start with the bad and end on a high note)...

On Tuesday prior to volleyball, I was kind of bummed that I wasn't going to the Cubs/Brewers game and made mention of it to a couple teammates (who knew the underlying reason why). After telling me to shut up and have fun, it ended up being a good night with friends.  

The next morning, I check my Twitter account (per usual) and see a tweet from DS about "a terrible wreck".  "WTF?" was my exact tweet back.  Turns out, the shuttle transporting my friends home from said baseball game got broadsided by a car.  One of the guys (MK) was thrown out the door and was "beaten up" - more precisely, a broken collarbone and a few broken ribs. Fuck...

the good...

Since Mom's diagnosis in August, I try to talk to her at least twice per week (although right now I'm failing miserably at this).  We usually talk about her treatment, along with the sports page.  Overall she's in good spirits, but every once in a while she'll complain about side effects - mostly being tired & run-down - which is to be expected.

On Sunday, I talked to Mom (per usual).  I was excited to share with her that I met an 18-year survivor of pancreatic cancer while at the PurpleStride Milwaukee event. (note: the average life span after diagnosis is 14 months, so 18 years is f-ing amazing) But Mom had fabulous news of her own....her tumor shrunk by 50%!!!!!  This not only means the chemo is working, but the treatments will now be less frequent and evasive. Woot!

In comparison, yes, my problems are trivial. I'm not lying in a hospital bed in pain. I'm not fighting the battle of my life against a deadly disease. I'm not living in a country were even my basic needs are compromised.  Again, you get the point...

As a society we tend to focus on the bad and what we don't have, rather than be grateful for the good and what we do have (myself included). And I know I really need to stop doing this and think about how lucky I really am. 

Thus, I'm thankful...

• that MK's injuries weren't more severe (and wish him a speedy recovery) and that everyone else came away relatively unscathed
• for the medical advances in cancer research, giving all of us hope
• that Mom is at Johns freakin' Hopkins and is receiving among the best care in the nation; as well as Mom continuing to handle herself with positivity, grace and resiliency 
• the above mentioned traits may have been passed down to me (at least in some capacity) 
• for the health, happiness and well-being (generally speaking) of my friends and family
• for my immediate family - their love, their support, the knowledge they'll always be there even across the miles
• for the unending support of my friends (both old and new) - the past ten months would have been hellish without all of them, and their friendships mean more than they know

Life is too short already.  Take the time to be thankful for and savor all the good things.

for mom...

My mother taught me about the power of inspiration and courage, 

and she did it with a strength and a passion that I wish could be bottled.  

~ Carly Fiorina 

Although some people wouldn't believe it now, I wasn't too fond of my mother as a teenager.  Granted, no one really is, but I was truly convinced my mother was related to Satan. Even when I went to college, I recall hanging up on my mother more than once (and my dad calling back). It's not that my mom was a bad person. I'm just an optimist and she's what I would call critical. We just had different ways of seeing things and combined with our stubbornness, it just didn't mesh well.

After college graduation, my mom and didn't always see eye to eye, but we garnered a mutual respect. Through the years, the relationship with my mom has blossomed into a  good one. Years ago, no one (family included) could imagine that we could go on one - let alone three - two week vacations together. Yes, we did get on each others nerves once in a while - but no one got thrown off a balcony or anything. And I discovered we both share a hobby of photography and the pursuit of that perfect shot. I cherish the memories and time I spent with Mom on those trips, and hope to venture to Alaska in 2013.

This is poignant as Mom was diagnosed with cancer in August 2012.  I have always thought my mom to be "a strong, stubborn German woman" - much like my grandmother - but with a caring, compassionate side.  I figure if anyone is going to fight this disease - it's her.  And I truly believe she can...and will.  

I've said this before, but I am still in awe of how Mom has handled everything.  While I was going to through my divorce, my dad told me "Your mother and I raised you kids to be strong, independent and able to handle anything thrown at you".  Little did I expect that  we'd have to deal with something like this thrown at us.  But dammit, that phrase is true - and I see we got a lot of that resiliency from Mom. Her persistence actually prompted the doctors to perform more invasive tests - which lead to diagnosis.  I firmly believe that, because of this, her treatment is going well as they caught it early enough. However,  It is debatable whether my trait of persistence has served me well - I guess it depends what side you're on.

But I am most in awe of her positive spirit (and not just because she's "a realist" - her term for it). I for one would be scared shitless and probably be dropping f-bombs if it were me.  Granted, I have done both in the past nine months (mostly with close friends), but I feel I need to be strong for Mom (and provide the comic relief).  Despite all the poking, prodding, chemically infused things going into her body - she is happy and living each day to the fullest.  I figure you can let the diagnosis kick your butt, or attempt to kick the butt of the diagnosis.  The latter seems to suit  Mom better - and her daughter is always up for some butt-kicking as well, although I may be a bit more obvious and verbal about it.

Mom is someone I have grown respect and admire, and most importantly, someone I couldn't imagine life without - and hope not to have to experience that anytime soon. I can only hope to exhibit half the grace, poise, courage and positive attitude as she has in the past nine months - in any situation.

So on this Mother's Day...it really is all about Mom.  If your mom is no longer with us, remember the good times and cherish the memories.  If your mom is indeed alive, take her out to lunch or a movie (or a botanical garden) - or if there are miles between you, at least call her.  After all, you only get one mother.

♥  Thanks Mom, for all you've instilled and given me...love you! ♥

what to do?

Well, it's been about six months since the break-up.  I'd like to say things have gotten easier, but in all honesty, they haven't. Sure, there have been some successes (and some setbacks), but I feel that things are pretty much back where they started.

This is foreign territory to me, as I've been able to maintain friendships with most of my exes.  This is something I actually pride myself on, and a couple of them remain some of my best friends.  Yes, it took time and effort; however, in the end it was well worth it.

I'm reminded of something said to me during the break-up:  "We'll still be friends and hang out.  And if there's an informal lab gathering, I can let you know about it."

I can say with 100% confidence that the only informal lab gathering I've been extended the invite to was a "successfully defended her dissertation" soiree - and that's because the guest of honor invited me.  Since December, I haven't been invited to anything outside of playing volleyball.  I didn't expect things to stay exactly the same, but I didn't expect to be completely shut out either.  It kinda sucks - no, it really sucks.

Despite the events (or lack of) that have occurred, I can't fault anyone for saying that.  When one is in an emotional situation, things are said to smooth said situation over.  But based upon my past track record, there was no reason for me not to believe it.  I'm not upset with what was said; I'm upset at myself for whole-heartedly believing it.

To say this situation isn't par for the course would be an understatement.   I was also told around Thanksgiving:   "I still want to be friends, but I'm not sure how to make that transition easier."  And to be honest, I don't know either.  

I feel like every time I extend the proverbial olive branch, it's either ignored or broken and handed back to me.  I also don't know how to initiate a conversation about this without it being perceived as hostile or confrontational (although that is not my intent).  I am literally at a loss about what to do.

And yet I keep trying...

nine months (no...not that!)

It's that time again...time for the quarterly re-visit of my 2011 Birthday Wishes (and I've even hit the date spot on!).  Besides, I know y'all are anxiously awaiting the update (ha ha...yeah right...)

2011 Birthday Wishes (original):

• procure a MacBook - maybe I should just give up on this one and buy a new Dell (even though I really want a MacBook) - the Dell is cheaper and has the same crap. 
• amp up physical activity - well, I've done a couple yoga classes and have procured a bicycle (now just to get it a tune-up and new tires).  I've done two walk/runs for charity, with a third one on 2 June.plus, I think I'm doing "death by tri" this year. and I may have been talked into doing something crazy in Vegas in December.
• try to eat better - this would be easier without the invention of cheese balls.
• attempt to be culinary - I have more than attempted...I have succeeded! from greek pasta to chicken/broccoli/cheese casserole, I have done it.  and it's been pretty darn tasty! (and surprisingly healthy)
• embrace my curls - hmmm, my hair is currently staging a coup and wants to be straight. that's ok, once the humidity kicks up the curls will be back as they are today.  the biggest dilemma is what color to dye it.
• beat my brother in "Words with Friends" - 13 August bitches!  I don't think my bro plays this anymore - something about caring for a four and two year old - but I still won a game, dammit!
• travel somewhere besides DC & Chicago - I went to St. Louis in March! oh yeah, Madison & Chicago...again.  rumor has it I may be in Ohio in May...
• see Wisco Gov. Scott Walker get recalled - recall primary 8 May, recall election 5 June...let's get the douchebag out of office!
• increase social media knowledge - I continue to read up on trends and increase my employers presence on the interwebs.  go me.
• engage in artistic endeavors - I've painted a couple wine bottles...here's one of them. and I think I might put some of my photos on canvas. and maybe stop taking pics of my pup, but he's so dang cute.
• continue to promote rjl creative -  still promoting.  did get a freelance job for an insurance agency. but even cooler, I've designed the logo/collaterals for the HAHS annual fundraiser.
• become involved with APBT & AmStaff dog rescue/advocacy -  Caye is a great ambassdog and speaks for the breed beautifully. still. must.go.to.an.event.
• that my mom wins her battle with pancreatic cancer - she is responding to chemo well and continues to be in good spirits.  if anyone wonders where I get my strength and resiliency from, it's from mom. and I wouldn't trade that for the world. this is also the third charity walk, but the only one for which I'm accepting donations. (shameless plug, I know.  I don't care either...it's a good cause).

yes, for real...

I have gotten "interesting" messages via online dating sites before...but, yeah...I can't make this up:

Hi! I like your profile, and I would love to hear from you. I am a crossdresser with a pantyhose fetish looking for an open minded woman to roleplay fantasies with. 

The guy gets props for not being shy and up front about his fetishes.  And while I'm pretty open about things, how does one respond to that?