fear this

As of late, I have been "reminded" of some of my peculiar persuasions - or irrational fears - if you will.

What exactly is an "irrational fear"? Well, it's a type of phobia (from the Greek, meaning "fear"), A phobia is a intense and persistent fear of certain situations, activities, things, etc. where the main symptom is the excessive and/or unreasonable desire to avoid the things/situations feared. Usually, it is a learned response brought on by an experience. However, the fear is usually transmitted to other situations while the original experience is repressed or forgotten.

Or in layrpersons terms - the crazy, I’ve-got-a-better-chance-of-winning-the-lottery than being (fill in the blank), kind of fears.

We all have them. Some people are afraid of driving on bridges, others fear historical figures (really, there are people afraid of Abraham Lincoln). And yes, I have some irrational fears of my own.

One of these such fears is commonplace in our society: the drive-thru. I do not like driving through the drive-thru. In fact I will try to avoid doing so at all costs. When I go to the bank, I park the car and walk into the bank to make a deposit, get quarters, etc. I rationalize by saying I want to say "hi" to the people at the bank - who happen to be very nice. And sometimes they have cookies. If I get a "fast food" meal, I go into the establishment to order. Hmmm, maybe that's why I like Subway so much (aside from it being delish) - no drive-thru. In fact I will have someone else drive my vehicle through the damn thing. Now you ask if the fear interferes with your life could it be an anxiety disorder? Perhaps, although I've never heard of a "drive-thru phobia". But is it really wrong to want to talk to folks personally rather than a sliding glass window? However, the weird part is that I am perfectly fine if I am a passenger and not driving the vehicle.

But Bec, the drive-thru? Yes, really. Maybe it's because when I was learning to drive many of the roads had cement barriers and each time I got too close, my dad would comment (read: yell). Or it could be that I have visions of hitting the accelerator instead of the brake - which I did on my learner's permit, causing an accident - and find myself on the news because I literally "drove-through" the fast food establishment. Realistically, the chances of the latter happening are slim...yet there is that possibility.

The other one may fall into that Abe Lincoln category: clawfooted tubs. At least I know how this fear manifested.

I was seven and my family was visiting relatives in North Dakota in the dead of winter...and it was f*in cold. We stayed in a hotel with a clawfooted tub, which I actually bathed in. Then I went to bed and had this dream: I was taking a bath and the bathtub decided to use its feet to walk outside. In the middle of the night. With snow and -40 wind chills. And it left me in the middle of an intersection. Using infinite seven-year-old wisdom, I determined that if it could happen in a dream it could actually happen. Needless to say, I never got into the hotel tub - or any other clawfooted tub - since.

Well, that's a bit nutty, right? I'll even admit that. It's not like I have an issue with other tubs or I'm afraid of water (especially if I swam competitively for ten years and have done the swimming portion of triathalons). So two years ago, at Camp Wawbeek, I tried to overcome this fear. The shower I usually used was being fixed in the house where Kiwanians stayed; the only other in-house option was a clawfooted tub. After a ten-minute stare down, the damn tub won. I still couldn't do it. I walked across the way to the dorms (where the college kids were) and showered there. Apparently I'm still not over my issue of clawfooted tubs. I guess would also be a prime example of fear interfering with life. Yet I ask, how often will I really encounter a clawfooted tub?

Personally, I think by acknowledging the the irrationality (but not necessarily rationalizing it) makes it less abnormal, or I'll say it, crazy.

In the meantime, please keep me away from drive-thrus and clawfooted tubs - then everything will be just fine.

undo the dew

Anyone who's known me any length of time knows I can usually be found with a diet Dew in hand. I joke that if you cut me open, you would find this delicious caffeinated, carbonated beverage running through my veins. However, I really don't think it's far from the truth.

That's somewhat frightening, isn't it?

What everyone doesn't know is that I've tried to kick the diet Dew habit...more than once. Perhaps the most drastic of attempts included hypnotism in 2004 - which actually did work for about six months. I credit this in part to working for my chiropractor and working at the front desk. It's hard to promote a healthy lifestyle while chugging something wholly unhealthy, and hypocrisy doesn't work well with me. The other part? Brady (the hypnotist) reminding me how bad Dew was for my body any chance he got. Not that I was afraid of his wrath, but why subject myself to it?

Then I changed fields and started working at CK, and that whole six months went out the window. A couple of half-hearted attempts have transpired since then, but nothing worth writing home about.

Well, it just might be time to kick, or at least greatly minimize, the diet Dew habit. And maybe if I share it with the "world" on the interwebs, I just might be successful.

Only one diet Dew today so far....

material issue?

But Will It Make You Happy? (Leah Hash for The New York Times)

She had so much.

A two bedroom apartment. Two cars. Enough wedding chine to serve two dozen people.

Yet Tammy Strobel wasn't happy. Working as a project manager with an investment management firm in Davis, Calif., and making about $40,000 a year, she was, as she put it, caught in the "work-spend treadmill".

So one day she stepped off.

Inspired by books and blog entries about living simply, Ms. Strobel and her husband, Logan Smith, both 31, began donating some of their belongings to charity. As the months passed, out went stacks of sweaters, shoes, books, pots and pans, even the television after a trial separation during which it was relegated to a closet. Eventually, they got rid of their cars, too. Emboldened by a web site that challenges consumers to live with just 100 personal items, Ms. Strobel winnowed down her wardrobe and toiletries to precisely that number.

Her mother called her crazy.

Today, three years after Ms. Strobel and Mr. Smith began downsizing, they live in Portland, Ore., in a spare, 400-square foot studio with a nice-sized kitchen. Mr. Smith is completing a doctorate in physiology; Ms. Strobel happily works from home as a Web designer and freelance writer. She owns four plates, three pairs of shoes and two pots. With Mr. Smith in his final weeks of school, Ms. Strobel's income of about $24,000 a year covers their bills. They are still car-free but have bikes. One other thing they no long have: $30,000 of debt.

See full article

This got me thinking...do the materialistic things really make us happy?

It's a thought-provoking question, especially after giving this article a read. I'd like to think I'm slightly ahead of the curve on this one, as I inadvertently started doing this 18 months ago. There's a bit of back-story, so bear with me.

In February 2009, Grandmom passed away after two-plus years of her health being compromised. Grandmom grew up during the depression and was poor as a child, thus the propensity to save everything...money, documents, clothes, etc. I understand this rationale and didn't think anything of it, until we went into her basement after the funeral. Holy crap, the term "pack rat" took on a whole new meaning. Why on earth would one save all this...well, crap?

This was the first epiphany. If got hit by the proverbial bus, who would sift through all my stuff? When I got home, I started spring cleaning...never mind that I was a month or so early. Clothes were donated, old documents were shredded - you get the idea. I think I might have even cleaned thought no one was coming to visit.

Fast forward a few months. It was just just me and Caye, as Lily had been put down in June 2009. Reassessing my living situation, I realized that having a two-story flat was pointless for me and one dog - especially since I rarely used the second level. Furthermore, the monthly dwelling payment was a little too high for my tastes (and one income). Truth be told, I was contemplating a move since the divorce was finalized in fall 2008 so the concept wasn't really new...taking action was.

Thus came the second epiphany. I could move to the area of the city I wanted. I have always loved the east side (by far my favorite Milwaukee "borough") and my search began. There was no way in hell I could afford a condo or house on the east side, so renting it was. Now, the issue was trying to find a place that had no breed and no weight restrictions for dogs. Well, I found that so the move was on. But it also begged the question: how does one downsize from a two-story, two-bedroom flat to a one-bedroom apartment?

Well, get rid of crap of course! Goodwill probably loved my frequent trips. Let's face it, I, of all people, do not need three sets of pots & pans. I also utilized craigslist.com, and I think I sold enough to actually cover a good chunk of my security deposit (now could someone just take my wedding dress, please?) So yes, all my worldly belongings are in a one-bedroom apartment minus what my mom wishes I would take from her house (sorry Mom, you'll have to keep SuperPickle for now) and storage bins. I realized when you have less room to put crap, it makes you think before you buy that cool home decor piece or random thing-a-ma-jiggie. Since I'm moved, I've spent a lot less money on "non-essentials" which isn't necessarily a bad thing. The significant drop in living expenses isn't bad either.

As a result I actually saved money. What a concept! And then I had a third epiphany. I wondered why I was paying a large chunk of change (read: rent or mortgage payment) for my car payment and insurance. Don't get me wrong, my Versa was awesome - but seeing I maybe drive 8000 miles a year did it make sense putting that much of my monthly income into a car? Thankfully, I had a clause that I could return the car if desired - and I took advantage of it. In late June, I became the proud owner of Clyde, a 1989 Camry. He's rough around the edges, but he's a good little car. And I really like not having any monthly car payment (outside of insurance) and owning it outright. I'll probably need another epiphany to determine what to do with those excess funds, but right now can you say savings account?

While 100 personal items total (I'm sure my hair products alone constitute 10 items) and dismissing my television all-together seems a bit (scratch that...a lot) drastic, maybe I can forgo the hair gel and kill my television for a few hours. And perhaps when I buy new clothes, I can donate some to Goodwill.

But I'm happy with what I have - both tangible and non-tangible - and I'm not too concerned with what I don't have. I figure if I don't have it, I don't really need it.

That kind of makes the material stuff insignificant, doesn't it?

birfday musings

Well, another birfday (or burpday) has come and gone...it was a great one largely due to friends and family.

Thanks to:

• Mom for calling and singing
• Dad for calling and attempting to sing, and our 15 minute convo about good beer vs. skunky beer (in case you're wondering, Dad is not a fan of PBR but gives Lakefront's East Side Dark two thumbs up)
• Bro for calling, even though he reminded me I will always be older than him (gee, thanks..) but in retort, I don't look older than him
• Joe for calling from NYC...I miss my Joe-baby and yes, you are on my "visit list"
• Jen & Jeanette for bday lunches
• Joy for bday dinner and my fabulous college roomies for a Sunday funday at Ale House (how I've missed thee!)
• Sandbox Pimps for the bday cake & beer (better than it sounds...and the frosting was fantastic!) after vball
• SoBs for a Bradford Beach Sunday funday
• everyone who came out to Burnham Bowl on Friday for karaoke and assorted shenanigans
• all those who posted bday wishes on facebook (holy balls, there were quite a few...)
• Doug for the "ancient" surprise (even though I still question the validity of that clue) and always being there - I'm happy you're in my life :) (saving the best for last, of course)

And, believe it or not, I've actually made headway on my birthday wish list 2010. Who would have thunk it, right?

No, I haven't mastered the bass or lost 20 lbs in a month. However, I...

• have caught up with friends I haven't really seen in the past year, and I will stay in touch much better this year (keep me accountable for this, folks)
• promised Joe (NYC) and Dwayne (AZ) I'd visit them. I guess this means I'll do it, as I'm not one for breaking promises
• now am the proud owner the adapter so I can play my iPod in my car...and I love it (I mean, where else can I go from Billy Talent to Front 242 to Billy Joel?)
• contrived a financial plan to actually save money (I'll let you know how that goes)
• wrote to envelope to send in Kiwanis dues (baby steps, baby steps)

So yeah, I'm another year older...but honestly, I don't feel it or look it. As I embark on my last year of this decade, I'm hopeful and enthusiastic for what the upcoming year will bring. And y'all are welcome to come along for the ride...it looks to be a good one!

24.random.facts

Oh facebook...the things you have us think about. I originally intended to post this list there as a note. However, this list turned into something a little more than random facts so I felt more comfortable posting it here. Plus, since it’s my blog I knocked it down to 24 facts, because 24 is divisible by 8 – my lucky number. Makes sense to me…

1. I have been a vegetarian twice in my life - once in college, once two years ago - which ended due to me being anemic both times. The irony is that only like about ½ of the vegetables created especially the weird, unliked by the populous types (turnips, parsnips, beets, etc.) However, the only fruit I don’t like are oranges.
2. That being said, my food tastes/preferences could be described as “junk food junkie” or “kiddie menu”. Chicken nuggets and fries are a totally acceptable meal at any time; same goes for diet Dew and Doritos. I will (and have) argued that Doritos can be considered a health food, and diet Dew contains concentrated orange juice so that counts as a fruit, right?
3. My math SAT score was 720. This may explain why I can quickly do math in my head but doesn’t explain why I don’t like math. It may also explain why I’m cerebral when it comes to playing/watching sports because I sure won’t outrun anybody.
4. With football, I’m more interested in watching the defense than the offense. I just find it more intriguing while others find it strange, but I find there’s more strategy in defense. This may also explain why I’m a Bears fan…Monsters of the Midway baby!
5. I lack the attention span to watch most long movies (over 2 hours) but, for some reason, have no problem watching a whole (3 hour plus) baseball game, even when the Cubs are getting shellacked.
6. Speaking of movies, I have never seen Gone With the Wind or Casablanca and probably won’t unless I’m “forced” to do so. However, if it’s an Adam Sandler flick, I’ve likely seen it. More than once. Even Little Nicky, as bad as it was.
7. I cannot work or read in complete silence. There needs to be background noise. In other words, I need distraction to be effective. My ability to multi-task is unparallel, much like my attraction to shiny things.
8. I say the word “fuck” a lot. It doesn’t make me a bad person. Deal with it.
9. Most of my favorite musical artists hail from Canada. I’ll call it the “Adams factor” as I was a rabid Bryan Adams fan as a kid. Still a fan, just not nearly as rabid…actually I don’t know when I last listened to him. However, Billy Talent, Alexisonfire and Tragically Hip (all Canadian) came on my iPod this morning.
10. My current vehicle is old enough to buy its own beer. I think Clyde would be a PBR kind of guy, either that or a flaming shot.
11. The sheer stupidity and/or ignorance of most drivers amazes me. As a result, I only drive when necessary and successfully (for the most part) convince others to drive if we’re going somewhere.
12. If Milwaukee had a better (read: more expansive and less expensive) public transportation system, I likely would not own a car. If you need to know why, see #11.
13. I am of German, Polish, English and Irish descent; but most people think I’m Italian. I have also passed for Spanish, Dutch and English – at least I’m one of those! Yet I don’t get mistaken for being German even though I’m ½ German. My mom and brother, on the other hand, are undeniably German.
14. Outside of the USA, I have set foot in Germany more than any other country. Sadly, the only German I know consists of greetings and insults which means I can effectively say “Good day, shithead”. Thanks Mom!
15. Bad grammar in facebook status messages annoys me. Oh fuck, bad grammar annoys me in general – especially when supposedly intelligent people engage in this practice. It’s to the point where I actually want to write a comment correcting their grammar.
16. Aside from grammar and alphabetizing CDs/DVDs, I’m not an anal retentive person. Some people might consider me messy and my desk a work hazard. I refer to it as an “organized mess”. I can find something when you ask for it, so don’t mess up my filing system.
17. Although I’m not religious, I find the connection between religion, culture and society fascinating.
18. I would take a beer in a bar over a cosmo in a club almost anyway. Sure, I don’t mind dressing up and going to the clubs on occasion…but nothing beats hanging out with friends at a local watering hole.
19. Little/trivial things get me frustrated, but I’m usually calm in the middle of a shitstorm. Case in point…a couple weeks ago my credit card didn’t work while attempting to order a pizza (due to being cancelled due to a fraud alert). However, when my car overheated on I94…I was calm and focused on the situation at hand. I really have no valid explanation for this behavior.
20. As a child, I had buck teeth, coke-bottle glasses, afro hair and a chunky build – not the picture of cuteness. At all. Don’t believe my dad, he had to say that I was pretty, cute, etc. Thanks to nine years of orthodontic, contacts and anti-frizz serum from John Freida I don’t look like a freak of nature (yet still linebacker-esque in stature). However, I still see that kid inside and really don’t think I’m pretty, cute, etc. At least I’ve learned to say “thank you” in response to a compliment, even if I don’t believe it most of the time…
21. I have no first cousins on my mom’s side of the family, and I’m not really close to the first cousins on my dad’s side; thus when people are close to their cousins it’s a foreign concept to me. Then again, I don’t really have anything in common with my cousins.
22. Along the same lines, I’m always felt like the “black sheep” with my dad’s family due to a number of reasons including political persuasion, current geographic location and career field. I come home 2-3 times/year and it’s not like anyone (aside from the parentals, bro, sis-in-law & nephews) really seem to care one way or another…yet they feel I should live in Maryland. Aside from the aforementioned family, the only other family member who “got it” was Grandmom.
23. The whole CKI situation from April 2009 still gets to me, despite talking and blogging about it. It hurts that a majority of the people who once cared and were a significant part of my life don’t give a fuck anymore. Don’t get me wrong, there are some with whom I still keep in touch (you know who you are and thank you!) They say time heals all wounds, but it’s making it difficult for me to become involved with the K-Family again.
24. I often don’t ask for help even if I need it. This is in part due to being independent/stubborn and the belief I can do it myself; if I can’t I feel like I failed in some way. It’s also in part that I don’t expect people to actually help. However, I’m always appreciative if you do help me.