hope springs eternal

Easter was never really a big holiday in my family, In fact, last year was the first time I was home for Easter since my senior year in high school. 

Easter is a a time for hope and renewal, which usually coincides with the physical onset of spring. 

Easter was also the last holiday I saw Mom happy and healthy. Last year, I (as well as my family) really did have reasons for hope and celebration of life. Hope in that her tests all came back negative and the cancer had not spread. Mom looked  - and more importantly - felt healthy and her attitude was positive as ever. She was happy and was still able to live life to the fullest (with a couple rest stops along the way). We celebrated her health and happiness. It was a time of renewal as we all thought she had turned a corner and was going to continue the good fight. While her spirit was strong enough to do so, her body had been ravaged by the fight. And you know the how the story ends.  I am extremely thankful I made the trip home last Easter, as I got to see Mom as Mom one last time. 

However, Mom has never left us. Her spirit lives on, and I especially feel it during spring. Mom loved flowers and the color yellow. Daffodils are among the first flowers to bloom, signalling the onset of spring. It takes me back to Easter as a kid - daffodils in bloom along the front walk, wearing a frilly dress I did not pick out, and hunting for Easter eggs. It was a simpler, carefree time.

On Saturday I was at the store and I noticed a bunch of daffodils in the floral department. I'm not one to buy myself flowers, but I was drawn to them. And really, there was no way I couldn't get them.

Those daffodils now sit in a mason jar on my coffee table. And while nothing can bring Mom back, I can always bring a little reminder of her spirit home.

words of remembrance

Christmas was always Mom's holiday. I'm not sure what the holidays in Maryland will hold this year; but I know there will be a void and heavy hearts for all of us. The key is to cherish the memories and the good times (whilst sipping some Bailey's on the rocks.)

Having said that, I finally feel ready to share the words of remembrance from August...

Well, first everyone had a role in the past two years. Dad took care of the logistics and took mom to her bi-weekly appointments. Chris took Mom to CT scans and translated the medical-ease for those less savvy such as Dad and myself.  And then there’s me, who took it upon herself to be comic relief by default.  So if I make a fool of myself up here, it’s par for the course.

Case in point…at Mom’s CT scan in April, the director of oncology at Johns Hopkins said “Kids, your mom is one tough cookie”  and I immediately responded “That’s because she’s German.” Laughter briefly ensues. Not that Germans are strong-willed or stubborn at all. But while Mom and I were never truly at odds, we sometimes had a difference in opinion on the ways in which to do things (again, not German related or the previously mentioned fact I take after my dad’s side of the family). The most recent example came last Sunday, when our difference in cleaning styles – or my lack thereof – came to light. I was helping to vacuum, and mom informed me when I missed a spot (more than once, mind you). Part of me was incredulous that this was happening, but mostly I was smiling because that was Mom. I just hope she is not looking at my apartment right now…

I started really bonding with Mom went I went away to Marquette for college (absence makes the heart grow fonder right?).  Maybe it was the weekly phone calls; maybe it was that I started to think of mom as more than a mom, but a friend. We talked about everything from relationships to sports. Actually, a lot about sports, mostly football and NCAA basketball. Of course, I couldn’t have the Vikings as my 2^nd team, so I chose the rival Bears – also Dad’s team. But the NCAA tourney was our bread and butter – Mom groomed me as a bracketologist from the tender age of ten. And every year, we’d discuss our picks in depth after the selection show. I think my bracket only beat hers five times, but under her tutelage, I’ve been quite fortuitous in other pools. Those weekly phone calls continued until three weeks ago – her very last phone call to me was to wish me a happy birthday. 

Our bond really grew stronger during our three trips together (Baltic cruise 2006, Greece 2008, Spain 2010). And it is true that you don’t really get to know someone until you travel with them, or if you prep for travel with them. I did mention differences right? Mom started packing two weeks before each trip; I packed the night before each trip. Mom could not stand that, yet I was the one who never forgot anything. Mom couldn’t sleep on the plane; I fell asleep in the States and woke up in Europe. Some of my fondest (and funniest) memories of Mom happened on these excursions. During the Baltic cruise, I introduced Mom to karaoke for the first time. After every performance, she retorted “I used to like that song”. We also enjoyed Baileys on the balcony (which Mom smuggled on the ship). In Greece, whilst admiring the beauty of the Aegean Sea, Mom accidently dropped her digital camera into it. In Costa del Sol, Mom and I shared cheese and wine on the balcony – which was probably the best conversation I ever had with Mom. In Madrid, whilst dining with a bullfight on the tele in the background, Mom loudly was cheering for the bull. Thankfully, the people in the restaurant did not speak English. 

All kidding aside, Mom and I shared a love of photography, history and travel…so these excursions were a perfect combination. Although our styles were definitely different.  Mom was determined to get the exact name of every building, historical site, ruin, etc.; I also did to an extent, but also took picture of random people, dogs, alleys, etc. to get a feel of the culture. Mom undeniably looked like a tourist from the States; I passed for British…in fact, there were times where folks in our tour group in Spain asked if we were really related at first.  Then they started talking to us and realized that yes, yes we are related…because of our smiles and positive outlook on life.

I thought about that observation…and soon realized that the first things people notice about me are my positive attitude and smile (and yes, Dad I know you paid for my smile) – traits I definitely inherited from Mom. While Mom was slightly more subdued than I, one could tell that she could find the good in most things and enjoy life to the fullest. There was always some fiber of her being that believed that she would overcome this hurdle – as I (and everyone else) were also hoping and praying for the very same outcome. Even the last time I saw Mom, when she smiled she could still light up a room. 

However, it was that positive attitude (and stubbornness, hmm…strength) that helped Mom defy the odds. Mom fought this disease with more grace, courage, determination and positivity anyone could have imagined; in the future, I can only hope to face any adversity the same as she did.

Mom, you will never be forgotten and will always be in my heart – and I couldn’t have asked for a better mother. I love you…

alfie, the christmas tree

the holiday season is the one time of year I turn into a pseudo-sap and can get somewhat emotional. Christmas was - and still is - my favorite holiday. and while this Christmas may be bittersweet for obvious reasons, I'm fortunate enough to have Christmas memories and traditions to last my lifetime.

one of these traditions is the almost constant playing of John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together CD. I'm really not sure how it came about, but to me Christmas isn't complete without it.  my favorite song on the CD has always been Alfie, The Christmas Tree (and much to the chagrin of everyone, I can still recite the whole song). 

to me, it simply yet eloquently states the "reason for the season"....




Did you ever hear the story of the Christmas Tree
who just didn't want to change the show?
He liked living in the woods and playing with squirrels, he liked icicles and snow.

He liked wolves and eagles and grizzly bears
and critters and creatures that crawled.
Why bugs were some of his very best friends, spiders and ants and all.

Now that's not to say that he ever looked down on the vision of twinkling lights,
or on mirrored bubbles and peppermint canes and a thousand other delights.
And he often had dreams of tiny reindeer
and a jolly old man and a sleigh full of toys and presents and wonderful things,
and the story of Christmas Day.

Oh, Alfie believed in Christmas all right, he was full of Christmas cheer.
All of each and every day and all throughout the year.
To him it was more than a special time much more than a special day,
It was more than a beautiful story. it was a special kind of way.

You see, some folks have never heard a jingle bell ring,
And they've never heard of Santa Claus.
They've never heard the story of the Son of God. And that made Alfie pause.

Did that mean that they'd never know of peace on earth
or the brotherhood of man?
Or know how to love, or know how to give? If they can't, no one can.

You see, life is a very special kind of thing, not just for a chosen few.
But for each and every living breathing thing. Not just me and you.

So in your Christmas prayers this year, Alfie asked me if I'd ask you
to say a prayer for the wind, and the water, and the wood
and those who live there, too.

"celebrating" one year...

mom & i in greece, 2008

It was a year and 11 days ago Sunday (19 August) that Mom found out her diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.  I found out a day later.  I don't think any of us knew what to expect, and to some degree, we still don't.

I went home for a week in mid-August to spend time with family which was much needed. I was mentally and emotionally prepared to see Mom without her wig, and it only freaked me out because she looked exactly like her mother (genetics, I tell ya). However, with the wig, you'd never know anything was wrong with her.  Fortunately, the chemo does not hinder her from doing daily activities or excursions (such as an Orioles game until 1 am) - but she does tire easily.  Again,if this is one of the only side effects, it's a win in my book.

I also had the opportunity to take her to her chemo appointment at Johns Hopkins during my visit. It was something I knew I had to do, and something I wanted to do - even with my dislike of hospitals (probably because I've been in too many of them). The appointment takes a full day; I really thought Dad was kidding about that.  However, after meeting Shawna (Mom's nurse) and other staff, I'm assured that she is in excellent hands.  Since I had plenty of time to sit and wait, I realized how well-off Mom is compared to other patients. Mom went up to register herself, didn't have a walker and doesn't have to wear a surgical mask (the germ factor). I was also shocked to see how young (and worse-off than Mom) some of the patients where - I'm sure about 33% where younger than me.  I came away appreciating my own health and in the grand scheme, allergies and crappy knees really aren't that big of a deal.

This has also been a learning experience.  I - along with my family - have researched pancreatic cancer extensively.  I won't talk about the statistics, as they are not uplifting by any means. Sadly, I've had three friends lose a parent to this disease; and Mom has survived longer than any of them.  The only good thing (if any) about that is that I have support from friends who know EXACTLY what is going on. But knowing is half the battle (thank you GI Joe) - the other is imparting that knowledge. I educate anyone who will listen - whether they want to hear about it or not.  The more who know, the more we can continue the fight.

Finally, this journey has made me fully aware of the power of the human psyche.  Attitude and the mind from which it springs is the biggest, baddest, and best weapon we have against this bitch of a disease. It's all about perspective - being angry or upset isn't going to help anyone at this point. Hope and strength will.

I have always said (and likely always will say) that I can only hope to handle whatever life throws at me with half the grace, courage and positivity Mom has exhibited in the past year. She truly is an inspiration to us all. 

for more information or to donate, check out the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network

christmas time

there's something about christmas time

that makes your wish it was christmas every day

to see the joy in the children's eyes

the way that the old folks smile

says that christmas will never go away

~ bryan adams, christmas time

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday (well, aside from my birthday - but one could argue that is not a holiday).  The way Mom decorates the house at Christmas, the various aromas of sweet goodies (especially my toffee), visiting with the extended fam (as it's the only time of year I usually see them), playing with my nephews (who are adorable and rock my world)....the list goes on.  There is just something warm and fuzzy about Christmas.  

I will be going back to DC/MD/VA for Christmas this year.  While the warm fuzzies will be there, I can't help to think that this year Christmas will be different yet special.

This year I'll be embarking on a journey I've never done - driving home by myself.   Just me, a Cayenne, 1500 songs on the iPod, 12 hours, six states and 700 miles of highway.  And yes, I know not to stop at the Hardee's on the Ohio Turnpike.  It also marks Cayenne's inaugural trip to the east coast - believe it or not.  I'm sure he'll be entertained by Gus, Mom's errant 1.5 year old Scottie. 

I'll also be at home for a week - something I haven't done this millennium.  Mainly this has been due to lack of PTO (paid time off), lack of a dogsitter, and monetary restraints (dogsitting ain't cheap...neither is airfare).  This year I have the time saved up and driving is cheaper in the long run.  However, there is really only one major reason I'm going for a week this year:  Mom.

As many know, my Mom is battling pancreatic cancer.  On Tuesday, we found out her tumor is currently inoperable (as it's entwined in the artery)...not the Christmas present any of us wanted.  So Mom gets eight weeks of aggressive chemo as a gift....although the docs are hopeful this will shrink the tumor and open the possibility to remove it.  We've all been practicing the same mantra:  hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.  The best gift ever would be successful chemo, tumor removal and remission - even if that would happen a few months late.

Part of the harsh reality is this could be Mom's last Christmas - although I have faith in the doctors/health care professionals at Johns Hopkins, plus Mom's own resilience and positive attitude,  that it won't be. Call it being stubborn or being an eternal optimistic (or a little of both), but Mom will be around for more Christmases and birthdays. Regardless, this will be a special Christmas.

So this holiday season enjoy time with friends, family and loved ones.  Tell them you love them, enjoy their friendship, what have you.  If you've had a falling out with a friends, make amends.  

Life is too short not to cherish it, so savor every moment and make it count. 

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

birthday wishes 2011

soybean wishes & dreams

On Tuesday, I will celebrate my (undisclosed age here) birthday.  And I've learned yet again, it doesn't matter how old you are - your mother will still ask "what do you want for your birthday?"

This year I actually had an answer:  a MacBook.  I think I'm just going to get a check, which undoubtedly will end up going toward something else.

So with that segue, I give you my birthday wishes of 2011:

• procure a MacBook - did I mention I really want one of these?  
• amp up physical activity - hashing, boot camp and volleyball are great...but maybe get back into yoga?
• try to eat better - as an admitted "junk food junkie", sometimes it's a chore to sneak salads in there (because a cheeseburger & tots sounds so much better) even though I actually don't mind salads.
• attempt to be culinary - stop laughing.  I mean it- I've even considered taking a class.  Damn you Food Network and shows like "Chopped"!
• embrace my curls - as a friend put it "learn to love the hair you're in!"  I will say this "embracing" makes getting ready in the morning uber-easy.
• beat my brother in "Words with Friends" - he gets all the good letters, I swear.
• travel somewhere besides DC & Chicago - love those places, but I also want to explore somewhere new (or revisit Toronto).
• see Wisco Gov. Scott Walker get recalled - that would be a happy day!
• increase social media knowledge - I'm a geek.  I like this stuff.
• engage in artistic endeavors - painting, photography, drawing....I need to be creative at home, even if I'm that way at work too (because it's a different type of creative).
• continue to promote rjl creative -  this will happen.  Although I'm toying with a name change to "marketing & design" or naming it after Caye with a % of the proceeds going to dog rescues, which leads to....
• become involved with APBT & AmStaff dog rescue/advocacy - if you've met Cayenne, you understand why.

A few less than last year but this year, most of these "wishes" are actually attainable (2010's playing the bass and world peace, not so much).  The "Words with Friends" one might be kind of tough - does anyone have a portable Scrabble dictionary I can borrow?

birfday musings

Well, another birfday (or burpday) has come and gone...it was a great one largely due to friends and family.

Thanks to:

• Mom for calling and singing
• Dad for calling and attempting to sing, and our 15 minute convo about good beer vs. skunky beer (in case you're wondering, Dad is not a fan of PBR but gives Lakefront's East Side Dark two thumbs up)
• Bro for calling, even though he reminded me I will always be older than him (gee, thanks..) but in retort, I don't look older than him
• Joe for calling from NYC...I miss my Joe-baby and yes, you are on my "visit list"
• Jen & Jeanette for bday lunches
• Joy for bday dinner and my fabulous college roomies for a Sunday funday at Ale House (how I've missed thee!)
• Sandbox Pimps for the bday cake & beer (better than it sounds...and the frosting was fantastic!) after vball
• SoBs for a Bradford Beach Sunday funday
• everyone who came out to Burnham Bowl on Friday for karaoke and assorted shenanigans
• all those who posted bday wishes on facebook (holy balls, there were quite a few...)
• Doug for the "ancient" surprise (even though I still question the validity of that clue) and always being there - I'm happy you're in my life :) (saving the best for last, of course)

And, believe it or not, I've actually made headway on my birthday wish list 2010. Who would have thunk it, right?

No, I haven't mastered the bass or lost 20 lbs in a month. However, I...

• have caught up with friends I haven't really seen in the past year, and I will stay in touch much better this year (keep me accountable for this, folks)
• promised Joe (NYC) and Dwayne (AZ) I'd visit them. I guess this means I'll do it, as I'm not one for breaking promises
• now am the proud owner the adapter so I can play my iPod in my car...and I love it (I mean, where else can I go from Billy Talent to Front 242 to Billy Joel?)
• contrived a financial plan to actually save money (I'll let you know how that goes)
• wrote to envelope to send in Kiwanis dues (baby steps, baby steps)

So yeah, I'm another year older...but honestly, I don't feel it or look it. As I embark on my last year of this decade, I'm hopeful and enthusiastic for what the upcoming year will bring. And y'all are welcome to come along for the ride...it looks to be a good one!

birthday wishes 2010

On Monday, it occurred to me that it was four weeks until my birthday. This usually begs the question: "What do you want for your birthday?"

As a kid, the list was long and plentiful. There were always toys, books and games (board and video) to be had. Even as a somewhat materialistic kid, I looked forward to my bday party with friends which started as a day at CJ Park and in later years evolved into slumber parties. And I'm sure an O's baseball game and apple pie (instead of cake) were involved somewhere. As an adult, it's a hard question to answer. If I want something like a book, I usually just buy it. If I want to see my friends, I just do - no birthday party needed. Now if I could just get my mom to send me apple pie...

Yes, the concept & celebration of birthdays do change as we get older but one thing remains the same - we all have birthday wishes. Each year, I have a friend who compiles her birthday wish list. Some of the items are material, some far-fetched, some realistic. Inspired by her, I have come up with my own birthday wish list for 2010:

• promote/develop my freelance design "business" (using that term loosely)
• a MacBook
• take more photographs (those of the artsy, landscape variety)
• learn to play bass
• catch up with friends I haven't seen much in the past year
• keep in touch with friends I actually see
• visit friends in faraway places - specifically those in Florida, Arizona and Connecticut - who I keep promising I'll visit
• teleportation to see said friends and my nephews more often
• travel internationally without my mom
• the adapter thingie that allows you to use your iPod in the car
• a Wii Fit
• lose that last 20 lbs
• manage my finances more effectively
• actually watch some shows I've DVRed
• become more involved with the K-Family again
• world peace (sorry I had to)
• instead of complaining about something, do something to change it

Is everything included on this list attainable? Doubtful...that's why it's a wish list. But I guess really don't need or want much of the materialistic this year. I've been fortunate, albeit too busy on occasion to do some of the things I'd like to do. Maybe the actual acknowledgement of those things in writing will inspire me to start on at least some of them.

As another birthday looms, I can't complain. I'm generally happy, relatively well-off in the grand scheme of things, loved by my family (for some reason) and surrounded by good people. A girl can't ask for much more than that.

♣ Lá Fhéile Pádraig Sona Daoibh! ♣

Or for those of you not versed in Gaelic - Happy St. Patrick's Day!

For many, this holiday is much like another New Year's Eve: the revelry, the camaraderie and oh, yes, the drinking. Many partake in these festivities whether or not they are Irish (hey, only some of us can be perfect the rest of the year) and everyone has a grand old time.

However, have you ever wondered about the history behind St. Patrick's Day celebrations and customs?

St. Patrick's Day began as a Catholic holiday and is actually an official feast day. Over the years, the holiday has evolved into one of secular nature and serves as a celebration of Irish heritage and culture.

St. Patrick's Day is in honor of St. Patrick (duh!), a native Brit who was kidnapped by the Irish and taken to Ireland as a slave. At some point, he fled from captivity and returned to Britain. Upon his return, he studied to be a priest and was "called" to Ireland to convert them. Thus, St. Patrick was responsible for introducing Catholicism to the Irish or as they say "chasing the snakes out of Ireland" (and you wondered how Lakefront Brewery came up with the name Snake Chaser for their tasty Irish Stout). According to folklore, he used the shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity (Father, Son & Holy Spirit). As a result, the shamrock continues to be a prominent of St. Patrick's Day celebrations today.

As the Irish immigrated to the USA, St. Patrick's Day observances moved from a religious to a political nature. The first known observance (known as a parade) was in Boston in 1737. Irish immigrant workers marched to make a political statement about how they were not happy with their low social status and their inability to obtain jobs in America. New York City began its observance of the holiday in 1766 with a parade (which started at a tavern) in protest of the unfair treatment of the Irish immigrants. NYC continues to have the largest parade and celebration of St. Patrick's Day outside of Ireland, and it is likely not political in nature. Almost 300 years later, most major cities with historical Irish ancestry also stage parades in celebration; Chicago even dyes the Chicago River green for the festivities.

Today, Saint Patrick's Day is widely celebrated in the US by bloody everyone (Irish or not) by the wearing green-colored clothing and accessories (i.e. boas, funky ass hats). Traditionally, those who are caught not wearing green are pinched affectionately. If you are pinched for not wearing green, you have my permission to kick them in the "lucky charms". If you are wearing a traditional kilt, you can pinch or kick anyone you want...and look authentic doing it (regardless of ancestry).

Another modern-day tradition includes hitting local pubs, taverns and bars (again, Irish or not...in reference to the watering hole and the revelers) at 6 am on St. Patrick's day for free swag and libations (which should include a shot of Jameson). And in the States you'll hear a lot of U2 played. At least in Toronto they'll also play the Cranberries, the Dropkick Murphys and Flogging Molly. "Drunken Lullabies" seems appropriate at about midnight on a day like this.

And why the green? The color originally associated with St. Patrick was blue. However, green is one of the colors on the Irish flag. And that little shamrock has something to do with it as well.

But please, don't drink the green beer. It's an abomination of the holiday. Really. Try a Guinness or Harp.

♣ Sláinte! ♣

trials and tribulations of a summer birthday

Seeing my birthday is 2 August (less than a week away), I figured it would be the appropriate time to explore the trials and tribulations of a being a summer baby.

As a kid, there took some planning (mostly by Mom) to ensure that my brother (DOB 25 July) and I had happy and fun birthday parties. This usually meant having a birthday party in mid-June or early September. Why? Most kids in my hometown either went to summer camp or on vacation...and in many cases both. For some reason, almost everyone was busy the last week of July and the first week of August. I'm certain that a number of my friends really thought my birthday was mid-June. Once I hit high school, then the celebrations actually occurred within a week of my birthday. It was quite the nice change.

Another disadvantage about having a summer birthday as a kid: I never got to bring treats in on said birthday and have the class sing "happy birthday" to me. Maybe I can be a bit of an attention whore at times (although this is totally acceptable behavior on one day of the year), but I was jealous. I wanted to be sung to. My family sang (or at least attempted) to me, but it's not quite the same. When I was 20, I finally experienced this piece of childhood. I was a camp counselor and one of the kids had the same birthday. One of the counselors found out so they sang to me as well. That was cool.

However, I thought the perils of summer birth would disappear with childhood. Oh, how wrong I was...

I thought in adulthood the summer vacation phenomenon wouldn't be a huge factor as you only get a couple weeks of vacay. This is and of itself is true. But another phenomenon has taken its place: reunions. Reunions of any sort. High school. College. Family. Apparently, the end of July/beginning of August are fabulous times for these celebrations. I'm not inclined to agree.

Despite my little tirade/temper tantrum/whatever you want to call it, I love that my birthday is in the summer. It's warm, usually sunny and people just seem to be more in the mood to celebrate. A celebration has never been cancelled due to a blizzard. There are more options for festivities - picnics, baseball games, etc. - if one so chooses. While in college, I ended up with multiple b-day celebrations: family, high school friends and college friend (upon return to campus in August). Talk about a trifecta. And yes, that meant I got not one, but two big 21st birthday celebrations. Additionally, my birthday's in early August so there are absolutely no significant holidays; ergo, no competition.

Maybe a summer birthday isn't so bad after all, not that I could change it. But if I had the opportunity, I don't think I would.

Cheers.