hope springs eternal

Easter was never really a big holiday in my family, In fact, last year was the first time I was home for Easter since my senior year in high school. 

Easter is a a time for hope and renewal, which usually coincides with the physical onset of spring. 

Easter was also the last holiday I saw Mom happy and healthy. Last year, I (as well as my family) really did have reasons for hope and celebration of life. Hope in that her tests all came back negative and the cancer had not spread. Mom looked  - and more importantly - felt healthy and her attitude was positive as ever. She was happy and was still able to live life to the fullest (with a couple rest stops along the way). We celebrated her health and happiness. It was a time of renewal as we all thought she had turned a corner and was going to continue the good fight. While her spirit was strong enough to do so, her body had been ravaged by the fight. And you know the how the story ends.  I am extremely thankful I made the trip home last Easter, as I got to see Mom as Mom one last time. 

However, Mom has never left us. Her spirit lives on, and I especially feel it during spring. Mom loved flowers and the color yellow. Daffodils are among the first flowers to bloom, signalling the onset of spring. It takes me back to Easter as a kid - daffodils in bloom along the front walk, wearing a frilly dress I did not pick out, and hunting for Easter eggs. It was a simpler, carefree time.

On Saturday I was at the store and I noticed a bunch of daffodils in the floral department. I'm not one to buy myself flowers, but I was drawn to them. And really, there was no way I couldn't get them.

Those daffodils now sit in a mason jar on my coffee table. And while nothing can bring Mom back, I can always bring a little reminder of her spirit home.

words of remembrance

Christmas was always Mom's holiday. I'm not sure what the holidays in Maryland will hold this year; but I know there will be a void and heavy hearts for all of us. The key is to cherish the memories and the good times (whilst sipping some Bailey's on the rocks.)

Having said that, I finally feel ready to share the words of remembrance from August...

Well, first everyone had a role in the past two years. Dad took care of the logistics and took mom to her bi-weekly appointments. Chris took Mom to CT scans and translated the medical-ease for those less savvy such as Dad and myself.  And then there’s me, who took it upon herself to be comic relief by default.  So if I make a fool of myself up here, it’s par for the course.

Case in point…at Mom’s CT scan in April, the director of oncology at Johns Hopkins said “Kids, your mom is one tough cookie”  and I immediately responded “That’s because she’s German.” Laughter briefly ensues. Not that Germans are strong-willed or stubborn at all. But while Mom and I were never truly at odds, we sometimes had a difference in opinion on the ways in which to do things (again, not German related or the previously mentioned fact I take after my dad’s side of the family). The most recent example came last Sunday, when our difference in cleaning styles – or my lack thereof – came to light. I was helping to vacuum, and mom informed me when I missed a spot (more than once, mind you). Part of me was incredulous that this was happening, but mostly I was smiling because that was Mom. I just hope she is not looking at my apartment right now…

I started really bonding with Mom went I went away to Marquette for college (absence makes the heart grow fonder right?).  Maybe it was the weekly phone calls; maybe it was that I started to think of mom as more than a mom, but a friend. We talked about everything from relationships to sports. Actually, a lot about sports, mostly football and NCAA basketball. Of course, I couldn’t have the Vikings as my 2^nd team, so I chose the rival Bears – also Dad’s team. But the NCAA tourney was our bread and butter – Mom groomed me as a bracketologist from the tender age of ten. And every year, we’d discuss our picks in depth after the selection show. I think my bracket only beat hers five times, but under her tutelage, I’ve been quite fortuitous in other pools. Those weekly phone calls continued until three weeks ago – her very last phone call to me was to wish me a happy birthday. 

Our bond really grew stronger during our three trips together (Baltic cruise 2006, Greece 2008, Spain 2010). And it is true that you don’t really get to know someone until you travel with them, or if you prep for travel with them. I did mention differences right? Mom started packing two weeks before each trip; I packed the night before each trip. Mom could not stand that, yet I was the one who never forgot anything. Mom couldn’t sleep on the plane; I fell asleep in the States and woke up in Europe. Some of my fondest (and funniest) memories of Mom happened on these excursions. During the Baltic cruise, I introduced Mom to karaoke for the first time. After every performance, she retorted “I used to like that song”. We also enjoyed Baileys on the balcony (which Mom smuggled on the ship). In Greece, whilst admiring the beauty of the Aegean Sea, Mom accidently dropped her digital camera into it. In Costa del Sol, Mom and I shared cheese and wine on the balcony – which was probably the best conversation I ever had with Mom. In Madrid, whilst dining with a bullfight on the tele in the background, Mom loudly was cheering for the bull. Thankfully, the people in the restaurant did not speak English. 

All kidding aside, Mom and I shared a love of photography, history and travel…so these excursions were a perfect combination. Although our styles were definitely different.  Mom was determined to get the exact name of every building, historical site, ruin, etc.; I also did to an extent, but also took picture of random people, dogs, alleys, etc. to get a feel of the culture. Mom undeniably looked like a tourist from the States; I passed for British…in fact, there were times where folks in our tour group in Spain asked if we were really related at first.  Then they started talking to us and realized that yes, yes we are related…because of our smiles and positive outlook on life.

I thought about that observation…and soon realized that the first things people notice about me are my positive attitude and smile (and yes, Dad I know you paid for my smile) – traits I definitely inherited from Mom. While Mom was slightly more subdued than I, one could tell that she could find the good in most things and enjoy life to the fullest. There was always some fiber of her being that believed that she would overcome this hurdle – as I (and everyone else) were also hoping and praying for the very same outcome. Even the last time I saw Mom, when she smiled she could still light up a room. 

However, it was that positive attitude (and stubbornness, hmm…strength) that helped Mom defy the odds. Mom fought this disease with more grace, courage, determination and positivity anyone could have imagined; in the future, I can only hope to face any adversity the same as she did.

Mom, you will never be forgotten and will always be in my heart – and I couldn’t have asked for a better mother. I love you…

ten months later...geesh...

Wow...it's been a hell of a long time since I've written here. Nearly a ten month long time. Apparently life happens, as it would seem.

It seems pointless to provide an update from the last post. Did I follow through on them? Yes for some, but in ten months things change. Besides, there were really only two things I wanted in 2013: to find full-time employment and to have Mom continue to fight her battle with pancreatic cancer.

Well, one of two ain't bad. But to be honest, I'd rather be unemployed and  have Mom still with us on this earth.

i interrupt your christmas cheer...

The holidays are usually "a time for joy, a time for cheer" - but the recent events in Connecticut have put a somber curtain on the season and have many of us (further) questioning our own mortality.

A good friend and I have discussed this issue more often than I wish to admit, largely because both of our mothers are battling the same disease.  While it's a comfort to know that someone is going through the same wave of emotions, at the same time you wish this wasn't one of the bonds you were sharing. Then last night, his 31-year cousin unexpectedly passed away leaving behind two young children.

Death - even if it is inevitable - is sad and difficult. Period. Perhaps more so when it's unexpected. My friend and I discussed that notion last night. To reminiscence, I was very saddened by the passing of my granddad and both my grandmothers. However, I had mentally/emotionally come to terms with my grandmothers as their health was failing for quite some time. With my granddad, it was a shock - and while he was no more or less important - it weighed heavier on my heart because it hit like a ton of bricks.  But regardless of how many brushes with death one may have had, it still isn't easy.

I know both of us are ready (or as ready as one can be) for the passing of our mothers. However, no matter how prepared I may be, it still will be difficult as one of the most important people in my life will no longer be of this earth - but I know a part of her will always remain with me.

So this Christmas season, remember the good times and make new memories. Cherish times with family and friends.

You may now return to your Christmas cheer....and I'll join you.

alfie, the christmas tree

the holiday season is the one time of year I turn into a pseudo-sap and can get somewhat emotional. Christmas was - and still is - my favorite holiday. and while this Christmas may be bittersweet for obvious reasons, I'm fortunate enough to have Christmas memories and traditions to last my lifetime.

one of these traditions is the almost constant playing of John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together CD. I'm really not sure how it came about, but to me Christmas isn't complete without it.  my favorite song on the CD has always been Alfie, The Christmas Tree (and much to the chagrin of everyone, I can still recite the whole song). 

to me, it simply yet eloquently states the "reason for the season"....




Did you ever hear the story of the Christmas Tree
who just didn't want to change the show?
He liked living in the woods and playing with squirrels, he liked icicles and snow.

He liked wolves and eagles and grizzly bears
and critters and creatures that crawled.
Why bugs were some of his very best friends, spiders and ants and all.

Now that's not to say that he ever looked down on the vision of twinkling lights,
or on mirrored bubbles and peppermint canes and a thousand other delights.
And he often had dreams of tiny reindeer
and a jolly old man and a sleigh full of toys and presents and wonderful things,
and the story of Christmas Day.

Oh, Alfie believed in Christmas all right, he was full of Christmas cheer.
All of each and every day and all throughout the year.
To him it was more than a special time much more than a special day,
It was more than a beautiful story. it was a special kind of way.

You see, some folks have never heard a jingle bell ring,
And they've never heard of Santa Claus.
They've never heard the story of the Son of God. And that made Alfie pause.

Did that mean that they'd never know of peace on earth
or the brotherhood of man?
Or know how to love, or know how to give? If they can't, no one can.

You see, life is a very special kind of thing, not just for a chosen few.
But for each and every living breathing thing. Not just me and you.

So in your Christmas prayers this year, Alfie asked me if I'd ask you
to say a prayer for the wind, and the water, and the wood
and those who live there, too.

foot fracture...could be worse...

das boot with das bier

For anyone who knows me, it shouldn't come as a shock that I tend to injure myself now and then...ok, that might be an understatement. And in fine fashion, I decided it would be a good idea to fracture my foot whilst running earlier this month. (note to self: re-evaluate the run a 5K goal)

I'm no stranger to visiting the orthopedic section at any medical facility.  Having knee issues since I was in my early teens,  I've become well-versed (for a non-medical professional) in physical therapy, x-rays, MRIs and orthopedic devices.  In my life I've managed to accumulate a variety of assistive walking devices and immobilizers, as well knee and ankle braces - now add "das boot" (aka walking cast) to collection.

As with anything, I try to put a positive and humorous spin on it. Case in point: last Friday I had an appointment with same doctor that did my knee surgery almost three years ago, basically to confirm the inevitable diagnosis of a fracture. Apparently the doctor and the physician's assistant remembered me, so I told them I missed them and wanted to visit. It also helps that said physician's assistant is hot (and how did I not notice this during treatment for my knee?)

fun with friends

Sometimes my "determination" will overtake my otherwise positive outlook. While with friends, I can joke about the fact my foot looks like that of a Stormtrooper or Moon Man. Or that if someone annoys us, I'll give them das boot in das ass. But once I try to get up and do something, such as get a chair to prop up my foot or go buy by own beer, no one lets me get up.  They insist on doing it for me.  While I greatly appreciate the gesture as I know they do it because they care, but I'm of the mindset I can do still do things myself.  Oh, and I might be a bit stubborn.

This not being able to do things is frustrating beyond belief.  I like playing volleyball and my "running" club, and I miss the daily 2.5 mile walk with the pup. And being a beerleader at vball can only do so much.. It is incredibly hard to sit and "do nothing", especially when it's not in my nature. Yes, I know it's for my own good and that's required for healing, but dammit, it's hard!  (another note to self: use this "down" time to work on creative pursuits)

It's enough to drive me bat-shit crazy - and thankfully I have friends who will accommodate plans to work around my gimpiness.  And it could be worse...

As frustrating (in my mind) as a fractured foot is, in 2-3 months I'll be good as new and back to my active self (and hopefully not finding a new way to injure myself). But the ordeal - no matter how minor or insignificant - will be over.   

And I know I'm lucky health wise (some would argue, but injury-prone is different than health issues) amongst people I know. I don't have chronic allergies or asthma. I only take one medication daily, and that's by choice. I don't have any heart ailments or abnormalities. I don't have cancer.

mom & i at plaza de espana

Then I think of Mom - and all the chemo, radiation, procedures and medication she has gone through in the past 13 months for treatment of pancreatic cancer. If she can courageously put her body, mind and spirit through all that AND still maintain a level of optimism, surely I can walk around in das boot for a couple more weeks with minimal bitching. 

And then when I'm out das boot, maybe we can use it to kick cancer's ass.

"celebrating" one year...

mom & i in greece, 2008

It was a year and 11 days ago Sunday (19 August) that Mom found out her diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.  I found out a day later.  I don't think any of us knew what to expect, and to some degree, we still don't.

I went home for a week in mid-August to spend time with family which was much needed. I was mentally and emotionally prepared to see Mom without her wig, and it only freaked me out because she looked exactly like her mother (genetics, I tell ya). However, with the wig, you'd never know anything was wrong with her.  Fortunately, the chemo does not hinder her from doing daily activities or excursions (such as an Orioles game until 1 am) - but she does tire easily.  Again,if this is one of the only side effects, it's a win in my book.

I also had the opportunity to take her to her chemo appointment at Johns Hopkins during my visit. It was something I knew I had to do, and something I wanted to do - even with my dislike of hospitals (probably because I've been in too many of them). The appointment takes a full day; I really thought Dad was kidding about that.  However, after meeting Shawna (Mom's nurse) and other staff, I'm assured that she is in excellent hands.  Since I had plenty of time to sit and wait, I realized how well-off Mom is compared to other patients. Mom went up to register herself, didn't have a walker and doesn't have to wear a surgical mask (the germ factor). I was also shocked to see how young (and worse-off than Mom) some of the patients where - I'm sure about 33% where younger than me.  I came away appreciating my own health and in the grand scheme, allergies and crappy knees really aren't that big of a deal.

This has also been a learning experience.  I - along with my family - have researched pancreatic cancer extensively.  I won't talk about the statistics, as they are not uplifting by any means. Sadly, I've had three friends lose a parent to this disease; and Mom has survived longer than any of them.  The only good thing (if any) about that is that I have support from friends who know EXACTLY what is going on. But knowing is half the battle (thank you GI Joe) - the other is imparting that knowledge. I educate anyone who will listen - whether they want to hear about it or not.  The more who know, the more we can continue the fight.

Finally, this journey has made me fully aware of the power of the human psyche.  Attitude and the mind from which it springs is the biggest, baddest, and best weapon we have against this bitch of a disease. It's all about perspective - being angry or upset isn't going to help anyone at this point. Hope and strength will.

I have always said (and likely always will say) that I can only hope to handle whatever life throws at me with half the grace, courage and positivity Mom has exhibited in the past year. She truly is an inspiration to us all. 

for more information or to donate, check out the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network

orioles baseball, i missed you

I remember going to my first baseball game with my granddad, dad and brother when I was a couple months shy of seven years old. (note: I had the choice of the baseball game or my aunt's bridal shower.  Years later, given the same choice, I'd still pick the game). 

And that's how I got hooked on baseball.

Back then, my beloved Orioles played at Memorial Stadium - a great park but in a shitty area of "Balmer". Getting there was always an experience (I liken it to N. 27th St. & W. Fond du Lac in Milwaukee). We'd always go to at least couple games a year, and since my grandparents lived across the street from the play-by-play announcer, we'd always get some swag. In fact, I still have my stuffed Oriole bird. 

The Orioles moved to Oriole Park at Camden Yards (aka "Birdland") in 1991, and since I've lived out of state most of that time, I haven't been there often. Earlier this month, I finally got to return Camden Yards after a ten-year hiatus and finally saw a game...after a three-hour rain delay.

What else do you do at a ballpark waiting for the rain to subside? Talk Oriole baseball, and those memories came flooding back (pun intended).  Rick Dempsey using the tarp as a slip-n-slide during rain delays.  Earl "of Baltimore" Weaver throwing second base whilst in a argument with the umpire. Celebrity crushing on Jim Palmer (even to this day). Chants of "Eddie! Eddie!" whenever Eddie Murray came to bat. Anything involving Cal Ripken, Jr.

By coincidence, it was a "Legends" night. Eddie Murray's statue was unveiled at the ballpark, and each aforementioned Oriole was in attendance.  And for the first time in over a decade, chants of "Eddie! Eddie!" rang through Camden Yards.

And even if for a few moments, I was a kid at the ballpark in awe of America's pastime. 

2012 birthday wishes

oh, 2012...how you move so quickly. 2011 tested me quite a bit - and although I survived, I probably could have handled some situations better. 

ergo, most of these year's wishes focus on me and what I can do to better myself, my relationships and perhaps society as a whole (if only for a few hours).

2012 birthday wishes (in no particular order):

• successfully complete a 5k - about seven years ago, I actually embarked training for a marathon (stop laughing) but I changed careers and stopped. despite my knees, I could do this.
• continue to be physically active - ideally, I'd like to do something "active" (read: swimming, hitting the gym, hashing, yoga/pilates) five times/week. if that three-week boot camp in September doesn't kill me first...
  
• explore more in the culinary world - ok, I am a good cook (something my dad apparently "knew"?) and I finally enjoy it. but I'd like to learn how to cook Thai food and take some classes.  I love chicken & veggies, but a girl needs variety.
• continue the "no soda" quest - I've been soda-free since 4 June 2012 (thankfully there's La Croix and tonic water). and honestly, I haven't even craved one since.
• increase social media knowledge/promote rjl creative -  I decided to combine these two this year.  I may even slightly change the direction (and potentially the name) of rjl creative to more of an SoLoMo focus, while keeping the design aspect secondary.  I love design, but the future is SoLoMo - and sadly, pretty isn't as important in that arena (but dammit, my stuff will be pretty AND functional!)
  
• continue to engage in artistic endeavors - this might be a little easier as the focus of my paying job is evolving (more online, less design). I would like to do picture journaling more frequently (read: more than once every two years) and perhaps will revisit "The Artist's Way".
• get my bartending license - I just always wanted to do this, for no particular reason.
• become involved in causes I believe in (namely Pancreatic cancer and APBT/AmStaff groups) - since I was so stellar with this last year (sans the PanCan walk),  it's really something I need to make time for this year. if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem
• visit at least two of the remaining 11 states I haven't yet - in a nutshell, I'm either going west or south. 
• organize my finances - this will be hard. I like spending and not saving, unless I'm saving for something (see above bullet).
• figure out this whole "relationship" thing - thing about these things...they are work. plus, when there are possibilities - including one from complete left field that throws a wrench in it all - it makes it that much more difficult/interesting/<insert word here>...
• cherish the time with friends & family - life is short (something that came to realization about a year ago). make time for those you care about.  remember, it's not what you do it's who you're with.
• be thankful/grateful for the things I have, rather than lamenting about what I don't have - this will likely be the hardest. human nature is to want what we don't or can't have (myself included) and all that does is sabotage us.  time to practice an "attitude of gratitude".

go on living, always keep on breathin'

from the mouth of memory, you give back yourself

~ the gufs

2011 birthday wishes (in review)

In a few short days, my (undisclosed age here) "year" will come to an end. It's been an interesting year to say the least, and despite that, I think I actually achieved some things on this list.  Yes, you should be as shocked as I am...

2011 Birthday Wishes (original):

• procure a MacBook (fail) - I could get a red Dell.  or a pink one. or design my own. yes, I think I've given up on this. 
• amp up physical activity (success) - the bike still needs a tune-up. however, I have been walking/jogging with the Badgerland Striders and I did join a gym...with a pool!  that'll be useful for the possible return to "death by tri".  otherwise, I'll just try to emulate Dana Vollmer (USA, WR holder in the 100m fly)
• try to eat better (even) - I'm blaming beer, and those damn cheese balls.
• attempt to be culinary (success) - people have actually asked me for recipes.  I don't know how the hell that happened.
• embrace my curls (even) - I straightened it today as I renewed my DL (it should have been a curly day).  I've gotten WAY better, yet not a full embrace yet.
• beat my brother in "Words with Friends" (success) - 13 August bitches!  I don't think my bro plays this anymore but I still won a game, dammit!
• travel somewhere besides DC & Chicago (success) - I'm calling this a success loosely.  I did go to St. Louis and Ohio...not exotic but elsewhere none the less.
• see Wisco Gov. Scott Walker get recalled (fail) - I voted to get the douche out of office! but damn that "instilling the fear of God in people" campaign tactic.
• increase social media knowledge (even) - a few weeks ago, this would have been a success, then I went to a SoLoMo seminar, and I don't know jack. sadly, I do know more than the average person despite not knowing jack
• engage in artistic endeavors (success) - I've painted wine bottles, taken artsy photos (soon coming to a canvas near you)...looking to do more.
• continue to promote rjl creative (even) -  still promoting and the HAHS annual fundraiser logo was pretty cool. but beyond that not much.
• become involved with APBT & AmStaff dog rescue/advocacy (fail) -  Caye is a great ambassdog and speaks for the breed beautifully. still. must.go.to.an.event.
• that my mom wins her battle with pancreatic cancer (success) - well, I can't really do a success/fail on this in the truest form, but I'll call it success. she hasn't beaten it yet, but the tumor has shrunk by 50% and chemo is down to every other week. go Mom!

Real exciting, I know.  Stay tuned, the 2012 "wishes" will be up in a few days....

being thankful (i don't care if it's the "wrong" month)...

It's amazing how much growing up (even at my age) that one can do in a week...

We like to think our personal problems are the most important in the world (and if you say you've never done this, you're lying).  These problems could include a co-worker you want to punch in the face, feeling left out by a group of friends, attempting to interpret whether there's more than friendship with certain males....you get the picture.  For better or worse,  these problems tend to consume us, as petty as they might be in the grand scheme. 

And that grand scheme hit like a ton of bricks (both bad and good) in the past week...

the bad (because it's better to start with the bad and end on a high note)...

On Tuesday prior to volleyball, I was kind of bummed that I wasn't going to the Cubs/Brewers game and made mention of it to a couple teammates (who knew the underlying reason why). After telling me to shut up and have fun, it ended up being a good night with friends.  

The next morning, I check my Twitter account (per usual) and see a tweet from DS about "a terrible wreck".  "WTF?" was my exact tweet back.  Turns out, the shuttle transporting my friends home from said baseball game got broadsided by a car.  One of the guys (MK) was thrown out the door and was "beaten up" - more precisely, a broken collarbone and a few broken ribs. Fuck...

the good...

Since Mom's diagnosis in August, I try to talk to her at least twice per week (although right now I'm failing miserably at this).  We usually talk about her treatment, along with the sports page.  Overall she's in good spirits, but every once in a while she'll complain about side effects - mostly being tired & run-down - which is to be expected.

On Sunday, I talked to Mom (per usual).  I was excited to share with her that I met an 18-year survivor of pancreatic cancer while at the PurpleStride Milwaukee event. (note: the average life span after diagnosis is 14 months, so 18 years is f-ing amazing) But Mom had fabulous news of her own....her tumor shrunk by 50%!!!!!  This not only means the chemo is working, but the treatments will now be less frequent and evasive. Woot!

In comparison, yes, my problems are trivial. I'm not lying in a hospital bed in pain. I'm not fighting the battle of my life against a deadly disease. I'm not living in a country were even my basic needs are compromised.  Again, you get the point...

As a society we tend to focus on the bad and what we don't have, rather than be grateful for the good and what we do have (myself included). And I know I really need to stop doing this and think about how lucky I really am. 

Thus, I'm thankful...

• that MK's injuries weren't more severe (and wish him a speedy recovery) and that everyone else came away relatively unscathed
• for the medical advances in cancer research, giving all of us hope
• that Mom is at Johns freakin' Hopkins and is receiving among the best care in the nation; as well as Mom continuing to handle herself with positivity, grace and resiliency 
• the above mentioned traits may have been passed down to me (at least in some capacity) 
• for the health, happiness and well-being (generally speaking) of my friends and family
• for my immediate family - their love, their support, the knowledge they'll always be there even across the miles
• for the unending support of my friends (both old and new) - the past ten months would have been hellish without all of them, and their friendships mean more than they know

Life is too short already.  Take the time to be thankful for and savor all the good things.

for mom...

My mother taught me about the power of inspiration and courage, 

and she did it with a strength and a passion that I wish could be bottled.  

~ Carly Fiorina 

Although some people wouldn't believe it now, I wasn't too fond of my mother as a teenager.  Granted, no one really is, but I was truly convinced my mother was related to Satan. Even when I went to college, I recall hanging up on my mother more than once (and my dad calling back). It's not that my mom was a bad person. I'm just an optimist and she's what I would call critical. We just had different ways of seeing things and combined with our stubbornness, it just didn't mesh well.

After college graduation, my mom and didn't always see eye to eye, but we garnered a mutual respect. Through the years, the relationship with my mom has blossomed into a  good one. Years ago, no one (family included) could imagine that we could go on one - let alone three - two week vacations together. Yes, we did get on each others nerves once in a while - but no one got thrown off a balcony or anything. And I discovered we both share a hobby of photography and the pursuit of that perfect shot. I cherish the memories and time I spent with Mom on those trips, and hope to venture to Alaska in 2013.

This is poignant as Mom was diagnosed with cancer in August 2012.  I have always thought my mom to be "a strong, stubborn German woman" - much like my grandmother - but with a caring, compassionate side.  I figure if anyone is going to fight this disease - it's her.  And I truly believe she can...and will.  

I've said this before, but I am still in awe of how Mom has handled everything.  While I was going to through my divorce, my dad told me "Your mother and I raised you kids to be strong, independent and able to handle anything thrown at you".  Little did I expect that  we'd have to deal with something like this thrown at us.  But dammit, that phrase is true - and I see we got a lot of that resiliency from Mom. Her persistence actually prompted the doctors to perform more invasive tests - which lead to diagnosis.  I firmly believe that, because of this, her treatment is going well as they caught it early enough. However,  It is debatable whether my trait of persistence has served me well - I guess it depends what side you're on.

But I am most in awe of her positive spirit (and not just because she's "a realist" - her term for it). I for one would be scared shitless and probably be dropping f-bombs if it were me.  Granted, I have done both in the past nine months (mostly with close friends), but I feel I need to be strong for Mom (and provide the comic relief).  Despite all the poking, prodding, chemically infused things going into her body - she is happy and living each day to the fullest.  I figure you can let the diagnosis kick your butt, or attempt to kick the butt of the diagnosis.  The latter seems to suit  Mom better - and her daughter is always up for some butt-kicking as well, although I may be a bit more obvious and verbal about it.

Mom is someone I have grown respect and admire, and most importantly, someone I couldn't imagine life without - and hope not to have to experience that anytime soon. I can only hope to exhibit half the grace, poise, courage and positive attitude as she has in the past nine months - in any situation.

So on this Mother's Day...it really is all about Mom.  If your mom is no longer with us, remember the good times and cherish the memories.  If your mom is indeed alive, take her out to lunch or a movie (or a botanical garden) - or if there are miles between you, at least call her.  After all, you only get one mother.

♥  Thanks Mom, for all you've instilled and given me...love you! ♥

nine months (no...not that!)

It's that time again...time for the quarterly re-visit of my 2011 Birthday Wishes (and I've even hit the date spot on!).  Besides, I know y'all are anxiously awaiting the update (ha ha...yeah right...)

2011 Birthday Wishes (original):

• procure a MacBook - maybe I should just give up on this one and buy a new Dell (even though I really want a MacBook) - the Dell is cheaper and has the same crap. 
• amp up physical activity - well, I've done a couple yoga classes and have procured a bicycle (now just to get it a tune-up and new tires).  I've done two walk/runs for charity, with a third one on 2 June.plus, I think I'm doing "death by tri" this year. and I may have been talked into doing something crazy in Vegas in December.
• try to eat better - this would be easier without the invention of cheese balls.
• attempt to be culinary - I have more than attempted...I have succeeded! from greek pasta to chicken/broccoli/cheese casserole, I have done it.  and it's been pretty darn tasty! (and surprisingly healthy)
• embrace my curls - hmmm, my hair is currently staging a coup and wants to be straight. that's ok, once the humidity kicks up the curls will be back as they are today.  the biggest dilemma is what color to dye it.
• beat my brother in "Words with Friends" - 13 August bitches!  I don't think my bro plays this anymore - something about caring for a four and two year old - but I still won a game, dammit!
• travel somewhere besides DC & Chicago - I went to St. Louis in March! oh yeah, Madison & Chicago...again.  rumor has it I may be in Ohio in May...
• see Wisco Gov. Scott Walker get recalled - recall primary 8 May, recall election 5 June...let's get the douchebag out of office!
• increase social media knowledge - I continue to read up on trends and increase my employers presence on the interwebs.  go me.
• engage in artistic endeavors - I've painted a couple wine bottles...here's one of them. and I think I might put some of my photos on canvas. and maybe stop taking pics of my pup, but he's so dang cute.
• continue to promote rjl creative -  still promoting.  did get a freelance job for an insurance agency. but even cooler, I've designed the logo/collaterals for the HAHS annual fundraiser.
• become involved with APBT & AmStaff dog rescue/advocacy -  Caye is a great ambassdog and speaks for the breed beautifully. still. must.go.to.an.event.
• that my mom wins her battle with pancreatic cancer - she is responding to chemo well and continues to be in good spirits.  if anyone wonders where I get my strength and resiliency from, it's from mom. and I wouldn't trade that for the world. this is also the third charity walk, but the only one for which I'm accepting donations. (shameless plug, I know.  I don't care either...it's a good cause).

six months in...

I always thought it was cool that my 1/2 birthday fell on Groundhog Day.  This year, Punxsutawney Phil said there would be six more weeks of winter, while Jimmy in Sun Prairie (WI) said it would be an early spring. I'm going with Jimmy because I like his prediction better.  

Since it IS my 1/2 birthday, it's also that time to revisit the good 'ol birthday wishes...and see if any of them actually came true. 

 

2011 Birthday Wishes (original):

• procure a MacBook - yes, I asked for one for Christmas.  no, I did not get one. tax money is going to other crap. ugh. 
• amp up physical activity - a friend and I have talked about going to yoga classes - and we downloaded the schedule...now we just need to actually go.  I'm still considering purchasing a bike (Rob would be so proud). and I've signed up for a couple fun runs for charity already.  perhaps I will be ready for the Dirty Girl Mud Run in August?  
• try to eat better - it's a good theory, if only I could really put it into practice.  the holidays killed me, but I'm hoping to get back on track.
• attempt to be culinary - ha ha ha ha.  I still define cooking as "empty contents of package into bowl, add water and microwave for five minutes". but pinning recipes to pinterest counts right?
• embrace my curls - my hair is still short.  as long as it's in this style, curls will not be embraced.  however, if I grow it out for summer, this can be revisited.
• beat my brother in "Words with Friends" - 13 August bitches!  sad part is I haven't won since...but we haven't really played either.  this is to my advantage, really.
• travel somewhere besides DC & Chicago - Madison once (but it's still in Wisco).  however, I'm going to St. Louis in March...yippee!!!  and maybe NOLA in June.
• see Wisco Gov. Scott Walker get recalled - signatures have been collected - over one million - so I guess that makes me one in a million :).  currently they're being analyzed and then we can oust the douchebag out of office (not that I have an opinion about it...)
• increase social media knowledge - pinterest and instagram ARE social media tools.  seriously, I've continue to read up on trends and increase my employers presence on the interwebs.  go me.
• engage in artistic endeavors - I did not tile my "east side special" coffee table...but I did this instead. plus, I have a few cool ideas for those wine bottles I now have, and the blank wall by the tv, and....
• continue to promote rjl creative -  still promoting.  still getting little jobs here and there.  I'd have more time for this if I wasn't actively looking for another full-time job in the process.
• become involved with APBT & AmStaff dog rescue/advocacy - I know when events are (3rd Annual Bully Bash is 30 March) . must.go.to.an.event.
• that my mom wins her battle with pancreatic cancer - mom is on an aggressive chemo schedule now :(  however, she remains in good spirits and is resilient as ever (amazingly). 

from home to home and back...

this past holiday week, I made the 12.5 hour (25 hours round trip) trek from Milwaukee to Potomac and back.  that's quite a lot of time in a vehicle alone, and thus my mind decided to wander.  below are some observations from the road and my visit, complete with the quirky randomness I so enjoy...

• the Chicago skyline is awesome regardless of the time of day (or night)
• Gary, Indiana is still a stinkhole
• "Killing an Arab" by the Cure will likely never be heard on US radio (or radio in general) again, but it will on my iPod 
• the "mountains" of Pennsylvania seemed way more daunting when I was six.  I'm sure they're not "mountains" in the true sense
• even though i can make the dish myself, Mom's mac-n-cheese tastes way better when she makes it
• one can never listen to the John Denver & the Muppets Christmas CD enough 
• my nephews are still freakin' cute

• Gavin is my brother's mini-me.  Liam, on the other hand, has channeled is auntie as a two (and three) year old.  I've already apologized for this
• a four year old boy and truly move at the speed of light to avoid "Santa"
• "Santa" was cool as a kid because he brought toys.  he's even cooler as an adult because now he brings bottles of rum
• watching "A Christmas Story" with Mom (while drinking Bailey's) every year never gets old
• screw a white Christmas.  I'll take a 50 degree green Christmas anyday...
• my aunt called me "cutie".  maybe one day it will resonate (I still maintain that tall, linebacker-built people like myself cannot be "cute")
• within a period of two years, I have become taller than my uncle
• compliments are great, especially when they come from unlikely sources
• there is such a thing as "bad" stuffing and "too sweet" sweet potatoes
• the Loss clan is apparently overwhelming even if you're dealt with them for 45 years
• my brother is way more like our dad than he'd care to admit
• in a room full of trains designed to mesmerize children and enthusiasts alike, I find the Cerberus (three-headed dog) train and a sign that reads "No Humping"
• my legs are freakishly short for my height
• Jim Vance is the shit.  I'd have a beer with him
• Mom and I don't like shopping, but we sure love Target 
• despite not living in the area, I still drive like a native Washingtonian and have a pronounced Maryland "o"
• it's still weird for me to see Ravens jerseys all across Maryland.  growing up it was still Redskins country
• Tilted Kilt is better than Hooters.  yes I wrote that
• the only way I'd be able to fit into a Tilted Kilt "uniform" is if I didn't eat for five months.  that's not gonna happen
• my dad asked me how much air I liked in my tires (prior to getting it checked before my return trip).  I almost responded "I like my tires like my men...hard".  parental filter success
• it is possible for a cute, little Scottie to be incredibly annoying.  ask Caye
• Maryland crab cakes are the shit
• it's ok for Rutgers to upset #10 Kansas, but NOT ok for Vandy to upset #13 Marquette in the same evening
• watching Marquette games with Mom rarely turns out favorably
• Mom sent me home with over three dozen cookies.  if she only knew...
• my iPod has a thing for Erasure
• Bryan Adams is still great driving music.  so is Chicago...this chick digs Cetera
• stupid drivers are bred everywhere...slower traffic keep right and pass on the left...fucktards
• it is still necessary to "salute" any billboard promoting Indiana University.  especially if it involves men's basketball (here's why)
• the College Football Hall of Fame is in South Bend...who knew?
• if Newark, New Jersey is the armpit of the USA, then Gary, Indiana is the bunghole
• Chicago rush hour sucks.  Tastykakes made it a little better
• it is possible for a dog to stay awake the duration of a road trip 
• I am incredibly lucky to have fabulous friends and family in my life
• Mom is a truly amazing woman.  I could only hope to handle myself with such positivity, poise and grace as she has
• I am unfortunate enough to have two places I can call home

christmas time

there's something about christmas time

that makes your wish it was christmas every day

to see the joy in the children's eyes

the way that the old folks smile

says that christmas will never go away

~ bryan adams, christmas time

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday (well, aside from my birthday - but one could argue that is not a holiday).  The way Mom decorates the house at Christmas, the various aromas of sweet goodies (especially my toffee), visiting with the extended fam (as it's the only time of year I usually see them), playing with my nephews (who are adorable and rock my world)....the list goes on.  There is just something warm and fuzzy about Christmas.  

I will be going back to DC/MD/VA for Christmas this year.  While the warm fuzzies will be there, I can't help to think that this year Christmas will be different yet special.

This year I'll be embarking on a journey I've never done - driving home by myself.   Just me, a Cayenne, 1500 songs on the iPod, 12 hours, six states and 700 miles of highway.  And yes, I know not to stop at the Hardee's on the Ohio Turnpike.  It also marks Cayenne's inaugural trip to the east coast - believe it or not.  I'm sure he'll be entertained by Gus, Mom's errant 1.5 year old Scottie. 

I'll also be at home for a week - something I haven't done this millennium.  Mainly this has been due to lack of PTO (paid time off), lack of a dogsitter, and monetary restraints (dogsitting ain't cheap...neither is airfare).  This year I have the time saved up and driving is cheaper in the long run.  However, there is really only one major reason I'm going for a week this year:  Mom.

As many know, my Mom is battling pancreatic cancer.  On Tuesday, we found out her tumor is currently inoperable (as it's entwined in the artery)...not the Christmas present any of us wanted.  So Mom gets eight weeks of aggressive chemo as a gift....although the docs are hopeful this will shrink the tumor and open the possibility to remove it.  We've all been practicing the same mantra:  hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.  The best gift ever would be successful chemo, tumor removal and remission - even if that would happen a few months late.

Part of the harsh reality is this could be Mom's last Christmas - although I have faith in the doctors/health care professionals at Johns Hopkins, plus Mom's own resilience and positive attitude,  that it won't be. Call it being stubborn or being an eternal optimistic (or a little of both), but Mom will be around for more Christmases and birthdays. Regardless, this will be a special Christmas.

So this holiday season enjoy time with friends, family and loved ones.  Tell them you love them, enjoy their friendship, what have you.  If you've had a falling out with a friends, make amends.  

Life is too short not to cherish it, so savor every moment and make it count. 

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

big foot

As a child, I remember my brother and I making fun of the shoes Dad wore.  I must clarify here.  Dad rarely ever had "normal" gym shoes (read: white or black colored).  No, they always seemed to be some hideous green (and I like green) or a blue/yellow combination, similar to that of the LA Rams NFL uniforms in the 1980s.  These were really the ugliest gym shoes I've seen in my life.

Now, Dad never claimed to be fashion forward - and indeed, he wasn't. He also found it entertaining to embarrass me and my brother, and almost anyone he could.  Thus, we just chalked it up to him being a fashion idiot and wanting to embarrass his children whilst wearing "clown shoes".

Perhaps I should also mention that Dad wears a size 14-15 shoe.  Of course, as a kid, you don't comprehend that it might be a pain to find a shoe in that size - you just think "I have to be seen with him wearing THOSE shoes".  Thankfully Mom wore a much more "normal" size 9 women's shoe - at least her shoes were acceptable.  This also meant I had a chance of not being a big foot.

In all honestly, I still did have a slight fear of wearing "clown shoes".  I wore a size 10 when I was nine years old, and I was maybe 4 ft 8.  Eventually, I grew a little over a foot in total and then a size 10 didn't look ridiculous on my frame.  Although finding that size can prove to be a pain, as I went to a DSW in Maryland and there were on four size 10s in the whole store.  I was also told by a vendor in Valencia, Spain I had big feet - never mind that I was at least a head taller than him.  WTF?  But I've resigned to life with a lesser shoe variety and some random "big foot" comment.  After two decades, you just deal.

Until Mom decides to tell me that your feet literally grow for the rest of your life.  Really? That can't be....or I was really, really hoping it couldn't be.  Then a couple weeks later, my right big toe begins hurting me when I wore my gym shoes.  I figured it was just an ingrown toenail and took care of it.  The annoyance continued.  I needed new gym shoes anyway, so I head to the store.  Try on the size 10.  Sure as shit, that's the issue.  My stupid feet have grown into a size 11.  With my big foot shoes in tow, I head to a (less painful) fitness camp.

First, I hate it when Mom is right - even if it's something as trivial as a shoe size.  Second, finding a 10 was hard enough.  An 11?  That's a bitch and a half.  You really have to take what you can get - and hopefully, they'll be somewhat fashionable, comfortable and not totally butt-ugly.   Third, I have some idea of what Dad went and still goes through shoe-wise.  LA Rams shoes were probably the only option he had back in the day.  

Thankfully, the internet has wonderful sites that carry size 11s.  I know, I have to start replacing my vast (ha ha ha) shoe collection.  However, my feet better not grow anymore.

Maybe that's why I'm not a fan of shoes.