words to live by...

three months in...

It's hard to believe that three months of "my" year have already gone by.  and here's the progress (or lack thereof)....

• successfully complete a 5k - I will do this...and I officially start training today. hopefully my friend won't kill me - not because of the workout itself, because I'll probably complain. a lot.
• continue to be physically active - I was doing so well with this, until I decided to fracture my foot on 11 September.  kinda puts a damper on that whole running, boot camp, volleyball thing.  although I've been vigilant about doing my weights in the morning and I've become re-acquainted with my physical therapist, and will be cleared for higher-impact stuff (i.e. running) on tuesday.
  
• explore more in the culinary world - having to stay off my foot makes it difficult to cook. which sucks. hopefully I'll improve on this in a few weeks.
• continue the "no soda" quest - I've done good!  almost five months, with only a couple slips here and there. and Rockstar energy drink is not a soda - it has vitamins.
• increase social media knowledge/promote rjl creative -  I decided to combine these two this year.  I may even slightly change the direction (and potentially the name) of rjl creative to more of an SoLoMo focus, while keeping the design aspect secondary.  I love design, but the future is SoLoMo - and sadly, pretty isn't as important in that arena (but dammit, my stuff will be pretty AND functional!)
  
• continue to engage in artistic endeavors - meh. I've done a couple freelance logos and that's about it. however, I do have some ideas for that "east side special" coffee table.
• get my bartending license - I just always wanted to do this, for no particular reason...but no, I don't have it yet.
• become involved in causes I believe in (namely Pancreatic cancer and APBT/AmStaff groups) -  if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. right now I'm part of the problem.
• visit at least two of the remaining 11 states I haven't yet - in a nutshell, I'm either going west or south. but I did see a Bears game at Solider Field. no, not a new state...but I'd never been there before (and da Bears won too)
• organize my finances - this IS hard (and I'm sure the doctor and PT bills will help immensely). I should resort to gourmet ramen noodle cooking, if I could bring myself to eat ramen.
• figure out this whole "relationship" thing - there's this guy who's after you like a fat kid on cake and you want to smack him upside the head. ugh. I'm attempting online dating again - may the experience be better the second time. but there are a few possibilities in the non-cyber realm...perhaps one will work out. or not.
• cherish the time with friends & family - life is short (something that came to realization about a year ago). make time for those you care about.  remember, it's not what you do it's who you're with.
• be thankful/grateful for the things I have, rather than lamenting about what I don't have -time to practice an "attitude of gratitude".  I've gotten better at this, not perfect, but better. baby steps.

what is scarier than change?

2012 birthday wishes

oh, 2012...how you move so quickly. 2011 tested me quite a bit - and although I survived, I probably could have handled some situations better. 

ergo, most of these year's wishes focus on me and what I can do to better myself, my relationships and perhaps society as a whole (if only for a few hours).

2012 birthday wishes (in no particular order):

• successfully complete a 5k - about seven years ago, I actually embarked training for a marathon (stop laughing) but I changed careers and stopped. despite my knees, I could do this.
• continue to be physically active - ideally, I'd like to do something "active" (read: swimming, hitting the gym, hashing, yoga/pilates) five times/week. if that three-week boot camp in September doesn't kill me first...
  
• explore more in the culinary world - ok, I am a good cook (something my dad apparently "knew"?) and I finally enjoy it. but I'd like to learn how to cook Thai food and take some classes.  I love chicken & veggies, but a girl needs variety.
• continue the "no soda" quest - I've been soda-free since 4 June 2012 (thankfully there's La Croix and tonic water). and honestly, I haven't even craved one since.
• increase social media knowledge/promote rjl creative -  I decided to combine these two this year.  I may even slightly change the direction (and potentially the name) of rjl creative to more of an SoLoMo focus, while keeping the design aspect secondary.  I love design, but the future is SoLoMo - and sadly, pretty isn't as important in that arena (but dammit, my stuff will be pretty AND functional!)
  
• continue to engage in artistic endeavors - this might be a little easier as the focus of my paying job is evolving (more online, less design). I would like to do picture journaling more frequently (read: more than once every two years) and perhaps will revisit "The Artist's Way".
• get my bartending license - I just always wanted to do this, for no particular reason.
• become involved in causes I believe in (namely Pancreatic cancer and APBT/AmStaff groups) - since I was so stellar with this last year (sans the PanCan walk),  it's really something I need to make time for this year. if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem
• visit at least two of the remaining 11 states I haven't yet - in a nutshell, I'm either going west or south. 
• organize my finances - this will be hard. I like spending and not saving, unless I'm saving for something (see above bullet).
• figure out this whole "relationship" thing - thing about these things...they are work. plus, when there are possibilities - including one from complete left field that throws a wrench in it all - it makes it that much more difficult/interesting/<insert word here>...
• cherish the time with friends & family - life is short (something that came to realization about a year ago). make time for those you care about.  remember, it's not what you do it's who you're with.
• be thankful/grateful for the things I have, rather than lamenting about what I don't have - this will likely be the hardest. human nature is to want what we don't or can't have (myself included) and all that does is sabotage us.  time to practice an "attitude of gratitude".

go on living, always keep on breathin'

from the mouth of memory, you give back yourself

~ the gufs

for mom...

My mother taught me about the power of inspiration and courage, 

and she did it with a strength and a passion that I wish could be bottled.  

~ Carly Fiorina 

Although some people wouldn't believe it now, I wasn't too fond of my mother as a teenager.  Granted, no one really is, but I was truly convinced my mother was related to Satan. Even when I went to college, I recall hanging up on my mother more than once (and my dad calling back). It's not that my mom was a bad person. I'm just an optimist and she's what I would call critical. We just had different ways of seeing things and combined with our stubbornness, it just didn't mesh well.

After college graduation, my mom and didn't always see eye to eye, but we garnered a mutual respect. Through the years, the relationship with my mom has blossomed into a  good one. Years ago, no one (family included) could imagine that we could go on one - let alone three - two week vacations together. Yes, we did get on each others nerves once in a while - but no one got thrown off a balcony or anything. And I discovered we both share a hobby of photography and the pursuit of that perfect shot. I cherish the memories and time I spent with Mom on those trips, and hope to venture to Alaska in 2013.

This is poignant as Mom was diagnosed with cancer in August 2012.  I have always thought my mom to be "a strong, stubborn German woman" - much like my grandmother - but with a caring, compassionate side.  I figure if anyone is going to fight this disease - it's her.  And I truly believe she can...and will.  

I've said this before, but I am still in awe of how Mom has handled everything.  While I was going to through my divorce, my dad told me "Your mother and I raised you kids to be strong, independent and able to handle anything thrown at you".  Little did I expect that  we'd have to deal with something like this thrown at us.  But dammit, that phrase is true - and I see we got a lot of that resiliency from Mom. Her persistence actually prompted the doctors to perform more invasive tests - which lead to diagnosis.  I firmly believe that, because of this, her treatment is going well as they caught it early enough. However,  It is debatable whether my trait of persistence has served me well - I guess it depends what side you're on.

But I am most in awe of her positive spirit (and not just because she's "a realist" - her term for it). I for one would be scared shitless and probably be dropping f-bombs if it were me.  Granted, I have done both in the past nine months (mostly with close friends), but I feel I need to be strong for Mom (and provide the comic relief).  Despite all the poking, prodding, chemically infused things going into her body - she is happy and living each day to the fullest.  I figure you can let the diagnosis kick your butt, or attempt to kick the butt of the diagnosis.  The latter seems to suit  Mom better - and her daughter is always up for some butt-kicking as well, although I may be a bit more obvious and verbal about it.

Mom is someone I have grown respect and admire, and most importantly, someone I couldn't imagine life without - and hope not to have to experience that anytime soon. I can only hope to exhibit half the grace, poise, courage and positive attitude as she has in the past nine months - in any situation.

So on this Mother's Day...it really is all about Mom.  If your mom is no longer with us, remember the good times and cherish the memories.  If your mom is indeed alive, take her out to lunch or a movie (or a botanical garden) - or if there are miles between you, at least call her.  After all, you only get one mother.

♥  Thanks Mom, for all you've instilled and given me...love you! ♥

from home to home and back...

this past holiday week, I made the 12.5 hour (25 hours round trip) trek from Milwaukee to Potomac and back.  that's quite a lot of time in a vehicle alone, and thus my mind decided to wander.  below are some observations from the road and my visit, complete with the quirky randomness I so enjoy...

• the Chicago skyline is awesome regardless of the time of day (or night)
• Gary, Indiana is still a stinkhole
• "Killing an Arab" by the Cure will likely never be heard on US radio (or radio in general) again, but it will on my iPod 
• the "mountains" of Pennsylvania seemed way more daunting when I was six.  I'm sure they're not "mountains" in the true sense
• even though i can make the dish myself, Mom's mac-n-cheese tastes way better when she makes it
• one can never listen to the John Denver & the Muppets Christmas CD enough 
• my nephews are still freakin' cute

• Gavin is my brother's mini-me.  Liam, on the other hand, has channeled is auntie as a two (and three) year old.  I've already apologized for this
• a four year old boy and truly move at the speed of light to avoid "Santa"
• "Santa" was cool as a kid because he brought toys.  he's even cooler as an adult because now he brings bottles of rum
• watching "A Christmas Story" with Mom (while drinking Bailey's) every year never gets old
• screw a white Christmas.  I'll take a 50 degree green Christmas anyday...
• my aunt called me "cutie".  maybe one day it will resonate (I still maintain that tall, linebacker-built people like myself cannot be "cute")
• within a period of two years, I have become taller than my uncle
• compliments are great, especially when they come from unlikely sources
• there is such a thing as "bad" stuffing and "too sweet" sweet potatoes
• the Loss clan is apparently overwhelming even if you're dealt with them for 45 years
• my brother is way more like our dad than he'd care to admit
• in a room full of trains designed to mesmerize children and enthusiasts alike, I find the Cerberus (three-headed dog) train and a sign that reads "No Humping"
• my legs are freakishly short for my height
• Jim Vance is the shit.  I'd have a beer with him
• Mom and I don't like shopping, but we sure love Target 
• despite not living in the area, I still drive like a native Washingtonian and have a pronounced Maryland "o"
• it's still weird for me to see Ravens jerseys all across Maryland.  growing up it was still Redskins country
• Tilted Kilt is better than Hooters.  yes I wrote that
• the only way I'd be able to fit into a Tilted Kilt "uniform" is if I didn't eat for five months.  that's not gonna happen
• my dad asked me how much air I liked in my tires (prior to getting it checked before my return trip).  I almost responded "I like my tires like my men...hard".  parental filter success
• it is possible for a cute, little Scottie to be incredibly annoying.  ask Caye
• Maryland crab cakes are the shit
• it's ok for Rutgers to upset #10 Kansas, but NOT ok for Vandy to upset #13 Marquette in the same evening
• watching Marquette games with Mom rarely turns out favorably
• Mom sent me home with over three dozen cookies.  if she only knew...
• my iPod has a thing for Erasure
• Bryan Adams is still great driving music.  so is Chicago...this chick digs Cetera
• stupid drivers are bred everywhere...slower traffic keep right and pass on the left...fucktards
• it is still necessary to "salute" any billboard promoting Indiana University.  especially if it involves men's basketball (here's why)
• the College Football Hall of Fame is in South Bend...who knew?
• if Newark, New Jersey is the armpit of the USA, then Gary, Indiana is the bunghole
• Chicago rush hour sucks.  Tastykakes made it a little better
• it is possible for a dog to stay awake the duration of a road trip 
• I am incredibly lucky to have fabulous friends and family in my life
• Mom is a truly amazing woman.  I could only hope to handle myself with such positivity, poise and grace as she has
• I am unfortunate enough to have two places I can call home

christmas time

there's something about christmas time

that makes your wish it was christmas every day

to see the joy in the children's eyes

the way that the old folks smile

says that christmas will never go away

~ bryan adams, christmas time

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday (well, aside from my birthday - but one could argue that is not a holiday).  The way Mom decorates the house at Christmas, the various aromas of sweet goodies (especially my toffee), visiting with the extended fam (as it's the only time of year I usually see them), playing with my nephews (who are adorable and rock my world)....the list goes on.  There is just something warm and fuzzy about Christmas.  

I will be going back to DC/MD/VA for Christmas this year.  While the warm fuzzies will be there, I can't help to think that this year Christmas will be different yet special.

This year I'll be embarking on a journey I've never done - driving home by myself.   Just me, a Cayenne, 1500 songs on the iPod, 12 hours, six states and 700 miles of highway.  And yes, I know not to stop at the Hardee's on the Ohio Turnpike.  It also marks Cayenne's inaugural trip to the east coast - believe it or not.  I'm sure he'll be entertained by Gus, Mom's errant 1.5 year old Scottie. 

I'll also be at home for a week - something I haven't done this millennium.  Mainly this has been due to lack of PTO (paid time off), lack of a dogsitter, and monetary restraints (dogsitting ain't cheap...neither is airfare).  This year I have the time saved up and driving is cheaper in the long run.  However, there is really only one major reason I'm going for a week this year:  Mom.

As many know, my Mom is battling pancreatic cancer.  On Tuesday, we found out her tumor is currently inoperable (as it's entwined in the artery)...not the Christmas present any of us wanted.  So Mom gets eight weeks of aggressive chemo as a gift....although the docs are hopeful this will shrink the tumor and open the possibility to remove it.  We've all been practicing the same mantra:  hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.  The best gift ever would be successful chemo, tumor removal and remission - even if that would happen a few months late.

Part of the harsh reality is this could be Mom's last Christmas - although I have faith in the doctors/health care professionals at Johns Hopkins, plus Mom's own resilience and positive attitude,  that it won't be. Call it being stubborn or being an eternal optimistic (or a little of both), but Mom will be around for more Christmases and birthdays. Regardless, this will be a special Christmas.

So this holiday season enjoy time with friends, family and loved ones.  Tell them you love them, enjoy their friendship, what have you.  If you've had a falling out with a friends, make amends.  

Life is too short not to cherish it, so savor every moment and make it count. 

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

hi camp, i've missed you!

On Saturday, I returned to what we, in the Wisconsin-Upper Michigan Kiwanis family, refer to as "one of the happiest places on earth" - Camp Wawbeek in Wisconsin Dells. 

Camp Wawbeek is an Easter Seals camp designed for children and adults with physical, developmental and cognitive disabilities.  I first because acquainted with Camp (as it is affectionately called) as a college sophomore and a member of the Marquette CKI club.  CKI attends Camp every fall and spring to close the camp for winter and open it for summer, respectively, by performing various projects from cutting wood to cleaning out the pool to raking leaves to....well, you get the idea.  

I had pretty much made a yearly (if not more frequent) pilgrimage to Camp since then; that is until my "resignation" as CKI administrator.  After 2.5 years,  I decided to return to Camp, and subsequently, my K-Family involvement

I learned two thing upon my return to Camp:

• I don't miss being CKI administrator.  I believe it was something I already knew, but sometimes that reality needs to smack you in the face.  Yes, I enjoyed my time in that position, but it sure was nice to be able to go and bask in the specialness that is Camp without the responsibilities (namely being in charge of 100 some college students and operating on a caffeine IV with minimal sleep).  I came to do some service, attend a Foundation meeting and socialize - and then I left.  I also was able to take in the fall colors and enjoy the calm quiet of my rural surroundings.  I love my concrete jungle, but once in a while I do embrace a change in scenery.
• I did miss being involved in the K-Family in both the social and service aspect.  I reconnected with people I hadn't seen in 2.5 years.  Granted I've communicated with them via e-mail for WIUM KDF business, but that's not quite the same.  We call it K-"Family" for a reason; I literally felt like the "long lost cousin" at the board meeting (by those who I've known before).  And speaking of board meetings, I strangely missed them.  I know, I'm weird.  But I guess it's kind of like being a Cubs fan; once it's in your blood it's near impossible to get it out.  Although, I did forget one aspect - people like to "volunteer" you for positions.  Thus, I am now Marketing Co-Chair for the Foundation.  Yikes!

Overall, it was great to be back in the loop again. And thanks to Diane, Jan, Janet, Paul, Pierski and of course, Ken for welcoming me back with open arms.  I can guarantee it will not be 2.5 years before I visit again!

nine months in....

Well, give or take a few days.  In nine months, I could have given birth.  But I guess trying to reach your goals is somewhat like giving birth - a long, painful process but worth it in the end.

So, with that being said here's the long awaited update...yeah right. (if you feel so inclined, you can compare it to the six-month check-up):

• promote/develop my freelance design "business" (using that term loosely) - I am convinced this will always be a work in progress.  The  rjl creative now has writing samples but still needs photos.  And a web graphics section. But I did get a freelance job...AND a part-time Director of Communications gig with Southeastern Wisconsin Arts Guild.  It's a start, but looking for more.  So if you know anyone that needs a graphics/communications person....(yes, my shameless plug).
• a MacBook -  If anyone would like to purchase one for me, it would be much appreciated. However, I think I should pay off my vein surgery bill first.  Donations accepted.
• take more photographs (those of the artsy, landscape variety) - I took photos of my dog.  He's cute.  Yet, Cayenne would not be considered a landscape.  Rumor has it spring is coming soon so this could change. 
• learn to play bass - I'm seriously beginning to question why I put this down as a goal.  I may have forgotten what a bass looks like.
• catch up with friends I haven't seen much in the past year -Yeah!  I'm doing this...thanks to to modern miracles of technology...plus the wonders of  Mexican food, Miller Park and alcohol.
• keep in touch with friends I actually see - I would like to thank Baker's Square, Brady Street, Wrigleyville and Tracks Tavern (oh, and beer) for making this possible.  I'll even see the hashers on 21 May....it might be warm enough to be hashing by then.
• visit friends in faraway places - specifically those in Florida, Arizona and Connecticut - who I keep promising I'll visit - Chicago is not considered a far away place, but I love it anyway.  Arizona bottomed out as the plane tix were too pricey for my liking.  I've heard nothing about Philly, and haven't even thought about Florida or Connecticut.  However, I might be going to North Carolina in September. 
• teleportation to see said friends and my nephews more often - Can anyone help me with this?  Please? 
• travel internationally without my mom - Aaah. 
• the adapter thingie that allows you to use your iPod in the car - It still works!  I particularly like listening to Ramstein's "Du Hast" as I drive through the ghetto.
• a Wii Fit - I changed this to a LCD-TV...and I got one!  Woo-hoo!  
• lose that last 20 lbs - Scale is an evil five-letter word and I will never like what it says.  Period.  However, I started boot camp ten weeks ago and recently realized I now have some semblance of ab muscles.  And I still wear a medium in some clothes.  
• manage my finances more effectively - If if wasn't for that damn $2700 bill that stupid insurance won't cover (because it's not deemed medically necessary... I call bs), I'd be doing better.  But still not bad.
• actually watch some shows I've DVRed -  I'm still really bad at this.  However, I watched two DVRed shows last night.
• become more involved with the K-Family again - I just have to pay my dues...but I got an e-mail welcoming me back!  Hoping to make it to a service project in the near future.  However, the CKI segment still continues to think I never existed.
• world peace (sorry I had to) - The death of Bin Laden won't bring world peace, but it eventually make the world a bit safer.  To manipulate a religion to spread a propaganda of hate is just wrong.
• instead of complaining about something, do something to change it - Ok, I still complain...but then I work on changing it. Yes, this is the same as six months ago.
• give up diet Dew - I seriously have not had any deit Dew.  But, I'm known to drink a diet Coke on occasion (or a rum & coke).  And sometimes coffee.  However as a former twelve-pack a day dewaholic, I'm still impressed. 

 

And happy cinco de mayo!

seven years & change

It was seven years ago today that my family and friends gathered at SS Peter & Paul on Milwaukee's east side to celebrate my marriage.

Funny how things have changed since.

While I know I was not wholly responsible (some would argue not at all) for the demise of my marriage, any relationship is a partnership - meaning that BOTH parties must be willing to make it work. I was willing, even if it was trying to fix something that likely could not be repaired. Yet that's my nature - I am not a quitter. Perhaps that's why this is one of my favorite quotes:

Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If i quit, however, it lasts forever. (Lance Armstrong)

Yes, in my mind, quitting is a forever thing. Maybe it's partially because I'm stubborn, but I feel that if you make a commitment, hell or high water you should stay with it. And in all honesty, it took a while for me to realize that I wasn't "quitting" - largely due in part to my friends and family backing me in my thoughts/decisions. Sometimes things weren't meant to be for whatever reason.

However, in these past seven years....

I've learned to trust my gut even more than before. In fact, it was my gut instinct that got me "investigating" issues in said marriage. Sure, sometimes I will make a decision with little logical reasoning, but in the end it's worked out for the better.

I learned to live alone. It sounds funny coming from someone who's lived on her own since graduating college, but prior to May 2007, I had only lived alone (read: no family members or roommates) for six months of my life. Now I've done it for 2.5 years. I always felt I was independent; now I know I am.

I learned I could make a hobby into a career. Graphic design has always been a hobby of mine, and in 2006, I decided to switch careers. While the ex-hole was hardly supportive (that's a whole other story in and of itself), the dual income made it possible for me to actually take the plunge and take an entry-level job in marketing. Additionally, I also had the balls to do it. As a result, I really like what I do. While the politics of work sometimes pisses me off, overall I'm in a good place professionally.

I learned who my true friends are. It's always a life-altering situation that makes you realize this. Some dropped off the face of the earth for some unbeknownst reason. Maybe they didn't care or didn't know how to deal with the situation. The true friends are the people who listen to your midnight phone calls, help you plot revenge (even if it's never carried out), make sure you're busy on certain days of the year, never play the Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony" in your presence (sadly, it's a good song but I can't stand it), give you a stuffed donkey, take you out for drinks to celebrate becoming a "Loss" again, etc.

I learned I have to be myself. Basically, like me for me. I haven't been one to put on airs. I'm capable of being domestic; I choose not to be for the most part. I like sports - and I'm a Chicago sports fan living in Milwaukee. I have an off-color, sarcastic sense of humor. I'm opinionated, but I choose what battles/issues to fight. I fall asleep during movies, even those I like. I'm pretty fun...or so I think. But in the end, I learned that I'm just a really big dork. And I'm ok with that.

Yes, it's been a roller coaster of a seven years - some of which I wouldn't wish on anybody. But as the saying goes: what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger (to paraphrase Friedrich Nietzsche). Well, I'm not dead and I'm indeed stronger - physically, mentally and emotionally - than I even have been in my life.

what.a.difference.a.year.makes

It was a year ago I was asked to resign as my role as CKI (Circle K) Administrator due to an incident I will not disclose here. That resignation came with mixed emotions.

I still feel I was not given a fair opportunity to explain my side of the story; and that the decision would have been the same regardless of what I said or did. I still feel that I let people down, even if it ultimately was not my decision. I miss the comradery shared amongst CKI'ers and my fellow administrators; a comradery that, aside for a handful of folks, has fallen completely by the wayside.

Truth be told, I was planning on resigning at the end of the 2009-2010 year on my terms. It definitely didn't happen that way. It's almost as if the door known as the five-year stint as Administrator/Ass't Administrator was abruptly slammed in my face; yet ironically there was no real closure.

However, when one door closes another door (or more) opens...

In hindsight, not being CKI Administrator allowed me to focus on areas of my life, areas that had been neglected due to time limitations. These areas included (but were not limited to):

friendships

creative endeavors

relationships

friendships

Being CKI Admin took up about 13 weekends per year (not to mention other events, phone calls, etc that would pop up now and then). I don't begrudge any time I spent with CKI, but it shot my weekend social life to hell. "I'm sorry. I have a Circle K event to go to" was a phrase I used rather frequently. It also made it difficult for me to meet non-Kiwanis family new people.

I've been lucky to meet a lot of new people in the past year, and being a people person, that makes me happy. I've also reconnected with "seasoned" friends, which is also a great feeling. However, I will focus on one circumstance; it just seems to fit for this time of year.

About the time my weekends again became my own, I started playing bar league volleyball again (after a two-year hiatus). The way this team was assembled was unique - I'll just call it the "Reid factor". Each team member knew Reid somehow; whether it be previous vball teams, chance meeting at Tracks or doing yoga headstands at a WH3 event. Whatever force bought this motley crew together, we became the new (and supposedly improved) "suns of beaches". However, it was clear we shared a like for alcoholic beverages and having fun. Fun is good; and it served as a welcome diversion to the whole CKI thing. These SoBs also served as support through my hand surgery and my move this summer; just mere months after meeting. This also led to playing on another team, Sand Pimps. (Yup - I'm a sun of beach and a sand pimp. My parents would be so proud!)

This was exactly what I needed - having fun times with a great group of people. A year later, we're still ballin' in the same bar leagues in Milwaukee and Reid makes "guest appearances" when his travels take him across the border. Comradery still exists...sometimes you just have to look for it.

creative endeavors

Some people would figure I'm creative every day, being a graphic designer at work and all. True, I am creative at work. It's why I like my job. Yet any creative energies (or energy in general) was consumed by CKI. I'm always happy and honored to lend my talents when needed, but it didn't allow me the freedom to explore.

That being said, the outcome of my work projects have been more creative and innovative. Instead of just thinking outside the box, I've come close to blowing it up. I've been doing some freelance work as well, some of which I'll actually be getting paid for! What a concept, eh? More importantly, I've revisited two creative areas that I haven't had time for in recent years: writing and photography.

Writing....well, you're reading the fruits of that labor now. I write for my own enjoyment and if someone else likes it as well, even better. Photography was an art I showed interest in during my high school days, but after a semester it was evident that me in a darkroom was a disaster in the making. My interest wasn't renewed until I went on a Baltic cruise in June 2006. Maybe it was the charm of Galma Stan in Stockholm or the intricacies of churches in Russia and Estonia but my interest was renewed. Yes, I am now a camera geek and have one with me 90% of the time. I have the photo blog to prove it.

Oh, and I keep saying I want to learn bass. No comment on that (lack of) progress.

relationships

Since my marriage ended in stellar fashion, I admittedly was a bit gunshy. While I did date during my time as Admin, it proved somewhat difficult. Yes, the schedule of events and necessary time commitments played a role. I also think I used it as a crutch, meaning I couldn't become involved because I needed to dedicate my time to CKI. Call it fear of rejection, call it penance, call it whatever you want - it wasn't healthy.

A year ago, that crutch was gone (although I received a snazzy new pair of metal ones in January). There was nothing holding me back; I had to put myself out there. And it's a good thing I did.

The Sunday I should have been been coming home the CKI spring trainer in the Dells, I instead found myself at my friend Judi's "Thanksgiving in April" gathering. Delish food, interesting and fun conversation...and the stealing of gray baseball caps. Well, Doug's gray baseball cap. I think this gathering was the first time I talked with Doug beyond the obligatory "Hey, what's up?" at karaoke. Apparently, he found me interesting and we talked quite a bit at the next karaoke gathering, which lead to the following message on fb, aptly titled (and still titled) "pokes": I had a hell of a lot of fun tonight. I always seem to have quite a bit of fun when you're around. You owe me drinks. That is my clever/coy way of saying we should hang out again sometime. This "might" be lame although I doubt I'm even possible of being lame, but we should go out sometime, just the two of us... I wanted to ask you in person tonight but I felt like I ran out of time. (yes, I had to search in message archives for it...)

So it began. Doug's not sick of me yet, or so he says. And he can even tolerate the fact that I am a (gasp!) Cubs fan.

Am I upset that I am no longer Admin? No. But I wish it didn't end under the circumstances it did nor the repercussions that followed. Do I like having my weekends free and the ability to to have a social life? This may be self-centered, but yes.

Most importantly, I'm happy. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

cayenne(s)

Driving home from work yesterday, I saw a Porsche Cayenne on the road - a sight that is rare is these parts (or any parts for that matter). This is Porsche's foray into the SUV market. Critics say that while this SUV indeed handles like a Porsche, the acceleration is weak and there's limited cargo space. It is also not as capable for off-roading.

When I got home, I was greeted Cayenne the AmStaff terrier - a sight that always puts a smile on my face. This is my first foray into dog ownership. Friends agree that Cayenne indeed has the exuberance of a terrier, his acceleration is full-force and he takes up a lot of couch space. However, he is game for off-roading (read: hiking) and is one of the sweetest dogs ever.

I think I have the better Cayenne model.

schadenfreude

Schadenfreude: pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others or simply put, happiness at the misfortune of others.

"Wow, that IS German!" I can say that, I'm 1/2 German. And after meeting some of my German relatives, I can verify that it is scarily accurate. Yet this concept (or phenomenon, if you will) has transcended far beyond one ethnic group....right into the very fibers of our society and culture.

American society as a whole was introduced to the concept "schadenfreude" through pop culture as early as 1991 thanks to The Simpsons. Lisa asks Homer if he's ever heard of schadenfreude after he is excessively happy that Ned Flanders' business is failing. Defining it for him, she says, "It's a German term for "shameful joy", taking pleasure in the suffering of others." The word/concept has also appeared in other hit shows, including Malcolm in the Middle. If you've seen that show, it shouldn't shock you. Malcolm seems to be based upon that very premise.

However, most people became familiar with the term by way of Avenue Q; the Broadway musical that can be described as: Sesame Street gone wrong. Any sick and/or twisted thought you conjured up about Sesame Street, well, you're not the only one. Here it is in a musical.

To quote the song Schadenfreude from said musical: "Nothing I can do! It's Schadenfreude makin' me feel glad that I'm not you!" Later in the same song, the happiness at the misfortune of others continues...

Nicky: How 'bout straight A students getting B's?
Gary: Exes getting STDs!
Nicky: Waking doormen from their naps!
Gary: Watching tourist reading maps!
Nicky: Football players getting tackled!
Gary: CEOs getting shackled!

Hysterically funny? Yes. But think about it. Society as a whole does it...especially the news.

The May 2008 earthquake in China stands out as a perfect example of schadenfreude and how it has affected society as a whole. I was on vacation in Greece when this natural disaster occured. Not able to understand a damn word of Greek, I received any information deemed newsworthy from BBC News and CNN. As we all know from the pictures and live footage, the destruction was massive and left tens of thousands dead. I understand the need to be "live on the scene" as it is, and likely will remain, one of the worst natural disasters of our lifetime. However, I don't understand the need to interview a grandmother (with help from a translator) who cannont locate any of her family in the rubble. It is highly likely that her children and grandchildren have perished in the devastation, and we're seeing her have a breakdown on national, no...international, television. As a society we thrive on sensationalism, but quite frankly, this was ridiculous.

I experienced wide range of emotions. I was saddened at the death and destruction, disgusted that they continued to interview survivors obviously going through major emotional turmoil; yet I found it somewhat comical with people frantically shifting through the rubble as it resembled a scene from a really bad B movie (I'm blaming the Mythos beer for this). And I caught myself thinking "I'm so glad that's not me. It would suck. I'm happy I'm safe on vacation and not in China." And there it was: on the island of Mykonos I had a schadenfreude experience.

Is it wrong? Definitely.

But again, it reinforces the fact that no one is immune. Schadenfreude is also readily evident with common sayings/catch phrases:

• "Sucks to be you." I'm willing to bet that everyone has said this. If not, you're lying.
• "I'm glad I'm not that guy." You've said that too. You know you have.

Or common daily occurances:

• Being amused when someone is trying to walk a straight line in a 40 mph wind gust.
• Feeling warm and safe in your home while watching people in the their cars stuck in a snowstorm.
• Chuckling (or in my case, Nelson's "ha-ha" from The Simpsons) when someone is pulled over for speeding. Admittedly, I do this all the time.

Or on the web:

• http://www.fmylife.com/: I check this daily. In a strange, twisted way it makes me realize my life could be so much worse and really doesn't suck.

Yes, schadenfreude is alive and well in our daily lives, whether we want to admit it or not.

Now I think I'm going to take the elevator to get a coke and if someone asks me to hold the door, I won't. Then on the ride down, I'm going to laugh at them.