the ex

Sometimes this song conveys exactly how I'm feeling, especially the chorus...

And while I know that I'm a fighter who's too busy to sit down and lament, I know it's okay to do so sometimes...

the break-up

It's not the break-up that's the hardest...

it's the period after the break-up.

This is not to say a break-up is easy.  It's not; especially when you still have feelings for that person.  However, I've resigned to believing it's just one of those things we have to endure.  People change, situations change.  And in this case, change sucks.

I don't understand how two people can be in a relationship for two years, and then in a period of one month (at least from what I can tell), determine that "I only like you as a friend".   Although I received reassurance that it wasn't because I was unattractive or had a crappy personality, the ego still took a hit.  It's pretty much par for the course when you get dumped - especially when it seems to have come from left field.

For better or worse, I am exceptional over-analyzing things.  And in doing so, I question my actions, wonder what I did wrong and if there was anything I could have done to prevented it.  While it's probably not good psychologically that I have gone back to re-read messages, I keep thinking  I'll find something I missed.  And when I find that "something", I'll be able to come to a conclusion.  It would have been a lot easier if I HAD a reason, an answer to the question "why?".  Ironically, I can't get an answer from a person who needs a logical answer for everything. 

Thus, I have my theories.   Being alone with my thoughts is not a good thing at this time, as it leads to speculations.  Since I was cheated on previously, my default is to think there is another woman - regardless of lack of anything to substantiate this.  There is also the "fright or flight" theory.  Of course, I could (and probably should) take it at face value and accept that we were just meant to be friends. 

That in and of itself is frustrating.  The other part is the "we'll still be friends and hang out and stuff" line.  Now, I know it's possible to be friends with your exes, as I am friends will all of mine (minus THE ex-hole).  And yes, I would like to "be friends and hang out and stuff". I realize the period after the break-up is less than two weeks in and it moving into the "friend zone" does take time.  There are moments where I wish we could just fast-forward to that.  Of course, I do have moments where I'd just like to kick him in the nuts (because it might make me feel better) but these surprisingly are few.

The hardest part is when realizing we were in contact daily for the duration (including when I was in Spain for two weeks in 2010) and suddenly that is gone.  Not to be morbid, but it's almost like someone you cared about died.  You miss them and they're no longer a part of your life.  And I feel there's not much I can do about it right now.

I just wish I knew the truth, the reason. Yes, the truth might hurt.  But the not knowing "why" hurts more.

initial thoughts

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. ~ Dr. Seuss

 I wrote down my thoughts before we had "the talk" on Friday 28 October - just so I could be coherent and remember to say everything I felt I needed to.  Despite running on waves of emotion, I think I managed to stay fairly rational.  Perhaps I am showing signs of maturity after all.

========

I’m sorry I couldn’t come up with any words Wednesday night.  I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks and there’s really no easy recovery from that, plus I needed time to process the situation.  Then I got the message saying you picked up “some” of your stuff, but when I got home it appeared like “all” of your stuff.  There was the second ton of bricks.

Needless to say, I’ve gone through a myriad of emotions in the past couple days.  I’ll start with the one that’s easier for me to convey:  anger.  I was angry that you went into my apartment without me there to get your stuff for two reasons (both from my perspective) – 1) it violated my personal space, with things being as they are and 2) it implied that talking was pointless as your decision appeared to be made.  I understand that you wanted your stuff – and rightfully so – but the collection of it could have waited until we talked.  

I don’t know what to call the other emotion – a hybrid of sadness/depression/fear.  As probably know, I have quite a few insecurities – despite how I may appear in public.  So when I heard “not attracted to you in that way” (likely a paraphrase) I automatically revert to the thought “I am not attractive” and then the feelings of self-doubt sink in.  I know it’s something I have to conquer myself, but it’s my current frame of mind.  I’m sure this part of the reason that I didn’t eat dinner Wednesday night.  Either that or I exerted my energy crying versus getting off the couch to make dinner.

Yes, I cried.  A lot.  Why?  I was pretty much an emotional wreck.  I felt like my heart was ripped out and then stomped on.  And one of my greatest fears is being alone.  Kisses from Caye and sleeping with Poppy (my first teddy bear) helped, but can only do so much.

I probably should clarify what I meant when I said “I’m fine with the way things are”.  What I meant I was:  fine with being boyfriend/girlfriend, and not having to take our relationship to “the next stage” – whatever that is.  I know that our friends “nosiness” (read: asking questions about our relationship) was stressful for both of us, and that neither one of us really knew how to deal with/communicate how we felt about it. However, I really hope the nosiness did not play a factor in your decision.  I also knew you needed space (and that you relish it somewhat), so I wanted to give you that.  In hindsight, we probably should have talked about this earlier.  

This next part you may not want to hear, but I need to tell you.  I still have feelings for you beyond friendship.  (This would also explain the crying.) What I do know is that I simply enjoy being with you, even if it is just watching TV.

However, I’d rather have you as a friend than not have you in my life as all.  Besides, every Packers fan needs a Bears fan to rip on.

being benny

"You mustn't mess me about. I know I may look like a rhinoceros, but I've got quite a thin skin really." ~ Benny, Circle of Friends

I know. It’s a quote from a chick flick. I generally don’t like chick flicks.

Admittedly, the main reason I saw this movie in 1995 was the lead actor. This was during my Chris O’Donnell phase and I saw pretty much anything he did during this period.

The premise of the movie, based on the novel by Maeve Binchy (note: I am not a fan of her other works), centers around Bernadette “Benny” Hogan (Minnie Driver) and her childhood friend Eve as they enter University College in Dublin and deal with the usual issues of college life. The main story line focuses Benny - a funny but insecure, overweight, plain-looking young woman - and her relationship with Jack Foley (O’Donnell), the star of the university’s rugby team. Benny quickly falls for Jack (and seeing my then infactuation with O’Donnell who could blame her?) But to the surprise of Benny (along with everyone else), Jack fancies her as well. This turn of events prompts Benny to ask “He could have anyone at all. Why would he look at me?”

The plot then follows their courtship as both learn lessons about friendship, betrayal, life and love. No, there is nothing unique or startling about this plot. And no, I won’t give away the ending on the off-chance you haven’t seen it but plan to see it.

But fifteen years later, Circle of Friends remains an exception to my usual movie tastes largely because I relate to Benny.

I still maintain that I was not a cute or attractive child or teenager. One might even say I was overweight and plain-looking (in part to attending a school like BHS 90210, east coast style), yet crushing on a football palyer who didn’t know I existed. Thus, figuring I wouldn’t get by on my looks, I fell back on my sense of humor and personality. Some will say I’m not overweight or plain-looking, but whatever. Truth be told, I’m in shock if someone actually thinks I’m attractive as I still see myself as that chunky, frizzy-haired, coke-bottle glasses wearing but funny kid. I know…insecure much? And really, why on earth would you look at or fancy that kid?

That being said, my personality and sense of humor have served me well for the most part. However, there is a down side. That same personality gives off the vibe that things don’t get to me and, to a lesser degree, I don’t really need positive reinforcement. As for the latter, I think everyone needs some kind of positive reinforcement but it’s not something everyone is willing to give. The former is is different story. Despite my happy-go-lucky exterior, things do get to me - perhaps more often than they should. My usual public response is to crack a joke (usually self-effacing) or laugh it off.

And for most part, no one is the wiser. But despite a tough exterior, some of that thin skin has likely been torn…

the last k-rant. really.

Oh, I'm sorry I only exist to you when I need something...

That pretty much sums up my relationship with the K-Family since April 2009.

And before I go on, I promise this will be my last musings about this situation. Really.

On Saturday, I attended the annual K-Family Brewers Game. Seeing it had been a full year (last years KFBG) since I went to a K-Family event, I wasn't sure what to expect. However, my experience was, well, interesting....

I wasn't expecting bells & whistles or the red carpet treatment. However, I didn't even get one "hello" hug. Now I'm not big on hugging each and every time you say hello/good-bye to someone (unless it's my parents or other folks I don't see often), but the K-Family is a "give-a-lot-of-hugs" type of group so I'll just go along with it. And it's somewhat expected. That set the stage for the evening...

I felt out of place and generally not welcomed - with exceptions, of course. Granted, there were a plethora of Circle K'ers I didn't know, but being about of the loop, that wasn't surprising...but those aren't the people I'm referring to. I reference the people I knew, those I served alongside with, those who I thought would support me in at least some regard. There were some obviously forced greetings, laced with the "why the hell are you here?" tone. Some people, again whom I worked and served with, who ignored me completely...including one rather high-ranking Kiwanian. Keep in mind, these are the same people who wouldn't hesitate to talk to me when I was administrator. I guess in their minds, I serve no purpose to them anymore and therefore, anything beyond a simple "hello" (if that) is just too much effort.

The only folks who appeared to be welcoming were a recent past CK governor, a Kiwanian from Madison (we had a every nice convo in the concession line) and anyone affiliated with Marquette CKI. MU CKI still rocks. Just know that your friendliness was much appreciated. That being said, I'm glad i sat next to a CKI'er scoring the game (and was actually able to help...Granddad taught me well) and I brought a guest - otherwise it likely would have been a very lonely and uncomfortable evening.

Yes, I get that the way I fell/got forced out of the loop was less than ideal. One would think that coming to an event shows a bit of effort (and a bit of pride swallowing) to possibly become involved again. Then again, I'll give someone the benefit of the once. Maybe it's a mistake to ask for that in return. Yes, I get that I "broke the rules" and thus, there should be consequences. However, I think my so-called punishment is a bit extreme for the crime. Yes, I get that communication is a two-way street. I can "small talk"; I'm fairly adept at it. In fact, I was chatting with someone in our group and I still have no idea who he is. However, it only works if the other person actually has even a minute interest (or in non-pc terms "gives a fuck") in participating.

This event mirrors my post-administrator encounters with the K-Family, again with exceptions. Those exceptions? The administrators & alum I hung out with at CKI events. I miss those guys dearly, and fortunately I've stayed in touch with a majority of them. Plus, these are the only folks who appear to have a genuine interest in me staying involved with the K-Family. Hell, one even extended the invitation to join his club (even though it's a Georgia-based eClub). Sadly, that seems to be the only sincere and personalized invite I've received.

Overall, my recent experiences with the K-Family have been less than stellar. OK, maybe a baseball game isn't the best benchmark to determine my future involvement with the organization. But whether it was by design or otherwise, for the most part I felt like an outcast and unwelcomed. And it certainly didn't get me motivated to rejoin Kiwanis.

This from an organization to which I dedicated nearly two decades of service. Apparently, that doesn't mean much anymore.

Maybe that's why I never got that good-bye hug either...