my (perceived) absence

Lá Fhéile Pádraig sona duit!

Or in plain English:  Happy St. Patrick's Day!

No, celebrating with a Guinness or two (as green beer is an abomination) is not the reason I've been a slacker (or at least that's my perception) in keeping up in the bloggerverse.   In fact, I've been online quite a bit - but just not here.

The reason for my (perceived) absence is three-fold:  creative ventures, reaction to a shitty Wisconsin governor and happy pills.

Creative ventures are indeed a good thing.  I landed my first official freelance gig as rjl creative in the form of a logo design.  Granted, it was for a law firm and thus, not very "outside the box" design - but I look at it as a foray into new territory.  I can do the whimsy as well as the traditional (even if the whimsy is way more fun). I may eventually get the logo on my website.  I've also been commissioned update the Southeastern Wisconsin Arts Guild blog - for which I designed the logo.  If you're looking for something to do in the arts community in SE WI, check this site out!  

On the "paying the bills job", I've been delving into the world of video editing (which I haven't done since college - and I'm sure the technology has evolved slightly) as well as learning about podcasts and RSS feeds.  As much as I love the graphic design aspect of my job, print media - while still present - is declining.  One can only go so far with graphic design and basic web skills, so I must evolve along with the marketing industry.  This is fine - learning new stuff is fun for me.  And no, I highly doubt this new found knowledge will produce the next SModcast-esque podcast.Who knew that my creative and technical skills would eventually merge?  It frightens me verily....

A shitty Wisconsin governor is not a good thing.  In fact, Scott Walker is a fucking douchebag.  During the past six weeks since his dictatorship over the state's government, I have been reading articles, blogs, etc. about how this doofus is stripping citizens of their rights and putting the state's future prosperity on the backs of the lower and middle class.  Additionally, I commend the Wisconsin 14 for fleeing the state and exposing the current regime for what it really is.  This is not what democracy looks like.

Well, I guess that tells you where I stand on the issues facing Wisconsin.  However, it has prompted me to be more involved in politics (which I strangely like) and stand up for causes I believe in.  Call it the proverbial fire under the ass.  As a result, I have gotten into debates (and some arguments) facebook - particularly regarding the Wisconsin situation.  And really, at this point, I don't care if you agree with me or not - at least realize there is another side to the story (even if I contend you're wrong).  If so inclined, I also have been posting frequently on my Twitter account - some political in nature, some completely random musings (i.e. damn this Greek yogurt is good).

Happy pills are a good-bad thing.  As some of you know, I was having health issues the past couple months.  I wasn't feeling like myself - extremely jumpy, having "worst case scenario thoughts", insomnia, etc.  After numerous tests (my cholesterol, vitamin levels, thyroid, blood sugar are all fine), I was diagnosed with GAD (general anxiety disorder).  Yes, this surprised me as much as anyone.  But in reviewing the past 2.5 years, I realized I've been through a lot of shit (with some good sprinkled in) and quite frankly, I'm surprised it took this long. 

I can tell you anxiety meds are not fun.  The first one gave me acid reflux - and for someone who never has even had heartburn prior to this, that was interesting.  The second one gave me killer headaches.  If that's what a migraine is like, I never want to experience one.  Finally, the third time is the charm (I hope).  It's been a week and so far, so good.  Although, this may hinder me in hoisting more that a couple pints 'o Guinness this evening. 

Sláinte! ~ Cheers!

being benny

"You mustn't mess me about. I know I may look like a rhinoceros, but I've got quite a thin skin really." ~ Benny, Circle of Friends

I know. It’s a quote from a chick flick. I generally don’t like chick flicks.

Admittedly, the main reason I saw this movie in 1995 was the lead actor. This was during my Chris O’Donnell phase and I saw pretty much anything he did during this period.

The premise of the movie, based on the novel by Maeve Binchy (note: I am not a fan of her other works), centers around Bernadette “Benny” Hogan (Minnie Driver) and her childhood friend Eve as they enter University College in Dublin and deal with the usual issues of college life. The main story line focuses Benny - a funny but insecure, overweight, plain-looking young woman - and her relationship with Jack Foley (O’Donnell), the star of the university’s rugby team. Benny quickly falls for Jack (and seeing my then infactuation with O’Donnell who could blame her?) But to the surprise of Benny (along with everyone else), Jack fancies her as well. This turn of events prompts Benny to ask “He could have anyone at all. Why would he look at me?”

The plot then follows their courtship as both learn lessons about friendship, betrayal, life and love. No, there is nothing unique or startling about this plot. And no, I won’t give away the ending on the off-chance you haven’t seen it but plan to see it.

But fifteen years later, Circle of Friends remains an exception to my usual movie tastes largely because I relate to Benny.

I still maintain that I was not a cute or attractive child or teenager. One might even say I was overweight and plain-looking (in part to attending a school like BHS 90210, east coast style), yet crushing on a football palyer who didn’t know I existed. Thus, figuring I wouldn’t get by on my looks, I fell back on my sense of humor and personality. Some will say I’m not overweight or plain-looking, but whatever. Truth be told, I’m in shock if someone actually thinks I’m attractive as I still see myself as that chunky, frizzy-haired, coke-bottle glasses wearing but funny kid. I know…insecure much? And really, why on earth would you look at or fancy that kid?

That being said, my personality and sense of humor have served me well for the most part. However, there is a down side. That same personality gives off the vibe that things don’t get to me and, to a lesser degree, I don’t really need positive reinforcement. As for the latter, I think everyone needs some kind of positive reinforcement but it’s not something everyone is willing to give. The former is is different story. Despite my happy-go-lucky exterior, things do get to me - perhaps more often than they should. My usual public response is to crack a joke (usually self-effacing) or laugh it off.

And for most part, no one is the wiser. But despite a tough exterior, some of that thin skin has likely been torn…

fear this

As of late, I have been "reminded" of some of my peculiar persuasions - or irrational fears - if you will.

What exactly is an "irrational fear"? Well, it's a type of phobia (from the Greek, meaning "fear"), A phobia is a intense and persistent fear of certain situations, activities, things, etc. where the main symptom is the excessive and/or unreasonable desire to avoid the things/situations feared. Usually, it is a learned response brought on by an experience. However, the fear is usually transmitted to other situations while the original experience is repressed or forgotten.

Or in layrpersons terms - the crazy, I’ve-got-a-better-chance-of-winning-the-lottery than being (fill in the blank), kind of fears.

We all have them. Some people are afraid of driving on bridges, others fear historical figures (really, there are people afraid of Abraham Lincoln). And yes, I have some irrational fears of my own.

One of these such fears is commonplace in our society: the drive-thru. I do not like driving through the drive-thru. In fact I will try to avoid doing so at all costs. When I go to the bank, I park the car and walk into the bank to make a deposit, get quarters, etc. I rationalize by saying I want to say "hi" to the people at the bank - who happen to be very nice. And sometimes they have cookies. If I get a "fast food" meal, I go into the establishment to order. Hmmm, maybe that's why I like Subway so much (aside from it being delish) - no drive-thru. In fact I will have someone else drive my vehicle through the damn thing. Now you ask if the fear interferes with your life could it be an anxiety disorder? Perhaps, although I've never heard of a "drive-thru phobia". But is it really wrong to want to talk to folks personally rather than a sliding glass window? However, the weird part is that I am perfectly fine if I am a passenger and not driving the vehicle.

But Bec, the drive-thru? Yes, really. Maybe it's because when I was learning to drive many of the roads had cement barriers and each time I got too close, my dad would comment (read: yell). Or it could be that I have visions of hitting the accelerator instead of the brake - which I did on my learner's permit, causing an accident - and find myself on the news because I literally "drove-through" the fast food establishment. Realistically, the chances of the latter happening are slim...yet there is that possibility.

The other one may fall into that Abe Lincoln category: clawfooted tubs. At least I know how this fear manifested.

I was seven and my family was visiting relatives in North Dakota in the dead of winter...and it was f*in cold. We stayed in a hotel with a clawfooted tub, which I actually bathed in. Then I went to bed and had this dream: I was taking a bath and the bathtub decided to use its feet to walk outside. In the middle of the night. With snow and -40 wind chills. And it left me in the middle of an intersection. Using infinite seven-year-old wisdom, I determined that if it could happen in a dream it could actually happen. Needless to say, I never got into the hotel tub - or any other clawfooted tub - since.

Well, that's a bit nutty, right? I'll even admit that. It's not like I have an issue with other tubs or I'm afraid of water (especially if I swam competitively for ten years and have done the swimming portion of triathalons). So two years ago, at Camp Wawbeek, I tried to overcome this fear. The shower I usually used was being fixed in the house where Kiwanians stayed; the only other in-house option was a clawfooted tub. After a ten-minute stare down, the damn tub won. I still couldn't do it. I walked across the way to the dorms (where the college kids were) and showered there. Apparently I'm still not over my issue of clawfooted tubs. I guess would also be a prime example of fear interfering with life. Yet I ask, how often will I really encounter a clawfooted tub?

Personally, I think by acknowledging the the irrationality (but not necessarily rationalizing it) makes it less abnormal, or I'll say it, crazy.

In the meantime, please keep me away from drive-thrus and clawfooted tubs - then everything will be just fine.