three months in...

It's hard to believe that three months of "my" year have already gone by.  and here's the progress (or lack thereof)....

• successfully complete a 5k - I will do this...and I officially start training today. hopefully my friend won't kill me - not because of the workout itself, because I'll probably complain. a lot.
• continue to be physically active - I was doing so well with this, until I decided to fracture my foot on 11 September.  kinda puts a damper on that whole running, boot camp, volleyball thing.  although I've been vigilant about doing my weights in the morning and I've become re-acquainted with my physical therapist, and will be cleared for higher-impact stuff (i.e. running) on tuesday.
  
• explore more in the culinary world - having to stay off my foot makes it difficult to cook. which sucks. hopefully I'll improve on this in a few weeks.
• continue the "no soda" quest - I've done good!  almost five months, with only a couple slips here and there. and Rockstar energy drink is not a soda - it has vitamins.
• increase social media knowledge/promote rjl creative -  I decided to combine these two this year.  I may even slightly change the direction (and potentially the name) of rjl creative to more of an SoLoMo focus, while keeping the design aspect secondary.  I love design, but the future is SoLoMo - and sadly, pretty isn't as important in that arena (but dammit, my stuff will be pretty AND functional!)
  
• continue to engage in artistic endeavors - meh. I've done a couple freelance logos and that's about it. however, I do have some ideas for that "east side special" coffee table.
• get my bartending license - I just always wanted to do this, for no particular reason...but no, I don't have it yet.
• become involved in causes I believe in (namely Pancreatic cancer and APBT/AmStaff groups) -  if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. right now I'm part of the problem.
• visit at least two of the remaining 11 states I haven't yet - in a nutshell, I'm either going west or south. but I did see a Bears game at Solider Field. no, not a new state...but I'd never been there before (and da Bears won too)
• organize my finances - this IS hard (and I'm sure the doctor and PT bills will help immensely). I should resort to gourmet ramen noodle cooking, if I could bring myself to eat ramen.
• figure out this whole "relationship" thing - there's this guy who's after you like a fat kid on cake and you want to smack him upside the head. ugh. I'm attempting online dating again - may the experience be better the second time. but there are a few possibilities in the non-cyber realm...perhaps one will work out. or not.
• cherish the time with friends & family - life is short (something that came to realization about a year ago). make time for those you care about.  remember, it's not what you do it's who you're with.
• be thankful/grateful for the things I have, rather than lamenting about what I don't have -time to practice an "attitude of gratitude".  I've gotten better at this, not perfect, but better. baby steps.

foot fracture...could be worse...

das boot with das bier

For anyone who knows me, it shouldn't come as a shock that I tend to injure myself now and then...ok, that might be an understatement. And in fine fashion, I decided it would be a good idea to fracture my foot whilst running earlier this month. (note to self: re-evaluate the run a 5K goal)

I'm no stranger to visiting the orthopedic section at any medical facility.  Having knee issues since I was in my early teens,  I've become well-versed (for a non-medical professional) in physical therapy, x-rays, MRIs and orthopedic devices.  In my life I've managed to accumulate a variety of assistive walking devices and immobilizers, as well knee and ankle braces - now add "das boot" (aka walking cast) to collection.

As with anything, I try to put a positive and humorous spin on it. Case in point: last Friday I had an appointment with same doctor that did my knee surgery almost three years ago, basically to confirm the inevitable diagnosis of a fracture. Apparently the doctor and the physician's assistant remembered me, so I told them I missed them and wanted to visit. It also helps that said physician's assistant is hot (and how did I not notice this during treatment for my knee?)

fun with friends

Sometimes my "determination" will overtake my otherwise positive outlook. While with friends, I can joke about the fact my foot looks like that of a Stormtrooper or Moon Man. Or that if someone annoys us, I'll give them das boot in das ass. But once I try to get up and do something, such as get a chair to prop up my foot or go buy by own beer, no one lets me get up.  They insist on doing it for me.  While I greatly appreciate the gesture as I know they do it because they care, but I'm of the mindset I can do still do things myself.  Oh, and I might be a bit stubborn.

This not being able to do things is frustrating beyond belief.  I like playing volleyball and my "running" club, and I miss the daily 2.5 mile walk with the pup. And being a beerleader at vball can only do so much.. It is incredibly hard to sit and "do nothing", especially when it's not in my nature. Yes, I know it's for my own good and that's required for healing, but dammit, it's hard!  (another note to self: use this "down" time to work on creative pursuits)

It's enough to drive me bat-shit crazy - and thankfully I have friends who will accommodate plans to work around my gimpiness.  And it could be worse...

As frustrating (in my mind) as a fractured foot is, in 2-3 months I'll be good as new and back to my active self (and hopefully not finding a new way to injure myself). But the ordeal - no matter how minor or insignificant - will be over.   

And I know I'm lucky health wise (some would argue, but injury-prone is different than health issues) amongst people I know. I don't have chronic allergies or asthma. I only take one medication daily, and that's by choice. I don't have any heart ailments or abnormalities. I don't have cancer.

mom & i at plaza de espana

Then I think of Mom - and all the chemo, radiation, procedures and medication she has gone through in the past 13 months for treatment of pancreatic cancer. If she can courageously put her body, mind and spirit through all that AND still maintain a level of optimism, surely I can walk around in das boot for a couple more weeks with minimal bitching. 

And then when I'm out das boot, maybe we can use it to kick cancer's ass.

2012 birthday wishes

oh, 2012...how you move so quickly. 2011 tested me quite a bit - and although I survived, I probably could have handled some situations better. 

ergo, most of these year's wishes focus on me and what I can do to better myself, my relationships and perhaps society as a whole (if only for a few hours).

2012 birthday wishes (in no particular order):

• successfully complete a 5k - about seven years ago, I actually embarked training for a marathon (stop laughing) but I changed careers and stopped. despite my knees, I could do this.
• continue to be physically active - ideally, I'd like to do something "active" (read: swimming, hitting the gym, hashing, yoga/pilates) five times/week. if that three-week boot camp in September doesn't kill me first...
  
• explore more in the culinary world - ok, I am a good cook (something my dad apparently "knew"?) and I finally enjoy it. but I'd like to learn how to cook Thai food and take some classes.  I love chicken & veggies, but a girl needs variety.
• continue the "no soda" quest - I've been soda-free since 4 June 2012 (thankfully there's La Croix and tonic water). and honestly, I haven't even craved one since.
• increase social media knowledge/promote rjl creative -  I decided to combine these two this year.  I may even slightly change the direction (and potentially the name) of rjl creative to more of an SoLoMo focus, while keeping the design aspect secondary.  I love design, but the future is SoLoMo - and sadly, pretty isn't as important in that arena (but dammit, my stuff will be pretty AND functional!)
  
• continue to engage in artistic endeavors - this might be a little easier as the focus of my paying job is evolving (more online, less design). I would like to do picture journaling more frequently (read: more than once every two years) and perhaps will revisit "The Artist's Way".
• get my bartending license - I just always wanted to do this, for no particular reason.
• become involved in causes I believe in (namely Pancreatic cancer and APBT/AmStaff groups) - since I was so stellar with this last year (sans the PanCan walk),  it's really something I need to make time for this year. if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem
• visit at least two of the remaining 11 states I haven't yet - in a nutshell, I'm either going west or south. 
• organize my finances - this will be hard. I like spending and not saving, unless I'm saving for something (see above bullet).
• figure out this whole "relationship" thing - thing about these things...they are work. plus, when there are possibilities - including one from complete left field that throws a wrench in it all - it makes it that much more difficult/interesting/<insert word here>...
• cherish the time with friends & family - life is short (something that came to realization about a year ago). make time for those you care about.  remember, it's not what you do it's who you're with.
• be thankful/grateful for the things I have, rather than lamenting about what I don't have - this will likely be the hardest. human nature is to want what we don't or can't have (myself included) and all that does is sabotage us.  time to practice an "attitude of gratitude".

go on living, always keep on breathin'

from the mouth of memory, you give back yourself

~ the gufs

2011 birthday wishes (in review)

In a few short days, my (undisclosed age here) "year" will come to an end. It's been an interesting year to say the least, and despite that, I think I actually achieved some things on this list.  Yes, you should be as shocked as I am...

2011 Birthday Wishes (original):

• procure a MacBook (fail) - I could get a red Dell.  or a pink one. or design my own. yes, I think I've given up on this. 
• amp up physical activity (success) - the bike still needs a tune-up. however, I have been walking/jogging with the Badgerland Striders and I did join a gym...with a pool!  that'll be useful for the possible return to "death by tri".  otherwise, I'll just try to emulate Dana Vollmer (USA, WR holder in the 100m fly)
• try to eat better (even) - I'm blaming beer, and those damn cheese balls.
• attempt to be culinary (success) - people have actually asked me for recipes.  I don't know how the hell that happened.
• embrace my curls (even) - I straightened it today as I renewed my DL (it should have been a curly day).  I've gotten WAY better, yet not a full embrace yet.
• beat my brother in "Words with Friends" (success) - 13 August bitches!  I don't think my bro plays this anymore but I still won a game, dammit!
• travel somewhere besides DC & Chicago (success) - I'm calling this a success loosely.  I did go to St. Louis and Ohio...not exotic but elsewhere none the less.
• see Wisco Gov. Scott Walker get recalled (fail) - I voted to get the douche out of office! but damn that "instilling the fear of God in people" campaign tactic.
• increase social media knowledge (even) - a few weeks ago, this would have been a success, then I went to a SoLoMo seminar, and I don't know jack. sadly, I do know more than the average person despite not knowing jack
• engage in artistic endeavors (success) - I've painted wine bottles, taken artsy photos (soon coming to a canvas near you)...looking to do more.
• continue to promote rjl creative (even) -  still promoting and the HAHS annual fundraiser logo was pretty cool. but beyond that not much.
• become involved with APBT & AmStaff dog rescue/advocacy (fail) -  Caye is a great ambassdog and speaks for the breed beautifully. still. must.go.to.an.event.
• that my mom wins her battle with pancreatic cancer (success) - well, I can't really do a success/fail on this in the truest form, but I'll call it success. she hasn't beaten it yet, but the tumor has shrunk by 50% and chemo is down to every other week. go Mom!

Real exciting, I know.  Stay tuned, the 2012 "wishes" will be up in a few days....

being thankful (i don't care if it's the "wrong" month)...

It's amazing how much growing up (even at my age) that one can do in a week...

We like to think our personal problems are the most important in the world (and if you say you've never done this, you're lying).  These problems could include a co-worker you want to punch in the face, feeling left out by a group of friends, attempting to interpret whether there's more than friendship with certain males....you get the picture.  For better or worse,  these problems tend to consume us, as petty as they might be in the grand scheme. 

And that grand scheme hit like a ton of bricks (both bad and good) in the past week...

the bad (because it's better to start with the bad and end on a high note)...

On Tuesday prior to volleyball, I was kind of bummed that I wasn't going to the Cubs/Brewers game and made mention of it to a couple teammates (who knew the underlying reason why). After telling me to shut up and have fun, it ended up being a good night with friends.  

The next morning, I check my Twitter account (per usual) and see a tweet from DS about "a terrible wreck".  "WTF?" was my exact tweet back.  Turns out, the shuttle transporting my friends home from said baseball game got broadsided by a car.  One of the guys (MK) was thrown out the door and was "beaten up" - more precisely, a broken collarbone and a few broken ribs. Fuck...

the good...

Since Mom's diagnosis in August, I try to talk to her at least twice per week (although right now I'm failing miserably at this).  We usually talk about her treatment, along with the sports page.  Overall she's in good spirits, but every once in a while she'll complain about side effects - mostly being tired & run-down - which is to be expected.

On Sunday, I talked to Mom (per usual).  I was excited to share with her that I met an 18-year survivor of pancreatic cancer while at the PurpleStride Milwaukee event. (note: the average life span after diagnosis is 14 months, so 18 years is f-ing amazing) But Mom had fabulous news of her own....her tumor shrunk by 50%!!!!!  This not only means the chemo is working, but the treatments will now be less frequent and evasive. Woot!

In comparison, yes, my problems are trivial. I'm not lying in a hospital bed in pain. I'm not fighting the battle of my life against a deadly disease. I'm not living in a country were even my basic needs are compromised.  Again, you get the point...

As a society we tend to focus on the bad and what we don't have, rather than be grateful for the good and what we do have (myself included). And I know I really need to stop doing this and think about how lucky I really am. 

Thus, I'm thankful...

• that MK's injuries weren't more severe (and wish him a speedy recovery) and that everyone else came away relatively unscathed
• for the medical advances in cancer research, giving all of us hope
• that Mom is at Johns freakin' Hopkins and is receiving among the best care in the nation; as well as Mom continuing to handle herself with positivity, grace and resiliency 
• the above mentioned traits may have been passed down to me (at least in some capacity) 
• for the health, happiness and well-being (generally speaking) of my friends and family
• for my immediate family - their love, their support, the knowledge they'll always be there even across the miles
• for the unending support of my friends (both old and new) - the past ten months would have been hellish without all of them, and their friendships mean more than they know

Life is too short already.  Take the time to be thankful for and savor all the good things.

for mom...

My mother taught me about the power of inspiration and courage, 

and she did it with a strength and a passion that I wish could be bottled.  

~ Carly Fiorina 

Although some people wouldn't believe it now, I wasn't too fond of my mother as a teenager.  Granted, no one really is, but I was truly convinced my mother was related to Satan. Even when I went to college, I recall hanging up on my mother more than once (and my dad calling back). It's not that my mom was a bad person. I'm just an optimist and she's what I would call critical. We just had different ways of seeing things and combined with our stubbornness, it just didn't mesh well.

After college graduation, my mom and didn't always see eye to eye, but we garnered a mutual respect. Through the years, the relationship with my mom has blossomed into a  good one. Years ago, no one (family included) could imagine that we could go on one - let alone three - two week vacations together. Yes, we did get on each others nerves once in a while - but no one got thrown off a balcony or anything. And I discovered we both share a hobby of photography and the pursuit of that perfect shot. I cherish the memories and time I spent with Mom on those trips, and hope to venture to Alaska in 2013.

This is poignant as Mom was diagnosed with cancer in August 2012.  I have always thought my mom to be "a strong, stubborn German woman" - much like my grandmother - but with a caring, compassionate side.  I figure if anyone is going to fight this disease - it's her.  And I truly believe she can...and will.  

I've said this before, but I am still in awe of how Mom has handled everything.  While I was going to through my divorce, my dad told me "Your mother and I raised you kids to be strong, independent and able to handle anything thrown at you".  Little did I expect that  we'd have to deal with something like this thrown at us.  But dammit, that phrase is true - and I see we got a lot of that resiliency from Mom. Her persistence actually prompted the doctors to perform more invasive tests - which lead to diagnosis.  I firmly believe that, because of this, her treatment is going well as they caught it early enough. However,  It is debatable whether my trait of persistence has served me well - I guess it depends what side you're on.

But I am most in awe of her positive spirit (and not just because she's "a realist" - her term for it). I for one would be scared shitless and probably be dropping f-bombs if it were me.  Granted, I have done both in the past nine months (mostly with close friends), but I feel I need to be strong for Mom (and provide the comic relief).  Despite all the poking, prodding, chemically infused things going into her body - she is happy and living each day to the fullest.  I figure you can let the diagnosis kick your butt, or attempt to kick the butt of the diagnosis.  The latter seems to suit  Mom better - and her daughter is always up for some butt-kicking as well, although I may be a bit more obvious and verbal about it.

Mom is someone I have grown respect and admire, and most importantly, someone I couldn't imagine life without - and hope not to have to experience that anytime soon. I can only hope to exhibit half the grace, poise, courage and positive attitude as she has in the past nine months - in any situation.

So on this Mother's Day...it really is all about Mom.  If your mom is no longer with us, remember the good times and cherish the memories.  If your mom is indeed alive, take her out to lunch or a movie (or a botanical garden) - or if there are miles between you, at least call her.  After all, you only get one mother.

♥  Thanks Mom, for all you've instilled and given me...love you! ♥

what to do?

Well, it's been about six months since the break-up.  I'd like to say things have gotten easier, but in all honesty, they haven't. Sure, there have been some successes (and some setbacks), but I feel that things are pretty much back where they started.

This is foreign territory to me, as I've been able to maintain friendships with most of my exes.  This is something I actually pride myself on, and a couple of them remain some of my best friends.  Yes, it took time and effort; however, in the end it was well worth it.

I'm reminded of something said to me during the break-up:  "We'll still be friends and hang out.  And if there's an informal lab gathering, I can let you know about it."

I can say with 100% confidence that the only informal lab gathering I've been extended the invite to was a "successfully defended her dissertation" soiree - and that's because the guest of honor invited me.  Since December, I haven't been invited to anything outside of playing volleyball.  I didn't expect things to stay exactly the same, but I didn't expect to be completely shut out either.  It kinda sucks - no, it really sucks.

Despite the events (or lack of) that have occurred, I can't fault anyone for saying that.  When one is in an emotional situation, things are said to smooth said situation over.  But based upon my past track record, there was no reason for me not to believe it.  I'm not upset with what was said; I'm upset at myself for whole-heartedly believing it.

To say this situation isn't par for the course would be an understatement.   I was also told around Thanksgiving:   "I still want to be friends, but I'm not sure how to make that transition easier."  And to be honest, I don't know either.  

I feel like every time I extend the proverbial olive branch, it's either ignored or broken and handed back to me.  I also don't know how to initiate a conversation about this without it being perceived as hostile or confrontational (although that is not my intent).  I am literally at a loss about what to do.

And yet I keep trying...

the break-up

It's not the break-up that's the hardest...

it's the period after the break-up.

This is not to say a break-up is easy.  It's not; especially when you still have feelings for that person.  However, I've resigned to believing it's just one of those things we have to endure.  People change, situations change.  And in this case, change sucks.

I don't understand how two people can be in a relationship for two years, and then in a period of one month (at least from what I can tell), determine that "I only like you as a friend".   Although I received reassurance that it wasn't because I was unattractive or had a crappy personality, the ego still took a hit.  It's pretty much par for the course when you get dumped - especially when it seems to have come from left field.

For better or worse, I am exceptional over-analyzing things.  And in doing so, I question my actions, wonder what I did wrong and if there was anything I could have done to prevented it.  While it's probably not good psychologically that I have gone back to re-read messages, I keep thinking  I'll find something I missed.  And when I find that "something", I'll be able to come to a conclusion.  It would have been a lot easier if I HAD a reason, an answer to the question "why?".  Ironically, I can't get an answer from a person who needs a logical answer for everything. 

Thus, I have my theories.   Being alone with my thoughts is not a good thing at this time, as it leads to speculations.  Since I was cheated on previously, my default is to think there is another woman - regardless of lack of anything to substantiate this.  There is also the "fright or flight" theory.  Of course, I could (and probably should) take it at face value and accept that we were just meant to be friends. 

That in and of itself is frustrating.  The other part is the "we'll still be friends and hang out and stuff" line.  Now, I know it's possible to be friends with your exes, as I am friends will all of mine (minus THE ex-hole).  And yes, I would like to "be friends and hang out and stuff". I realize the period after the break-up is less than two weeks in and it moving into the "friend zone" does take time.  There are moments where I wish we could just fast-forward to that.  Of course, I do have moments where I'd just like to kick him in the nuts (because it might make me feel better) but these surprisingly are few.

The hardest part is when realizing we were in contact daily for the duration (including when I was in Spain for two weeks in 2010) and suddenly that is gone.  Not to be morbid, but it's almost like someone you cared about died.  You miss them and they're no longer a part of your life.  And I feel there's not much I can do about it right now.

I just wish I knew the truth, the reason. Yes, the truth might hurt.  But the not knowing "why" hurts more.

initial thoughts

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. ~ Dr. Seuss

 I wrote down my thoughts before we had "the talk" on Friday 28 October - just so I could be coherent and remember to say everything I felt I needed to.  Despite running on waves of emotion, I think I managed to stay fairly rational.  Perhaps I am showing signs of maturity after all.

========

I’m sorry I couldn’t come up with any words Wednesday night.  I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks and there’s really no easy recovery from that, plus I needed time to process the situation.  Then I got the message saying you picked up “some” of your stuff, but when I got home it appeared like “all” of your stuff.  There was the second ton of bricks.

Needless to say, I’ve gone through a myriad of emotions in the past couple days.  I’ll start with the one that’s easier for me to convey:  anger.  I was angry that you went into my apartment without me there to get your stuff for two reasons (both from my perspective) – 1) it violated my personal space, with things being as they are and 2) it implied that talking was pointless as your decision appeared to be made.  I understand that you wanted your stuff – and rightfully so – but the collection of it could have waited until we talked.  

I don’t know what to call the other emotion – a hybrid of sadness/depression/fear.  As probably know, I have quite a few insecurities – despite how I may appear in public.  So when I heard “not attracted to you in that way” (likely a paraphrase) I automatically revert to the thought “I am not attractive” and then the feelings of self-doubt sink in.  I know it’s something I have to conquer myself, but it’s my current frame of mind.  I’m sure this part of the reason that I didn’t eat dinner Wednesday night.  Either that or I exerted my energy crying versus getting off the couch to make dinner.

Yes, I cried.  A lot.  Why?  I was pretty much an emotional wreck.  I felt like my heart was ripped out and then stomped on.  And one of my greatest fears is being alone.  Kisses from Caye and sleeping with Poppy (my first teddy bear) helped, but can only do so much.

I probably should clarify what I meant when I said “I’m fine with the way things are”.  What I meant I was:  fine with being boyfriend/girlfriend, and not having to take our relationship to “the next stage” – whatever that is.  I know that our friends “nosiness” (read: asking questions about our relationship) was stressful for both of us, and that neither one of us really knew how to deal with/communicate how we felt about it. However, I really hope the nosiness did not play a factor in your decision.  I also knew you needed space (and that you relish it somewhat), so I wanted to give you that.  In hindsight, we probably should have talked about this earlier.  

This next part you may not want to hear, but I need to tell you.  I still have feelings for you beyond friendship.  (This would also explain the crying.) What I do know is that I simply enjoy being with you, even if it is just watching TV.

However, I’d rather have you as a friend than not have you in my life as all.  Besides, every Packers fan needs a Bears fan to rip on.

491 again...

I will admit, I have been ripping on my alma mater quite a bit lately (for reasons mentioned in previous posts, but mostly political rhetoric). However, this past Saturday reminded me of the good things about Marquette.

Saturday brought the (almost) annual MU basketball game with the "girls of 491" - or as I'd like to call them - some of the best roommates ever. And as fate would have it, Saturday was National Marquette Day - appropriate, wasn't it? Our seats were "stellar" - 400 section, row W - despite getting them 2.5 months in advance. But we were in the BC, dammit! Plus, Marquette beat then #10 Syracuse. Go Warriors!

Although we only seem to get together for our reunions 2-3 times per year, it's always a blast. Yes, it's always great to reminisce about our days at MU: drunken stories (including Orioles cups on Wells St.), 90210 viewing parties, Tony-Tony-Tony, Club 742 Upper...to name a few. It's also nice (and sometimes entertaining) to catch up on what's going on with our lives, as phone and e-mail don't always cut. And it's comforting to know that there's always a sounding board for life's trials and tribulations, and the reassurance that you're not the only one who has been in a similar situation.

I wouldn't trade the good friends I made at Marquette for the world. Thanks for making my college years memorable, and being there in our "adult" years.

Until the next "girls of 491" reunion...

played into hibernation

It is not a fun time to be a Bears fan in Packer Nation.

Truth be told, it never really is. However, when the prize for winning the game is a ticket to Super Bowl XLV, it's just that much more fun.

Yes, that was sarcastic.

To be fair, I (partially) brought it upon myself. I was trash-talking Packers fans all week. And as much as I wanted the Bears to punch their ticket to the Super Bowl, my gut was saying otherwise (admittedly, I picked the Packers to win). But I continued to trash-talk nonetheless; even during the game where at times I wondered if the Bears would decide to show up and play.

All in good fun, right? Right....until Monday morning.

I'm the only Bears fan in my office, and I wore black in mourning. It was duly noted by numerous co-workers that the Bears lost. And yes, I did expect it. My boss even brought it up in a meeting - just to razz me. The only upside is that I won $20 in the Packer pool for the week. However, I would have preferred a Bears win.

Really, I don't mind "the Bears still suck" comments (note: I actually think that's a funny song by Happy Schnapps Combo even if I don't agree with it) and other assorted smack from people I talk to or see on a regular basis, or those I consider my good friends. I view it as what it's intended - a friendly rivalry, maybe in a twisted way, a sign of affection. What I don't like is people who rarely bother to talk to me otherwise finding it appropriate to talk smack. The camaraderie just isn't there, and thus, it almost seems slightly malicious.

In the end, we all have to remember it's just a game (albeit a big game). The Packers played better and deserved to win. Although I am happy to see the Bears have a formidable back-up QB in Hanie. And I hope the Packers beat the crap out of the Steelers.

Until NFL 2011...BEAR DOWN!

swimming for burritos

In June of 2008, some of my friends were talking about competing in an event called The Burrito Union10-Hour Triathlon - or now better known as "death by tri". Not being a quiet person, I pipped up by giving my opinion on running (it should only be done whilst chasing a volleyball or soccer ball), biking (doable) and swimming (by far the easiest of the three).

Me and my big mouth. I should have never mentioned that swimming was easy, nor divulged the fact I was a competitive swimmer.

As it turns out, they needed swimmers for their three-person teams. How "death by tri" works: a team of three people - although some crazy folks did it all themselves - strives to complete as many triathlons (600m swim, 14 mi bike, 3.1 mi run) they can in a 10-hour period. One person swims, one bikes, one runs. After much prodding, I told my friends I'd think about it.

I remember talking to my dad about it, because that constitutes "thinking about it". The conversation went something like this:

B: Dad, my friends are doing this "death by tri" thing and want me to do the swimming part. What do you think?

D: Bec, what's the worst thing that could happen?

B: Well, I could drown and die.

D: (laughs) You took to swimming like a fish and you're a strong swimmer. You're not going to drown. Go for it.

Thanks to encouragement from Dad (and continued prodding from friends) I agreed to swim on a team. Six weeks before the event. After I hadn't swam a lap in three years. I started swimming 3-4 times per weeks leading up to the event, so at least I wouldn't perform horribly.

Fast forward to the event. It was a chilly early morning (6:30 am) in Superior, Wisconsin but the masses were ready to compete. And I was ready, or so I thought. We were told the water temperature was 73 degrees. I'm sure it was....at the surface...but it was balls cold. Once I adapted to this ice bath, I was fine. Actually, more than fine. I passed both my friends who were swimming as well (on all the split times). Yes, they were beaten by a girl :) And the biker on my team had to hurry up because he wasn't ready for me to finish that early. Perhaps those days of 6:30 am swim practices finally paid off.

All in all, team PowderPuff Samurai finished five triathlons in 10+ hours. It may have been crazy, but it was a lot of fun. And I'm glad I was "coerced" into it.

We even found out that Duluth-Superior is a fun town, complete with patronizing Burrito Union, the sponsor of the "death by tri". I'd go back to Duluth just to eat there, being a self-anointed burrito connoisseur. Plus we discovered a mall of bars, meaning that one can bar hop without going outside. Seeing it gets balls cold in those parts it's a damn good idea. I also found out that UM-Duluth has an underground tunnel system for the same reason.

But why be contemplative about this more than two years later?

Turns out a plan is in place (unveiled to me on New Year's Eve no less) to return to Superior in 2011. And, go figure, swimmers are needed.

To swim or not to swim?

seven years & change

It was seven years ago today that my family and friends gathered at SS Peter & Paul on Milwaukee's east side to celebrate my marriage.

Funny how things have changed since.

While I know I was not wholly responsible (some would argue not at all) for the demise of my marriage, any relationship is a partnership - meaning that BOTH parties must be willing to make it work. I was willing, even if it was trying to fix something that likely could not be repaired. Yet that's my nature - I am not a quitter. Perhaps that's why this is one of my favorite quotes:

Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If i quit, however, it lasts forever. (Lance Armstrong)

Yes, in my mind, quitting is a forever thing. Maybe it's partially because I'm stubborn, but I feel that if you make a commitment, hell or high water you should stay with it. And in all honesty, it took a while for me to realize that I wasn't "quitting" - largely due in part to my friends and family backing me in my thoughts/decisions. Sometimes things weren't meant to be for whatever reason.

However, in these past seven years....

I've learned to trust my gut even more than before. In fact, it was my gut instinct that got me "investigating" issues in said marriage. Sure, sometimes I will make a decision with little logical reasoning, but in the end it's worked out for the better.

I learned to live alone. It sounds funny coming from someone who's lived on her own since graduating college, but prior to May 2007, I had only lived alone (read: no family members or roommates) for six months of my life. Now I've done it for 2.5 years. I always felt I was independent; now I know I am.

I learned I could make a hobby into a career. Graphic design has always been a hobby of mine, and in 2006, I decided to switch careers. While the ex-hole was hardly supportive (that's a whole other story in and of itself), the dual income made it possible for me to actually take the plunge and take an entry-level job in marketing. Additionally, I also had the balls to do it. As a result, I really like what I do. While the politics of work sometimes pisses me off, overall I'm in a good place professionally.

I learned who my true friends are. It's always a life-altering situation that makes you realize this. Some dropped off the face of the earth for some unbeknownst reason. Maybe they didn't care or didn't know how to deal with the situation. The true friends are the people who listen to your midnight phone calls, help you plot revenge (even if it's never carried out), make sure you're busy on certain days of the year, never play the Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony" in your presence (sadly, it's a good song but I can't stand it), give you a stuffed donkey, take you out for drinks to celebrate becoming a "Loss" again, etc.

I learned I have to be myself. Basically, like me for me. I haven't been one to put on airs. I'm capable of being domestic; I choose not to be for the most part. I like sports - and I'm a Chicago sports fan living in Milwaukee. I have an off-color, sarcastic sense of humor. I'm opinionated, but I choose what battles/issues to fight. I fall asleep during movies, even those I like. I'm pretty fun...or so I think. But in the end, I learned that I'm just a really big dork. And I'm ok with that.

Yes, it's been a roller coaster of a seven years - some of which I wouldn't wish on anybody. But as the saying goes: what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger (to paraphrase Friedrich Nietzsche). Well, I'm not dead and I'm indeed stronger - physically, mentally and emotionally - than I even have been in my life.

being thankful

A few of my friends have taken on the experiment of writing "30 Days of Being Thankful". Seeing that Thanksgiving is in a few days, I figured I could pseudo bandwagon jump and reflect upon what I'm thankful for (in no particular order)...

my immediate family.

They may be weird. They may be quirky. They put the "fun" in dysfunctional. But in the end, I love them all and wouldn't have it any other way. Individually:

Thanks to Mom & Dad for raising me and allowing me to think for myself and formulate my own opinions & views (even if they are different from theirs).

Thanks to Dad for bestowing me with the computer gene and for my (albeit sometimes off-color) sense of humor, which includes the ability to laugh at myself.

Thanks to Mom for supporting me in my creative endeavors and being a damn good sounding board when needed.

Thanks to Chris (my brother) for being the organized, goal-driven child so I could be me. And providing grandchildren. Seriously, thanks for doing the said "dirty work" as of late.

Thanks to Kelly for putting up with Chris (as well as the rest of the family). I don't know how you do it.

Thanks for Gavin and Liam for being the most freakin' adorable nephews ever. Whatever you choose to do, you'll take the world by storm.

my friends.

I really don't know what I'd do without them. Through good times and bad times, we've shared laughter and tears. We've leaned on each other (in both alcohol and non-alcohol induced states), received/given advice (solicited or otherwise), plotted revenge (legally), dealt with putzes and schmucks, roadtripped far and wide, tripped the Milwaukee club fantastic, visited watering holes, attempted - and then successfully played volleyball...and the list goes on. Sometimes thank you just doesn't seem like it's enough.

my health.

I realize that this sounds strange coming from someone who single-handedly has funded the college education of children of orthopedic surgeons and physical therapists for years. But outside the sports injuries, I am in good health (premier status if you ask my life insurance company), heal quickly from injuries/illness and completely missed the allergy gene that has plagued my immediate family. Plus, any aliments/oddities I may have can be fixed without any major repercussions. However, I should probably consider buying stock in ibuprofen.

my education.

Sure, I bitch about Marquette - even more so as of late. However, my theory-based MU education has allowed me to apply what I've learned to anything else I decide to do. Case in point - a BA in Sociology/Social Welfare usually does not lead to Marketing & Graphics. Surprisingly, that liberal arts knowledge can - and has been - applied in my current field. I don't agree with their views on numerous issues, but what I took away from my four years there are invaluable.

my like of technology.

I'm not one to be afraid of new gadgets, or press buttons on things. Let's face it, you really need technology to survive in our world today. The advent of cell phones and social media has allowed me to keep in better touch with my friends and immediate family. And since I jumped in on the beginning of the social media craze, it's helped me be a major asset at my company. Unfortunately, my like of the stuff also means I am my mom's personal tech support.

my involvement with the k-family.

Minus the last year, the Kiwanis family played a major role in my college and young adult days. It afforded me to meet folks from all across Wisco and the UP, as well as across the country. Some of those folks still remain good friends. It also offered service and leadership opportunities - in fact, Marquette CKI was the first elected leadership position I ever held. Honestly, I probably am the person I am today in part due to my k-family experiences. And after a hiatus, it feels good to be back.

So this Thanksgiving as you gather with family/friends whilst stuffing your face with all the traditional cuisine and watching football (go Lions and whoever's playing the Cowboys), take a moment to give thanks.

i question it

As of late, I've noticed a lot of my friends have become religious. I'm not talking the "I go to church on Sunday" religious; I'm talking "Thank you God for blessing us, providing us, etc."

On some level, I guess I should expect it. After all I went to a Catholic, Jesuit university - and a majority of students went to Catholic grade school & high school. Overall, I don't have a problem with those who have a strong faith in religion. It's an individuals choice as to what he/she believes (presumably). I don't necessarily agree with their beliefs - as a recovering Catholic with major questions with the current state and action of the church - but if it works for them, great.

But why the sudden religious revolution? Your guess is as good as mine.

I knew a lot of these people in my college days and early 20s, at Marquette and otherwise. Judging from the activities partaken in, I highly doubt we were thanking God for blessing us. In fact, "God" was likely only spoken in terms of "God dammit", "oh God, yes", etc. And I'm sure some activities were not condoned (by a higher power or the authorities) in any way.

Now one of these friends is pledging money to K-LOVE (a "positive, encouraging" Christian music/ministry station) saying "I've donated have you?" Hmmmm, no. I don't intend to either. Another is huge fan of Christian music. I think he's a fan of every worship/praise group out there (as evidenced by his status messages). Some of these said sites states "It's more than worship, it's a way of life." So chanting in unison with others is a way of life? As I recall, Waco was similar...and we know what happened there. This same friend (among others) have an inordinate amount of Bible verses under their "Favorite Quotes". Newsflash: Just because something is written down does not make it true. Yet another states "Putting my faith in Jesus Christ has changed my life. I desire to give God glory in everything I do out of love and thanks to Him for his sacrifice for me." Really? This first implies that one must have a belief in God to have meaning in life. However, I am sure a number of atheists found meaning in life without said belief. Second, I put faith in myself because if something is going to be accomplished/changed in my life, it should my doing and not an outside entity. It is somewhat unsettling that someone would put faith in something over putting faith in oneself.

One could argue that once children are involved, things change as all of these friends have children. I can see that, and know that indeed happens. Case in point - my brother. He (and his family) started to go to church because of the kids; prior to that we were both "Santa Babies" (as my mom lovingly references). Learning about religion isn't a bad thing. I think children need to learn about religion - at least the historical perspective - due to societal references. I myself am interested/intrigued as to how religion, society and culture co-exist in today's world. But suddenly devoting your life, completely altering your perspective, putting everything out of your hands and essentially removing accountability? I question that.

I'm not a hedon. I'm not an atheist either. There is nothing wrong with believing in God or practicing religion. I just don't think that one's religious beliefs proclaimed to the masses (no pun intended), nor should it be the reason for life's trials and tribulations.

There's a saying that goes "if it's to be, it's up to me". Maybe we should start living by that creed instead.