hope springs eternal

Easter was never really a big holiday in my family, In fact, last year was the first time I was home for Easter since my senior year in high school. 

Easter is a a time for hope and renewal, which usually coincides with the physical onset of spring. 

Easter was also the last holiday I saw Mom happy and healthy. Last year, I (as well as my family) really did have reasons for hope and celebration of life. Hope in that her tests all came back negative and the cancer had not spread. Mom looked  - and more importantly - felt healthy and her attitude was positive as ever. She was happy and was still able to live life to the fullest (with a couple rest stops along the way). We celebrated her health and happiness. It was a time of renewal as we all thought she had turned a corner and was going to continue the good fight. While her spirit was strong enough to do so, her body had been ravaged by the fight. And you know the how the story ends.  I am extremely thankful I made the trip home last Easter, as I got to see Mom as Mom one last time. 

However, Mom has never left us. Her spirit lives on, and I especially feel it during spring. Mom loved flowers and the color yellow. Daffodils are among the first flowers to bloom, signalling the onset of spring. It takes me back to Easter as a kid - daffodils in bloom along the front walk, wearing a frilly dress I did not pick out, and hunting for Easter eggs. It was a simpler, carefree time.

On Saturday I was at the store and I noticed a bunch of daffodils in the floral department. I'm not one to buy myself flowers, but I was drawn to them. And really, there was no way I couldn't get them.

Those daffodils now sit in a mason jar on my coffee table. And while nothing can bring Mom back, I can always bring a little reminder of her spirit home.

i interrupt your christmas cheer...

The holidays are usually "a time for joy, a time for cheer" - but the recent events in Connecticut have put a somber curtain on the season and have many of us (further) questioning our own mortality.

A good friend and I have discussed this issue more often than I wish to admit, largely because both of our mothers are battling the same disease.  While it's a comfort to know that someone is going through the same wave of emotions, at the same time you wish this wasn't one of the bonds you were sharing. Then last night, his 31-year cousin unexpectedly passed away leaving behind two young children.

Death - even if it is inevitable - is sad and difficult. Period. Perhaps more so when it's unexpected. My friend and I discussed that notion last night. To reminiscence, I was very saddened by the passing of my granddad and both my grandmothers. However, I had mentally/emotionally come to terms with my grandmothers as their health was failing for quite some time. With my granddad, it was a shock - and while he was no more or less important - it weighed heavier on my heart because it hit like a ton of bricks.  But regardless of how many brushes with death one may have had, it still isn't easy.

I know both of us are ready (or as ready as one can be) for the passing of our mothers. However, no matter how prepared I may be, it still will be difficult as one of the most important people in my life will no longer be of this earth - but I know a part of her will always remain with me.

So this Christmas season, remember the good times and make new memories. Cherish times with family and friends.

You may now return to your Christmas cheer....and I'll join you.

anthem 2012?

maybe this should serve as my anthem for the coming year...

the way it was, the way it is 

i don't think much about it 

i've tried too hard 

to redefine the things in life i want 

if you could live inside of me 

i don't think you would like it 

you're much to late to appreciate 

all the things i have lost 

i'm stuck in the heart of this 

i know in that in time 

i'm the one you'll miss 

and i don't give a damn what you think about me 

the things i've said and done 

i don't give a damn what you think about me 

the things i have become 

if i would bend i'd break in two 

i'd rather feel unwanted 

you're much too late to appreciate 

everything i have become 

i've found a better place 

you can't come in so get away 

i'm stuck in the heart of this 

i know in that in time i'm the one you'll miss 

and i don't give a damn what you think about me 

the things i've said and done 

i don't give a damn what you think about me 

the things i have become

what to do?

Well, it's been about six months since the break-up.  I'd like to say things have gotten easier, but in all honesty, they haven't. Sure, there have been some successes (and some setbacks), but I feel that things are pretty much back where they started.

This is foreign territory to me, as I've been able to maintain friendships with most of my exes.  This is something I actually pride myself on, and a couple of them remain some of my best friends.  Yes, it took time and effort; however, in the end it was well worth it.

I'm reminded of something said to me during the break-up:  "We'll still be friends and hang out.  And if there's an informal lab gathering, I can let you know about it."

I can say with 100% confidence that the only informal lab gathering I've been extended the invite to was a "successfully defended her dissertation" soiree - and that's because the guest of honor invited me.  Since December, I haven't been invited to anything outside of playing volleyball.  I didn't expect things to stay exactly the same, but I didn't expect to be completely shut out either.  It kinda sucks - no, it really sucks.

Despite the events (or lack of) that have occurred, I can't fault anyone for saying that.  When one is in an emotional situation, things are said to smooth said situation over.  But based upon my past track record, there was no reason for me not to believe it.  I'm not upset with what was said; I'm upset at myself for whole-heartedly believing it.

To say this situation isn't par for the course would be an understatement.   I was also told around Thanksgiving:   "I still want to be friends, but I'm not sure how to make that transition easier."  And to be honest, I don't know either.  

I feel like every time I extend the proverbial olive branch, it's either ignored or broken and handed back to me.  I also don't know how to initiate a conversation about this without it being perceived as hostile or confrontational (although that is not my intent).  I am literally at a loss about what to do.

And yet I keep trying...

yes, for real...

I have gotten "interesting" messages via online dating sites before...but, yeah...I can't make this up:

Hi! I like your profile, and I would love to hear from you. I am a crossdresser with a pantyhose fetish looking for an open minded woman to roleplay fantasies with. 

The guy gets props for not being shy and up front about his fetishes.  And while I'm pretty open about things, how does one respond to that?

can we go back to the old way?

Whatever happened to the good old days where you met a significant other through friends or common activities?  I think I want those back...

Let's face it.  I'm a social person.  I like meeting people...in person.  The interwebs are a great tool and all, but nothing really beats meeting someone in person and striking up a conversation (in my opinion anyway). I get the whole notion that online dating sites allow you to "weed out" people - or in my case, find out how bad your grammar really is or your propensity to use texting talk (read: how r u?) in a message.  Ok, to be honest, I hate texting talk (even whilst texting) but for a text, it is what it is. But really, you can only hide behind the mask of technology for so long...

That being said, I have met a few people I've conversed with online.  It's been fun and interesting...to say the least.  A majority of the guys have been recently divorced after 10+ years of marriage and are looking to get back in the dating scene.  That is respectable.  They have been decent conversationalists and overall cordial.  With one I ever had a conversation about the whole Tebow trade (only I could work Tebow into a date...geesh).  

However, I have noticed a couple commonalities with the guys I've met:

They all hunt in some capacity.  Again....why???  It's a horrible assumption that a female who likes sports is ok with hunting - which I don't view as a sport, I view it as killing an animal  (but I've blogged about this at length already). But I'll talk your ear off about sports, especially NHL at this moment. And oddly, being a Cubs fan is not a deterrent.(and a side note: not a lot of NHL fans out there)

They all seem extremely bitter about the demise of their marriage and divorce. Having been there, it's not a pleasant experience. And I get there are issues (personal and otherwise) one must work through after any relationship break-up. But bringing up these issues during an initial date? Really?

So back to searching for "other fish in the online sea", unless I meet someone the old-fashioned way.  

Who knew this modern woman would long for something nostalgic and traditional?

online dating is weird. and annoying.

I have begun to embark on a strange journey....the journey known as online dating.  And let me tell you, I haven't even been on an actual date and I'm already annoyed.

But first, let me talk about the dating sites themselves.  Despite being in the marketing field, I am absolutely horrible at marketing myself (but dammit, I can market the hell out of just about anything else) - thus, writing a profile is somewhat daunting.  Mine consists mostly of one-liners and smart ass comments, and if someone likes that, great.  If not, then we obviously wouldn't get along really well.  That being said, I do actually get people interested in messaging/getting to know me.  And then I look at their profile...

You'd think people would have someone review their profile or use spell check or something.  I swear, half the profiles I've viewed have some of the most horrific grammar and spelling I've seen in my lifetime.   It literally makes me cringes.  I could blame being in marketing (again) where you must proof everything before it leaves the office, but really?  There is a difference between "you're" and "your" - as well as "there", "their" and "they're".  When you write a sentence, don't omit words.  Use the correct tense.  Yes, I may sound like the grammar police but to me, that reflects on your intelligence (or lack thereof).  This is not to say you need to have an advanced degree - or even a degree - but please show some sign of a functioning brain.

The other thing that baffles me is that I tend to attract people that enjoy hunting.  It seems that if I'm a woman who enjoys sports and hiking, it must follow that I would enjoy hunting.  That's fine and good, but I actually state I'm anti-hunting (just goes to show how much folks actually read the profile). WTF?  I know how to shoot a gun and will take target practice.  I like communing with nature.  I fail to see the point of shooting a deer, elk, duck, goose, grouse, etc. - especially since I don't eat said animals (and regardless, I would still not be a fan of killing an animal with a gun).  Thus, I will not date someone who hunts...I just can't.  Fishing is ok as I like boating, but don't expect me to clean the fish or anything like that. 

Then there are a few that aren't so scary, and thus, I feel safe/comfortable enough to give them my phone number so we can text and/or talk - plus that is way easier than going through the dating site all the time.  While some of these "select few" have proofread their profile, their lack of attention to the English language whilst texting drives me batty.  I despise it when people don't spell out "are" and "you", among other words (so yes, many titles of Prince songs annoy me).  Admittedly, I get annoyed when even my brother messages me "R u busy?" Yes, it's a pet peeve.  Grammar aside, it has been interesting.  I also tend to attract people from Racine, Wisconsin (which is another sordid tale entirely) and I've been texting a few from that area.  Thankfully, none of them went to Horlick High - I know WAY too many people from that school despite not be a native Wisconsinite.  

So I've been texting this guy from Racine I'll call "G".  It starts off fine and good, until he sent me the following text on 15 February "I called you last night but you weren't around.  Why not?"  To be fair, he left a message that Monday. Mondays are usually my "detox" night and I don't talk to anyone much, plus I think I was still recovering from an epic Madison weekend.  Not to good have a first convo with someone when you're half-zombie.  Had I been home on Tuesday (VD), I likely wouldn't have picked up as a first convo on VD is too weird.  I still have been texting G (even though the spelling and spacing is horrific in these texts), but it's become relatively apparent that he doesn't have much of a life - and I feel it's important for someone to have a life and have friends.   Based upon texts, I believe G is free every Friday and Saturday; and this concerns me (if you knew my ex-hole, you'd understand).  I am sort of a social butterfly (apparently) and discovered my first free Saturday is 7 April. I say this to verify (and maybe convince myself) that I'm not being a bitch, I really am busy.  Thus, I'm not sure how this one is going to pan out.  I'll continue texting him and see how it goes...

I've actually talked to a person I met online (novel concept, I know) - I'll call him "M".  I'm not making any predictions after one convo, but he appears more promising than G for a few reasons:  

1 - He admittedly has friends that he hangs out with, which is why it took a couple times to catch each other at home 

2 -  He has a good working knowledge of the English language (I know this shouldn't be a big deal, but it is)

3 - He likes hanging out in Bay View and on the East Side

4 - He asked about hashing (a drinking club with a running problem) and thinks it sounds fun

Again, we shall see how things pan out...

I really am trying to keep a positive attitude about dating (really, I am trying...) While it would be nice to meet some new people, part of me is just happy hanging out with my friends and heading out on some sort of crazy new adventure.  

Then again if my VD status of "where is that stupid little fat baby? he may have an arrow, but I have a shotgun" is any indication of where I'm at in the dating realm, it could be a while...

the ex

Sometimes this song conveys exactly how I'm feeling, especially the chorus...

And while I know that I'm a fighter who's too busy to sit down and lament, I know it's okay to do so sometimes...

the break-up

It's not the break-up that's the hardest...

it's the period after the break-up.

This is not to say a break-up is easy.  It's not; especially when you still have feelings for that person.  However, I've resigned to believing it's just one of those things we have to endure.  People change, situations change.  And in this case, change sucks.

I don't understand how two people can be in a relationship for two years, and then in a period of one month (at least from what I can tell), determine that "I only like you as a friend".   Although I received reassurance that it wasn't because I was unattractive or had a crappy personality, the ego still took a hit.  It's pretty much par for the course when you get dumped - especially when it seems to have come from left field.

For better or worse, I am exceptional over-analyzing things.  And in doing so, I question my actions, wonder what I did wrong and if there was anything I could have done to prevented it.  While it's probably not good psychologically that I have gone back to re-read messages, I keep thinking  I'll find something I missed.  And when I find that "something", I'll be able to come to a conclusion.  It would have been a lot easier if I HAD a reason, an answer to the question "why?".  Ironically, I can't get an answer from a person who needs a logical answer for everything. 

Thus, I have my theories.   Being alone with my thoughts is not a good thing at this time, as it leads to speculations.  Since I was cheated on previously, my default is to think there is another woman - regardless of lack of anything to substantiate this.  There is also the "fright or flight" theory.  Of course, I could (and probably should) take it at face value and accept that we were just meant to be friends. 

That in and of itself is frustrating.  The other part is the "we'll still be friends and hang out and stuff" line.  Now, I know it's possible to be friends with your exes, as I am friends will all of mine (minus THE ex-hole).  And yes, I would like to "be friends and hang out and stuff". I realize the period after the break-up is less than two weeks in and it moving into the "friend zone" does take time.  There are moments where I wish we could just fast-forward to that.  Of course, I do have moments where I'd just like to kick him in the nuts (because it might make me feel better) but these surprisingly are few.

The hardest part is when realizing we were in contact daily for the duration (including when I was in Spain for two weeks in 2010) and suddenly that is gone.  Not to be morbid, but it's almost like someone you cared about died.  You miss them and they're no longer a part of your life.  And I feel there's not much I can do about it right now.

I just wish I knew the truth, the reason. Yes, the truth might hurt.  But the not knowing "why" hurts more.

initial thoughts

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. ~ Dr. Seuss

 I wrote down my thoughts before we had "the talk" on Friday 28 October - just so I could be coherent and remember to say everything I felt I needed to.  Despite running on waves of emotion, I think I managed to stay fairly rational.  Perhaps I am showing signs of maturity after all.

========

I’m sorry I couldn’t come up with any words Wednesday night.  I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks and there’s really no easy recovery from that, plus I needed time to process the situation.  Then I got the message saying you picked up “some” of your stuff, but when I got home it appeared like “all” of your stuff.  There was the second ton of bricks.

Needless to say, I’ve gone through a myriad of emotions in the past couple days.  I’ll start with the one that’s easier for me to convey:  anger.  I was angry that you went into my apartment without me there to get your stuff for two reasons (both from my perspective) – 1) it violated my personal space, with things being as they are and 2) it implied that talking was pointless as your decision appeared to be made.  I understand that you wanted your stuff – and rightfully so – but the collection of it could have waited until we talked.  

I don’t know what to call the other emotion – a hybrid of sadness/depression/fear.  As probably know, I have quite a few insecurities – despite how I may appear in public.  So when I heard “not attracted to you in that way” (likely a paraphrase) I automatically revert to the thought “I am not attractive” and then the feelings of self-doubt sink in.  I know it’s something I have to conquer myself, but it’s my current frame of mind.  I’m sure this part of the reason that I didn’t eat dinner Wednesday night.  Either that or I exerted my energy crying versus getting off the couch to make dinner.

Yes, I cried.  A lot.  Why?  I was pretty much an emotional wreck.  I felt like my heart was ripped out and then stomped on.  And one of my greatest fears is being alone.  Kisses from Caye and sleeping with Poppy (my first teddy bear) helped, but can only do so much.

I probably should clarify what I meant when I said “I’m fine with the way things are”.  What I meant I was:  fine with being boyfriend/girlfriend, and not having to take our relationship to “the next stage” – whatever that is.  I know that our friends “nosiness” (read: asking questions about our relationship) was stressful for both of us, and that neither one of us really knew how to deal with/communicate how we felt about it. However, I really hope the nosiness did not play a factor in your decision.  I also knew you needed space (and that you relish it somewhat), so I wanted to give you that.  In hindsight, we probably should have talked about this earlier.  

This next part you may not want to hear, but I need to tell you.  I still have feelings for you beyond friendship.  (This would also explain the crying.) What I do know is that I simply enjoy being with you, even if it is just watching TV.

However, I’d rather have you as a friend than not have you in my life as all.  Besides, every Packers fan needs a Bears fan to rip on.