words of remembrance

Christmas was always Mom's holiday. I'm not sure what the holidays in Maryland will hold this year; but I know there will be a void and heavy hearts for all of us. The key is to cherish the memories and the good times (whilst sipping some Bailey's on the rocks.)

Having said that, I finally feel ready to share the words of remembrance from August...

Well, first everyone had a role in the past two years. Dad took care of the logistics and took mom to her bi-weekly appointments. Chris took Mom to CT scans and translated the medical-ease for those less savvy such as Dad and myself.  And then there’s me, who took it upon herself to be comic relief by default.  So if I make a fool of myself up here, it’s par for the course.

Case in point…at Mom’s CT scan in April, the director of oncology at Johns Hopkins said “Kids, your mom is one tough cookie”  and I immediately responded “That’s because she’s German.” Laughter briefly ensues. Not that Germans are strong-willed or stubborn at all. But while Mom and I were never truly at odds, we sometimes had a difference in opinion on the ways in which to do things (again, not German related or the previously mentioned fact I take after my dad’s side of the family). The most recent example came last Sunday, when our difference in cleaning styles – or my lack thereof – came to light. I was helping to vacuum, and mom informed me when I missed a spot (more than once, mind you). Part of me was incredulous that this was happening, but mostly I was smiling because that was Mom. I just hope she is not looking at my apartment right now…

I started really bonding with Mom went I went away to Marquette for college (absence makes the heart grow fonder right?).  Maybe it was the weekly phone calls; maybe it was that I started to think of mom as more than a mom, but a friend. We talked about everything from relationships to sports. Actually, a lot about sports, mostly football and NCAA basketball. Of course, I couldn’t have the Vikings as my 2^nd team, so I chose the rival Bears – also Dad’s team. But the NCAA tourney was our bread and butter – Mom groomed me as a bracketologist from the tender age of ten. And every year, we’d discuss our picks in depth after the selection show. I think my bracket only beat hers five times, but under her tutelage, I’ve been quite fortuitous in other pools. Those weekly phone calls continued until three weeks ago – her very last phone call to me was to wish me a happy birthday. 

Our bond really grew stronger during our three trips together (Baltic cruise 2006, Greece 2008, Spain 2010). And it is true that you don’t really get to know someone until you travel with them, or if you prep for travel with them. I did mention differences right? Mom started packing two weeks before each trip; I packed the night before each trip. Mom could not stand that, yet I was the one who never forgot anything. Mom couldn’t sleep on the plane; I fell asleep in the States and woke up in Europe. Some of my fondest (and funniest) memories of Mom happened on these excursions. During the Baltic cruise, I introduced Mom to karaoke for the first time. After every performance, she retorted “I used to like that song”. We also enjoyed Baileys on the balcony (which Mom smuggled on the ship). In Greece, whilst admiring the beauty of the Aegean Sea, Mom accidently dropped her digital camera into it. In Costa del Sol, Mom and I shared cheese and wine on the balcony – which was probably the best conversation I ever had with Mom. In Madrid, whilst dining with a bullfight on the tele in the background, Mom loudly was cheering for the bull. Thankfully, the people in the restaurant did not speak English. 

All kidding aside, Mom and I shared a love of photography, history and travel…so these excursions were a perfect combination. Although our styles were definitely different.  Mom was determined to get the exact name of every building, historical site, ruin, etc.; I also did to an extent, but also took picture of random people, dogs, alleys, etc. to get a feel of the culture. Mom undeniably looked like a tourist from the States; I passed for British…in fact, there were times where folks in our tour group in Spain asked if we were really related at first.  Then they started talking to us and realized that yes, yes we are related…because of our smiles and positive outlook on life.

I thought about that observation…and soon realized that the first things people notice about me are my positive attitude and smile (and yes, Dad I know you paid for my smile) – traits I definitely inherited from Mom. While Mom was slightly more subdued than I, one could tell that she could find the good in most things and enjoy life to the fullest. There was always some fiber of her being that believed that she would overcome this hurdle – as I (and everyone else) were also hoping and praying for the very same outcome. Even the last time I saw Mom, when she smiled she could still light up a room. 

However, it was that positive attitude (and stubbornness, hmm…strength) that helped Mom defy the odds. Mom fought this disease with more grace, courage, determination and positivity anyone could have imagined; in the future, I can only hope to face any adversity the same as she did.

Mom, you will never be forgotten and will always be in my heart – and I couldn’t have asked for a better mother. I love you…

ten months later...geesh...

Wow...it's been a hell of a long time since I've written here. Nearly a ten month long time. Apparently life happens, as it would seem.

It seems pointless to provide an update from the last post. Did I follow through on them? Yes for some, but in ten months things change. Besides, there were really only two things I wanted in 2013: to find full-time employment and to have Mom continue to fight her battle with pancreatic cancer.

Well, one of two ain't bad. But to be honest, I'd rather be unemployed and  have Mom still with us on this earth.

lucky seven months in....

One would think that since I am currently among the ranks of the unemployed, I would be really good at blogging.  Alas, that is not the case as I  have realized that I'm a good month overdue for my "six months in" update.  I know all you adoring fans were on the edge of your seats waiting for it...ha ha.

So the anticipation in over. Here we go....

• successfully complete a 5k - my friend did not kill me. I completed my first 5k on 1 December in the "speedy" time of 37 minutes. not great, but I finished. next up: a 10k in April.
• continue to be physically active - when one does not have gainful employment (what is this thing called "work" y'all speak of?), one must find things to do. I decided to spend more time at the gym/doing yoga/running. it must be working...I dropped a jeans size.
  
• explore more in the culinary world - still cooking...or as I like to say "gourmet on a budget". really, that means a lot of inventive ways to make pasta and rice.
• continue the "no soda" quest - since losing my job on 4 January, I have become reacquainted with my old friend diet mountain dew. we have both enjoyed this reunion.
• increase social media knowledge/promote rjl creative -  I am still working on this...but did come up with a new name to better include the social media component: xpresso media - design & consulting.
  
• continue to engage in artistic endeavors - meh. I retitled my end tables, and that's about it. well, besides creating the xpresso media logo.
• get my bartending license - I should do this. hell, maybe it'll help me get a job.
• become involved in causes I believe in (namely Pancreatic cancer and APBT/AmStaff groups) -  if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. I'm still part of the problem.
• visit at least two of the remaining 11 states I haven't yet - make that 10 states...Louisiana baby!!! NYE in NOLA was freakin' awesome!
• organize my finances - hmmm, this would require a job. anyone wanna hire me? and I still cannont bring myself to eat ramen.
• figure out this whole "relationship" thing - or not. I should probably figure out employment first. but in the meantime, I'll just go with the flow...
• cherish the time with friends & family - life is short (something that came to realization about a year ago). make time for those you care about.  remember, it's not what you do it's who you're with.
• be thankful/grateful for the things I have, rather than lamenting about what I don't have -time to practice an "attitude of gratitude".  I've gotten better at this, not perfect, but better. baby steps.

words to live by...

i interrupt your christmas cheer...

The holidays are usually "a time for joy, a time for cheer" - but the recent events in Connecticut have put a somber curtain on the season and have many of us (further) questioning our own mortality.

A good friend and I have discussed this issue more often than I wish to admit, largely because both of our mothers are battling the same disease.  While it's a comfort to know that someone is going through the same wave of emotions, at the same time you wish this wasn't one of the bonds you were sharing. Then last night, his 31-year cousin unexpectedly passed away leaving behind two young children.

Death - even if it is inevitable - is sad and difficult. Period. Perhaps more so when it's unexpected. My friend and I discussed that notion last night. To reminiscence, I was very saddened by the passing of my granddad and both my grandmothers. However, I had mentally/emotionally come to terms with my grandmothers as their health was failing for quite some time. With my granddad, it was a shock - and while he was no more or less important - it weighed heavier on my heart because it hit like a ton of bricks.  But regardless of how many brushes with death one may have had, it still isn't easy.

I know both of us are ready (or as ready as one can be) for the passing of our mothers. However, no matter how prepared I may be, it still will be difficult as one of the most important people in my life will no longer be of this earth - but I know a part of her will always remain with me.

So this Christmas season, remember the good times and make new memories. Cherish times with family and friends.

You may now return to your Christmas cheer....and I'll join you.

alfie, the christmas tree

the holiday season is the one time of year I turn into a pseudo-sap and can get somewhat emotional. Christmas was - and still is - my favorite holiday. and while this Christmas may be bittersweet for obvious reasons, I'm fortunate enough to have Christmas memories and traditions to last my lifetime.

one of these traditions is the almost constant playing of John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together CD. I'm really not sure how it came about, but to me Christmas isn't complete without it.  my favorite song on the CD has always been Alfie, The Christmas Tree (and much to the chagrin of everyone, I can still recite the whole song). 

to me, it simply yet eloquently states the "reason for the season"....




Did you ever hear the story of the Christmas Tree
who just didn't want to change the show?
He liked living in the woods and playing with squirrels, he liked icicles and snow.

He liked wolves and eagles and grizzly bears
and critters and creatures that crawled.
Why bugs were some of his very best friends, spiders and ants and all.

Now that's not to say that he ever looked down on the vision of twinkling lights,
or on mirrored bubbles and peppermint canes and a thousand other delights.
And he often had dreams of tiny reindeer
and a jolly old man and a sleigh full of toys and presents and wonderful things,
and the story of Christmas Day.

Oh, Alfie believed in Christmas all right, he was full of Christmas cheer.
All of each and every day and all throughout the year.
To him it was more than a special time much more than a special day,
It was more than a beautiful story. it was a special kind of way.

You see, some folks have never heard a jingle bell ring,
And they've never heard of Santa Claus.
They've never heard the story of the Son of God. And that made Alfie pause.

Did that mean that they'd never know of peace on earth
or the brotherhood of man?
Or know how to love, or know how to give? If they can't, no one can.

You see, life is a very special kind of thing, not just for a chosen few.
But for each and every living breathing thing. Not just me and you.

So in your Christmas prayers this year, Alfie asked me if I'd ask you
to say a prayer for the wind, and the water, and the wood
and those who live there, too.

three months in...

It's hard to believe that three months of "my" year have already gone by.  and here's the progress (or lack thereof)....

• successfully complete a 5k - I will do this...and I officially start training today. hopefully my friend won't kill me - not because of the workout itself, because I'll probably complain. a lot.
• continue to be physically active - I was doing so well with this, until I decided to fracture my foot on 11 September.  kinda puts a damper on that whole running, boot camp, volleyball thing.  although I've been vigilant about doing my weights in the morning and I've become re-acquainted with my physical therapist, and will be cleared for higher-impact stuff (i.e. running) on tuesday.
  
• explore more in the culinary world - having to stay off my foot makes it difficult to cook. which sucks. hopefully I'll improve on this in a few weeks.
• continue the "no soda" quest - I've done good!  almost five months, with only a couple slips here and there. and Rockstar energy drink is not a soda - it has vitamins.
• increase social media knowledge/promote rjl creative -  I decided to combine these two this year.  I may even slightly change the direction (and potentially the name) of rjl creative to more of an SoLoMo focus, while keeping the design aspect secondary.  I love design, but the future is SoLoMo - and sadly, pretty isn't as important in that arena (but dammit, my stuff will be pretty AND functional!)
  
• continue to engage in artistic endeavors - meh. I've done a couple freelance logos and that's about it. however, I do have some ideas for that "east side special" coffee table.
• get my bartending license - I just always wanted to do this, for no particular reason...but no, I don't have it yet.
• become involved in causes I believe in (namely Pancreatic cancer and APBT/AmStaff groups) -  if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. right now I'm part of the problem.
• visit at least two of the remaining 11 states I haven't yet - in a nutshell, I'm either going west or south. but I did see a Bears game at Solider Field. no, not a new state...but I'd never been there before (and da Bears won too)
• organize my finances - this IS hard (and I'm sure the doctor and PT bills will help immensely). I should resort to gourmet ramen noodle cooking, if I could bring myself to eat ramen.
• figure out this whole "relationship" thing - there's this guy who's after you like a fat kid on cake and you want to smack him upside the head. ugh. I'm attempting online dating again - may the experience be better the second time. but there are a few possibilities in the non-cyber realm...perhaps one will work out. or not.
• cherish the time with friends & family - life is short (something that came to realization about a year ago). make time for those you care about.  remember, it's not what you do it's who you're with.
• be thankful/grateful for the things I have, rather than lamenting about what I don't have -time to practice an "attitude of gratitude".  I've gotten better at this, not perfect, but better. baby steps.